Do Not Enter by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Drama - A crazy old war vet's beloved pet fish dies.  He now has one final mission.  To end his own life.25 pages - pdf, format 8)


Do Not Disturb by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Drama - A crazy old war vet's beloved pet fish is killed. 25 pages - pdf, format 8)

Fishbowl by Brandon Schinzel - Short, Drama - A touching story about a man ending it all. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Brandon:  How many times are you going to post this same fish story?

When you do a rewrite, please let Don know it is a rewrite.

Is this author even around?

{Don's Edit: Merged the three threads}

Brandon...

Did you get the memo?  How many times are you going to try and re-animate-- rejuvenate-- re-hash-- recycle your three part saga.  Other then adding a few pages, you've done nothing to improve this.  Especially after the previous feedback you've gotten... after 1174 REVISIONS will it take another 1174 to figure out by now to CAP the characters the first time you introduce them.  Yes, that was in some of the previous feedback.

So you know what that tells me, you "dont care," or you choose to "ignore," them.  You just dump your stuff on this site, never to be heard from.

Your big bunky chunks of paragraphs-- some eight lines long.  Half the things in them only repeat themselves.  Repititiveness.  A good writer can take your chunks of paragraphs and cut them down to three and still keep the original intent.  You didn't even think about breaking them up.

What is this?  INT. BEDROOM - SUNRISE /  Is this a new format?  I know formatting scripts are liberal... but we haven't gone that far to the left.  You have alot of that going on.

Spellcheck? Man.

Your main character George.  So this is what we got?  A grumpy old man and that's exactly what he is.  In a time warp, still living in the past.  So his fish died, which his wife left him.  He gets drunk, starts shooting up the place, gets arrested, and at the end feed the ducks.

Your character can barely walk or see.  Now get him drunk and put a gun in his hand.  Chances are, he'd shoot himself or after the first couple of shots, drop the gun because of his limited physical abilities.  

I didn't buy it in "EPISODE II," and I'm not buying it in "EPISODE III,".  The lawyer removing his bluetooth.  Most of them wouldn't have done it, especially, after George was throwing out insults.

He ran the gambit on that one.  Your character didn't leave no one out.  Latins-- blacks-- Asians.  So he's a racist.  Being from that era, you did stay true to that.  At the end with the "hallmark," moment...  It's like jumping out of an airplane at 30,000 feet without a parachute, "too late."

I didn't like your character and felt sorry for the others.  You could have warmed him up much earlier. If you cut down some of your clunky actionlines, you can easily get this to 20 pages.  Better yet, down to even fifteen, if you had George shot himself during his drunken state.

You dragged this thing out even more, and it wasn't necessary, not too mention tedious and very painful at times.  Your logline is very misleading.  You might want to change it.

Other then that... nothing original here, this has been done before in some form or fashion and much better.  Some might find your story heart-warming but it did nothing for me, back then and nothing now.

Ghostwriter