Fade Out: by Michel J. Duthin - Short - Sometimes great ideas during the night can be dusted away by the sun rays. 4pages - pdf, format 8)

Ah, yes the dreaded "blank page". And I can also relate to those "brilliant ideas" had just on the brink of nodding-off.  Good imagery throughout - enjoyed the domestic observations and nice little touches like the pencil above his top lip etc. Short, but sweet, Libby.

cute ah-ha story.

i think the beginning should be a montage since you jump from 10 to almost noon, or series of shots, passage of time, cause i don't think the clock is broken.

Michel,

This is cute but I think it needs a little more punch. I think any writer can relate to the story but we’re not getting anywhere near the whole picture here. He’s there all day and action-wise, he scratches his ear, stretches, makes a pencil moustache, starts to write and stops. That’s a good beginning but I think we need more.

Maybe a scene of him sprawled on the floor saying, “What am I going to write? What am I going to wriiiiiiiite?”

Or a scene of him throwing a tantrum, jumping up and down, berating himself. “You suck! You want to be a writer? You can’t write!!!!”

More struggling. More conflict.

The ending was a little anti-climactic for me. When he said he didn’t remember what he wrote and Louise went to look, I knew it was setting something up. When Louise looked disappointed, I thought maybe he had written some secret that was about to be revealed, such as that he was having an affair or something. My expectation was something bigger than what I got. So I was a little disappointed. I think the ending you went for is fine and would work, but I’m not sure if it needs a little something more or just needs a better set up.

It’s cute and I think it could make a good short but I think it needs more as it is.


Breanne

Hello Michel,

It's all right, a little slow to get into.  The ending's okay.  Nothing really OMG about it.  Just a middle of the road type script.

I notice you wrote this with a little help from your friends.  Maybe that would be a good angle.  The conflict of opinions from others.  What's good and bad.  Or that no one can think of anything.  What do you think?

Or,

Simon could sleep walk and move about in his sleep.  How about when Simon wakes up in the morning, he finds that he's written a short on his laptop and cannot recall a single moment?  The wife reads it and it turns out to be some secret that should never have been revealed?

All the best,


Javier

This reminds me of the joke the writer/blogger(whose name I forget) told.

A guy wakes up in the middle of the night with the most brilliant idea that's sure to make him a MILLIONAIR mu-hahaha! so he scrambles around frantically searching for a pen and a notepad. Upon finding them he quickly scribbles the gravy train of an idea and falls languidly back to sleep.

Next morning with baited breath he grabs the notepad to see that fantastic idea. It reads: "Boy meets girl. The end".

Your take on the joke is a bit relaxed, with the added character. I'm not sure what you should've done to punch it up.

Still the writing was clean and terse. Good job on that.

First of all, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Beside the OWC "Riverside Afternoon" (and, yes, "Memories" :-/), this was only an exercise to be back in the saddle in my process of writing in English. So, will be my two next shorts. Then, I'll take things more seriously.

In fact, this could be my story. I often think about stories just before falling asleep (or sometimes when I dream - one of those was the start for a feature several years ago). To be honest, I frequently think there are good ideas, but the day after either I can't remember it or it sucks. I opted for the final as the most usual flim theme.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson Maybe a scene of him sprawled on the floor saying, “What am I going to write? What am I going to wriiiiiiiite?” Or a scene of him throwing a tantrum, jumping up and down, berating himself. “You suck! You want to be a writer? You can’t write!!!!”

Maybe you're right Breanne, but I fought to not writing this kind of scene just because I hate when people talk to themselves. I find it too easy.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson He’s there all day and action-wise, he scratches his ear, stretches, makes a pencil moustache, starts to write and stops. That’s a good beginning but I think we need more.

I had so many ideas (too many?) but for both my limitation in English and the fear to make "too much" for the reader I decided to confined myself to those few actions.

Quoted from jayrex I notice you wrote this with a little help from your friends.

That was a tribute to Pia who helped me to correct my grammar and my syntax. Thanks to her.

Quoted from jayrex Simon could sleep walk and move about in his sleep.  How about when Simon wakes up in the morning, he finds that he's written a short on his laptop and cannot recall a single moment?  The wife reads it and it turns out to be some secret that should never have been revealed?

I even thought he mistook a thermometer for a pen. Once again, it wasn't the goal of my story. I guess there were so many alternative for the ending, but I prefered to be simple. Sorry, if some of you have been "disappointed".

Libby talked about "the dreaded "blank page" and Breanne pointed out it too.  I think we all were one day in that situation.

Quoted from JamminGirl Still the writing was clean and terse. Good job on that.

Whoaw. At last a compliment from JamminGirl  ;D

Thanks again
Michel 8)

Hmm. Maybe this makes for a good chuckle for us writers but I don't think it'd amount to much for anyone else. Honestly, something needs to happen. Anything, really. Everything's the same in the end. I'm not saying the characters need to change but something needs to happen for the story to amount to anything. I like the writing itself and the dynamic between husband and wife is well conceived. This stuff usually comes off pretty run-of-the-mill but you managed to do something slightly different. But right now, this needs more. Just like Simon's script needs more.

Michel,
This was very well written, but have to agree with the majority that the ending lacked the punch I was expecting. There are scripts that seem to build up to a big payoff, and this seemed liked one of them all along, so it caught me off guard when the ending didn't raise the bar.
The first scene of Simon coming up with an idea and typing one of his thoughts brought to mind "the Shining" so maybe that's what put me off. It might have helped if there was a greater passage of time than just one morning (really just a couple of hours) to really express his writers block and his frustration. It's something that myself, and a lot of other people here can relate to.
Overall it was a really good effort, look forward to reading more of your work.
Nate

Michel, 4 page  It's a short, short.short - pretty good stuff. I liked the ending. If you were to punch it up the simpliciity of your story may suffer. I always look at shorts as a stepping stone to something bigger in the writer's next work.

Gary

Michel

As most have said, this is a nice little short for a 4 pager. I like your style of writing, pleasure to read. Simon is a great character who you developed him remarkably well in such a short time. His little mannerism and quirks were amusing and naturally anybody here who has attempted to write something will know exactly what it's like at times to simply not be able to come up with anything...at all...or when you do, not have the means to record it in some way.

The punchline worked well too.

Good job

Col.