Shhh (Gibson version) by Andrew Gibbs (53mnro) - Short, Horror - A quiet suburban house on a dark street. The lights flicker. A boy hides in a closet. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was supposed to be one of this Twilight Zone-esque scripts where the ending is everything.  I found that it didn't work as there was no flow in the story.  You have image A, then image B, then C... but it was no different than looking at non-related images.

All the headers were unneeded, except for the first one.  Generally you only need a new header when you're switching to a different scene in the story.  If a scene opens with a character walking from the kitchen to the living, you have a header for the kitchen, but not the living room.

The camera angles and directions are also unneeded.  They're distracting.  On your first page you wrote we see and we slowly push through to the point that it's distracting.

Hope this helps.


Phil

I see page length of three, I think why not?  Going to be a quick read, surely.

This took a while to get through.  A little bit of labour involved.

You need to remove the constant camera angles.

'A wide shot of'

Are you planning on filming this yourself?

Anyway, from a story point of view.  Not bad.  It did feel a touch scary and suspenseful.  The ending couldn't have been more different.  Not sure what to make of that.  I can only guess:

SPOILER

I can only guess that the older boy was trying to look after the younger version?

The ending also doesn't have much of a closure feeling to it.

Try to keep your paragraphs to about 3/4 lines.  No more than five at the max.

For your slugs.  From the second slug onwards.  You can drop the INT. and Night part as the time of day never shifts, only the location within the house.

Oh, and welcome to these forums.  Not sure if I've seen your name here.

All the best,


Javier

Well... Many issues.

First of all, "WE"... Too many "we". If you absolutely want to describe the sequence the way you do, better introduce your sequence with something like CAMERA POV. That leads to the other issue.

Is the boy in the closet the same the boy who killed everyone? It's rather confusing. You just call them "the boy" (by the way, the first time you introduce a character, capitalize him). If it's so, it would be interesting when you describe your POV to establish the camera is at a certain high. "We" doesn't mean anything. It could be anybody.

Some blocks have to too many lines. 5 max each. Some action would be more suspensefull if you cut them. IMHO

Michel 8)

Hey guys.

Thanks for reading and responding. That was fast. Really fast. I've been reading the posts here for a long time now, and have learned a lot from you guys.

With the script, it is something I'm shooting. I'm currently working on a feature film as DP, and to break things up I'll come up with little "scenes" basically to shoot while we have extra time. The boy is one of our actors in the feature who's great, so it gives him more stuff for his reel also.

Formatting - I know what you guys mean on the way it's broken down.
I wrote this while sitting in a chaotic Chicago laundromat, so I basically zoned out from the hell around me and wrote what I was envisioning in my head. As a director/DP, I can see things easier than I can write them, even say them. The hardest thing for me with this, and I know it was confusing because I didn't know exactly how to say it, was the end. The boy is the killer. It's basically the point where he realizes a second personality, and being told by that second personality, "don't worry, I'll take care of everything". Thanks for the tip with CAMERA POV. That would've made it less confusing.

I'm currently finishing up a feature length horror/comedy script, going over rewrites and touches with some other filmmakers here in Chicago that we plan to shoot next summer. When I get finished with my drafts, I'm going to put it up here to get your guys' thoughts. These shorts I write are more of a fun shoot and experience for me, but this feature is something I'm putting my absolute all into. I'm interested in seeing what you guys think of it.

Thanks again guys.
Andrew

I  liked your script. It was pretty intense.

Andrew,

I think you have something here.

Please post this short when it is filmed - I think it could work well on screen.

It was quite suspenseful, but - like Phil said - the structure impinged on the read. I like the images, however.

Two main questions really: What did the light symbolise? Or what it merely a plot device to up the ante?

Plus, was the young chap seeing himself as a representation of his own impending suicide? I am assuming this was the case, and am left with the fairly clear idea that he was the murderer. A touching up of the script and/or the filmed short should hopefully clear up these questions, I hope.

Nice job.

Andrew