Soulshadows II: For Sentimental Reasons

I listened to the iscript. The one good thing is they make descriptions sound better and gives a voice to the characters.

Descriptive writers will thrive off the iscripts (I am screwed)

The guys reading of Tanis makes the characters dialogue funny. If that was the case okay but if not I don't know. The accents for Yuri & Vlad were pretty good.

I feel doing it because of an old man hounding him and stealing his keychain is a little drastic. You set it up that he and his father had a poor relationship. I also do not buy that his father would talk like that especially on his death bed and in that buy him a keychain but not give it to him.

I think the cop should take it anyway even after being warned. Shows that the party continues in a sense.

I'm indifferent about the ending. I feel it should end with the cop holding it, cut to Tanis and the dangling thing works better but like the end scene for its visual flare and callback; unlike the previous scene it doesn't transition as well in my opinion.

I enjoyed it overall.

Hey Mike, nice way to start things off. I really enjoyed this one. I've only read the script not listened to it, will get to that when I have access to a computer that doesn't turn itself off when I ask it to do simple things like that haha but I digress....

This was a strange tale and I liked how it was very unique with the actual places and the whole ferris wheel angle. It's a good goal for Charlie to hunt for and in the end a good trap to get him. I'm not sure if it needs to be something bigger than the key chain or if you just need to beef up what it means to Charlie and why. I know it symbolises a lot to him but when faced with a near impossible task I'd imagine he'd forget about it. Charlie didn't strike me as a very couragous character to be honest with you.

One part confused me. When Vlad is talking to Charlie in the car he doesn't seem to know anything about Charlie riding the ferris wheel, but then he seems to know everything when he says "That has already been thought of" about how he's actually going to do it. I don't know if that was just a mistake or if I'm reading it wrong but it just kinda stood out. Another thing about that scene was the 'Airplane' joke, it felt a bit out of place.

I like the whole premise of this but I wasn't a fan of the end, with him being haunted by his father. I'd rather you just left it out or thought of something a bit more mysterious. One idea is to just close in on the key chain ferris wheel when the police leave it and we see Charlie, shrunk down' riding that for all eternity. Haha, that would be a bit B movie but would be quite creepy I think. Something like the original 'Fly'.

Anyway, really enjoyable read and a great way to kick off Series 2.

Ste

As far as pure concept, this is perhaps my favorite idea for an episode so far.  Googling some images of the climactic site was pretty inspiring.

I also liked the slow deterioration of Charlie.  I am pretty sure this is not how radiation poisoning actually works, but in the context of this story, it is perfect.  I visualize this in terms of Spock, trapped in that chamber in "Wrath of Kahn", where every time the camera returns to him he is a bit scabbier and nastier.  A very nice device for this tale.

As for the ending, I did predict where we were going for the most part, which is not so much of a twist as it is a conclusion.  I have tried to think of a way to lend the conclusion a little more punch, but nothing has occurred to me yet.

Listening to the audio is always a lot of fun.  This guy did a pretty good job, but so far, every time I have heard Tanis "brought to life", it has been by a man -- with varying degrees of success.

I would love to hear Tanis read by a woman -- someone who is willing to really buy into this character fully and give her the voice she has in my head.

~SPOILERS~

Steven Spielberg.  Only Steven Spielberg could do this script justice.  I wish this were 1985, because I would have LOVED to see this done on his Amazing Stories!!

The big Ferris wheels, the pier, the desolate wasteland with the rusted hulk of a wheel rising up out of the middle and oh so creepy the old man.  Spielberg would have done this right!

Mike, I have no idea how you feel about Spielberg, but let's just say that this is pretty much my ultimate compliment for a script.  Fan-f***ing-tastic!

Sucked me in, buddy!  I don't believe it's too much of a stretch that Charlie would go clear to Russia to get that charm back.  H***, he stole it off his dad's dead body!!

Ste caught the same thing I saw, in Vlad's conversation during the car ride being out of sync.  He seemed unaware, then knew exactly what was happening.  Only glitch in an otherwise perfect script!!!

Listened to the iScript, and great job, Mike! This really had the feel of one of those 'scary' shows I watched as a kid - Goosebumps, Are You Afraid of the Dark, Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids - which I assume is exactly what you're going for (although obviously for a slightly maturer audience), so that's supposed to be a big compliment.

Only thing that came across as being TOO convenient was the death of Charlie's father - he goes from being lucid and seemingly fine to just suddenly dying, which felt a bit odd. But maybe that was because the guy reading it made him sound too healthy and it's more obvious in the actual, written script...dunno.

Anyway, good job! I look forward to the rest of the series.

I'm surprised not more people have read this one yet.

I read it a while ago and I really liked it. I thought the whole idea with the ferris wheel was interesting and I enjoyed the characters and the places the story took us.

I wish more people will read it and not just the super shorts posted here.

My husband and I both listened to it while lounging outside yesterday. I thought they did a good job on it.

Bert, I believe they charge double if you use both female and male readers instead of one. Also when it comes to the readings themselves, I know I personally prefer a "straight" style of reading over a reader who tries to "act" the characters. That's the reason I didn't like the work of that other couple that did script readings. Like my script Power Plays. They over did it. IMHO. :-)

Thanks to all who have read/listened so far.  It looks like most people are enjoying it, and I'm glad.  I originally came up with the concept near the end of the first series, and it was good to finally get it down on paper.

To address some of the issues brought up so far...

The inconsistency of Vlad is defintely a boo-boo on my part.  I wanted there to be a bit of mystery surrounding him and his back and forth, but I wasn't clear enough with it on the page, and it comes off weird.

Going what he went through for a key chain can seem a bit odd, but my main reasoning behind this was that he wasn't going to let his Dad stick it to him anymore.  He wasn't supposed to have the key chain in the first place, and I had hoped that having him take it from his Dad's dead hand would show just what it meant to him.  There's also a bit of rationalization in his interview where he says how his Dad was so supportive.

I did a little bit of research regarding the effects of radiation, and how it's laid out is fairly accurate.  I'm not exaclty sure if the timing is correct in that regard, but I thought it added a little more urgency to things.

From a personal standpoint, I'd say this is my second favorite genre to write outside of comedy.  I've written a few scripts in this realm, and have always been pleased with the results.  It's much different than the standard gore, but can still have a creepy effect when it's all said and done.

Thanks again, all.

SPOILERS!

I too like writing this type of genre, even if it doesn't make much sense to people. lol. A lot of cliches here like the mysterious Vlad or the Ukriaian Yuri but I'm a childhood fan of those. You really can get rid of cliches.

The original parts I found were the Ferris wheel concept and Charlie acknowledging his demise yet continuing to go. That's a new approach to the tale. I would have never thought of a Ferris wheel in regards to the way you used it.

Overall, I liked it. These tales brings back a tone and certain time. I sense a great season.

Gabe

Bert, awesome Tanis. Hopefully she can be categorized among Rod Sterling's Twilight Zone and the crypt keeper from Tales of the Crypt.

This was a cool script. Fresh territory with lots of mystery. Until Vlad, I was never sure what angle you were going to take, which really racked up the suspense. That said, I think you could lose Vlad's description of the legends surrounding the Ferris Wheel. It really puts a damper on the mystery. The radiation is enough to know the place is bad news and I think you set the story up well enough for the audience to know there's more to it than the mundane. I'd also lose Charlie asking if Yuri's the devil. Again, mystery's the best thing you've got going for you here.

The opening scene seems worthless to me at this point. It does little to develop Charlie's character. If anything, it's loaded with contradictions. Albert doesn't seem too happy with Charlie's life choices, to say the least, yet he hands off the key chain. I think the key chain would be even more meaningful and important if Charlie had a good relationship with his father, which I think is neccesary; it's a long shot that Charlie's going to risk radiation poisoning to get it back.

Just some suggestions. I really enjoyed the script.

Hi Mike. That was the fastest 32 page read ever! Man, it just stormed along!
Top notch all around. i haven't listened to it yet but will do. The only (very minor) negative was it was fairly easy to see early what the likely end would be. I agree with JonnyBoy about it being like Grizzly Tales. And it had a very distinct Stephen King flavour. Nice work!

Thanks for the reads, guys. Glad you liked the angle I went with.

Quoted from James McClung

Albert doesn't seem too happy with Charlie's life choices, to say the least, yet he hands off the key chain. I think the key chain would be even more meaningful and important if Charlie had a good relationship with his father, which I think is neccesary; it's a long shot that Charlie's going to risk radiation poisoning to get it back.

Albert didn't exactly hand over the key chain, Charlie took it from Albert after he passed on. Hence, the haunting.

I don't remember Grizzly Tales at all. I'll have to look that one up. Was it geared more toward kids? I was a bit old when Goosebumps came around, but grew up on Tales From The Crypt, Tales From The Darkside, Monsters, Twilight Zone, Night Gallery, and Freddy's Nightmares.

Yeah Grizzly Tales for Gruesome kids is a kids show, done in England a few years back. it's repeated here in Oz every now and then. It's narrated and voiced by Nigel Planer, who played Neil in The Young Ones. The odd thing about the show is it has a sort of nasty undertone. The kids who play up in it always meet a not very nice end!
A lot of kids would actually be shit scared watching it!

How's Chicago these days? I have a mate who lives in Evanston. Visited there in 97 and had a ball.

I think this was pretty cool Shelton, a great way to start off the series. It flowed pretty well and I liked how you added little bits of humor here and there, nothing huge or distracting, but a few lines sprinkled throughout. I Liked the story and could see if someone was that obsessed they would go to these great lengths, I mean you see shit like that online all the time.

As for Tanis, it was nice to see her back, I thought Bert did a very good job there as well.

Good job both of you.

Thanks for the read, Jordan. The humor part is just me. I have a habit of adding little things like that in every so often in pieces like this, and the end result is usually mixed. I think that's pretty much the case here.

I agree with you on the obsession part. On the surface it can be a little hard to take in, but I don't think it's entirely impossible. I think the key with any of these stories is to suspend disbelief a little.

Thanks again for reading.

We suspend disbelief easily, as in this case, when the character is so compelling that we get swept up in their quest/obsession. If they aren't so compelling, that's when people won't suspend disbelief. This script nailed it for me!

Good job with this one, Mike.  It totally reminded me of the old Tales from the Darkside show that used to creep me out when I was a little kid.  I haven't read any other parts in this series, so this was my first intro to Tanis.

Unlike some of the other posters, I honestly didn't see the ending coming.  For a while, I thought you had lost your way with the story and it was going to turn into some heartwarming, tearjerker ending.  Then, it got evil, which I liked.  His own Dad drags him to Hell.  Nice little Father's Day tale.  True, you did greatly exaggerate the effects of radiation.  I've seen that Chernobyl Ferris wheel on news reports where the reporter is casually walking around the abandoned amusement park with no protection or anything.  The radiation has faded to the point where short exposure is safe.  The effects Charlie suffered would take weeks of exposure.  But, that's the "suspension of disbelief" you mentioned.

I think I may have caught a typo on page 18:

  CHARLIE
Must be an American thing. Anyway,
what he took to me is very
important.

I believe you meant "from" me rather than to me.

Overall, though, well executed with a sinister little ending.

Cam

This is probably my favorite of your scripts, Mike. The story worked well and the characters were very realistic. The supernatural element, here, was low key. Too much of it, I think, would've made it hokey.

Phil

Hey guys,

Thanks for checking it out.  Glad you enjoyed it.

Cam,

You're right about the area where the Ferris Wheel is.  It is, in a sense, safe, but it was just too damn cool of a scenario to let go of, so I upped the radiation level for the hell of it.  From what I researched, the things that happened to him at various stages of exposure were accurate though, so that's a trade-off.

You're right on the typo.  That should have been "What he took is very important to me."

Phil,

I definitely wanted to keep things pretty much low key in the supernatural regard, because like you said, too much can be a bit hokey.  Glad you liked the characters as well.

Thanks again for reading.

This was a great read Mike.

I listened to the script last week, but only after I finished my script.  I didn't want to get influenced.

It turns out your supernatural element was as low key as mentioned above.

The Vlad taxi discussion picked up by Ste was a query of mine.

Not sure about the ending regarding the officers.  I'm 50/50.  It's like they appeared from nowhere.  If you left the police bit out of it, this would have been better.

If a rewrite is to come around.  Maybe on the Ferris Wheel.  Some of the dead from the Chernobyl disaster occupy the other gondolas while others queue up?

I enjoyed Tanis.  And the Ferris Wheel idea was a unique one, with Chernobyl as the setting.

Overall, your script was fast and enjoyable.

All the best,

Javier

Hey Javier,

Thanks for checking it out.

I had the cops show up to give the scene a little bit of urgency, and to illustrate that the item had been left behind on the Ferris Wheel for Tanis to find. Somebody had asked why the cop didn't take it, and that's why. It eventually needs to end up in Tanis' collection.

As for the Chernobyl people being on the Ferris Wheel as well, I don't think I could have put them through that. They'd been through enough already, and sending them to a hell like place would be flat out cruel.

Thanks again.

Hey Mike, as you know I read this when it first came out. I wanted to hold off on my comments for awhile and see what everyone else had to say.  Guess it�s time for me to post my thoughts now.

First off, I want you to know that I did like it.  It was interesting, well written and paced, and kept my attention until the end.

As I said earlier, I love scripts (movies, whatever) that are set in real places.  It just gives a much bigger and more realistic feel to them.  For me, it helps in being able to actually picture where we�re supposed to be.  So I applaud you for that.

Pretty much all my little complaints have been brought up already. I do want to bring them up again and let you know why they were issues for me.

I didn�t really like the interaction between Charlie and his Dad.  Albert just seemed too mean and unloving.  If Charlie was indeed not that great a person or son, it takes away from me liking or routing for him.  But I didn�t see anything that he did that would lead me to believe he wasn�t a good person.  Yeah, he took the key chain from his dead Dad�s hands, but other than that, he seemed to be an alright guy, and our only protag.

Although I liked the central theme here about riding all the world�s great Ferris Wheels, I also didn�t in a weird way.  I mean, I totally understand why someone would want to ride all the great coasters in the world, or ski all the great mountains, etc., but I don�t see the need to ride all the Ferris Wheels.  Every Ferris Wheel is pretty much the exact same thing, other than the view.

Kind of combined with the above, I find it hard to believe that Charlie could, or would, be able to do this financially�especially the Russia part on such a short notice.  He didn�t come off as wealthy in any way, and for some reason, this stuck with me throughout.

As others have said, the motivation to get the key chain back was also suspect.  First off because of the expense it would take. Secondly, just the time (and available free time).  Third, it was a cheap little key chain that his Dad didn�t even want him to have in the first place.  And finally, I just don�t buy it that Charlie would put himself in a life or death situation for this.

The stuff with Vlad didn�t ring true for me.  I also didn�t like the �Shirley� joke�felt very out of place.

The radiation part also didn�t work for me.  Way too fast for that to happen.  Also, too easy to get into an area like that.

As some one else suggested, I think it would have been a great ending for the ghosts of Prypiat to not only be riding the Wheel, but be visible to Charlie as he�s walking around.  I think it would really increase the power of the whole piece.

So all in all, I liked this and think you did a great job.  It shows that you did some research and the real life settings made this feel very big.  Nice work, Mike!

Jeff,

Thanks for the look, and for taking the time to respond further. Like you said, a lot of what you've mentioned has been brought up before, so rather than continue to elaborate on it, I just wanted to let you know that I've read your comment, and agree with just about everything you've said.

Time for people to go check out episode 2 now. ;D

This was an awesome read cause it had an awesome premise.

Riding a ferris wheel in Chenobyl of all places.  Even the ambition to ride all the worlds ferris wheels is brillant.

This is probably one of the few scripts I have read here where it is just right and needs no rewriting, tweeking or anything like that which is an amazing acomplishment in itself.

The dialouge for Vlad was so well done and so perfect Eastern Europe that when I read it could here it with a Russian accent in my head. You must have watched Borat like a dozen times to get it so right.

I've never seen you write a script like this before and wonder if due to the restrictions and guideline that come with SoulShadow series if you where knocked way out of your comfort zone and had to really push your craft to fit the mould.

This is the second SoulShadow I have read and I don't get the whole Tanis thing. Just reminded me of John Hurt from The StoryTeller and was no need for it that I could see.

Quoted from tonkatough

This is the second SoulShadow I have read and I don't get the whole Tanis thing. Just reminded me of John Hurt from The StoryTeller and was no need for it that I could see.

Tanis is the narrator for the series - like John Hurt was for The StoryTeller. That's the reason she is there.

First of all Mike I want to say, that often when people have their work out there- no matter how great it is, the critics always find the negative stuff and fill up columns or clips of all the bad stuff. Such as the recent "funny negative" clip posted on Angels and Demons.

And here, it's our business to be negative for the purposeful development of skill through scrutiny. So it's obvious, we get pages and pages of negative critiques on wips, BUT when something really good comes along. It's usually just. That was really good. And then we move on.

I just want to say that this little tale had the perfect execution necessary for what I believe you were trying to accomplish and I could just imagine myself when I was ten years old watching something like this. It obviously has that kind of vibe like I remember with Night Gallery.

To me, what's important in this isn't just what's on the page, but it's what you left off the page. It's the context that you built without littering the script with too much information.

As with the last read I had with Tanis, she is perfect for the role.

The Premise is excellent I think and perfectly marketable and I don't get why it hasn't been picked up yet.

Come on you bozos! PICK THIS UP!!!!

This is a perfect example yes, of recycling tried and true, but it's also a perfect example of solid skill from a man who knows his stuff.

You are to be commended on this Mike. It's the things that often look simple that are the hardest.

I enjoy your work.

Sandra

Glen and Sandra,

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you both enjoyed it.

As far as being outside of my comfort zone, I don't think that was really the case here. True, I do have a habit and reputation of writing things that are more comedic in nature, but I have a pretty fair number of scripts that fall into the downplayed/subtle horror genre as well.

Getting it picked up? Hmm, I can't say that I wouldn't love for that to happen, but this is definitely something that would cost quite a bit of money to produce. I appreciate the mention of Night Gallery, as I've always been a fan of that and shows like it.

Mike,

I listened to the iScript, which I thought was done pretty excellently. So I'm just going to focus on the story here.

What I liked about a lot of the script was the ferris wheel spin (no pun intended) put on things. I thought that was a very insightful and interesting metaphor for life and death and the great journey and what not. I responded to that quite well. There was also a very strange undercurrent of tension in the atmosphere that I can't quite put on my finger on. Maybe it's just because ferris wheels scare the living shit out of me, but there is a foreboding in the script that really made things flow quite well.

Charlie's journey through the script I thought you handled very well also. His getting caught up in this obsession with ferris wheels and having that be his ultimate undoing was quite an ironic twist and I enjoyed that quite a bit. By making it his choice to accept his fate and get on that ride at the end, it makes his ultimate fate all his fault. Certainly a darker turn than I expected, I know I wouldn't like to be stuck in a fucking ferris wheel with my father for all eternity.

Tanis was well-written, I thought the bookending quality worked quite well. Job well done, Bert. This was my first SoulShadows experience and it was a good one. I look forward forward to reading more. All in all, a pretty excellent script, Mike. Funny and haunting and sad and, in its own small, creepy way, a little inspiring. Congrats :D

I read this script a long time ago but haven't had time to sit down and formulate a articulate comment other than "DiZ iz gewd! lol"

but i'm kind of in an in between ... limbo right now so..here I am.

I liked this script, the scene with the last ferris wheel actually popped into my mind the other day because i remember the description of the area so vividly and i enjoyed how you set up the location.

So much that I actually thought I had seen that scene in a movie i rented at one point. So I think you definitely did a good job in portraying the last ferris wheel.

Also, let me just say that the more you read this script the creepier Yuri's line saying he rode the ferris wheel six weeks earlier gets. Doesn't that somewhat inply that Yuri, not six weeks earlier was just like Charlie?...hmm.

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