Endless Story by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A man. A woman. A hotel room. A bed. What else?… Uh, I forgot… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

hi michel. Hey, this was good! Very unexpected ending and quite funny too. Your writing was fluent with only a couple of basic grammatical errors.
This would be a great R-rated short!
Maybe though, you could change the logline to just: 'A man. A woman. A hotel bed. Complete strangers'. Something like that anyway, to make it more mysterious.
Good job!

Hey Michel, I thought this was ok. Kinda funny but I was just wondering how two people could go so quickly from not knowing who they are or why a stranger is in their room, to having sex with each other.

SPOILER
And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place? I know what you are going for and like I said, it's kinda funny, but doesn't really make sense. It was pretty well written though so good job on that.

Cheers,
Tim.

Stevie & Trojan

thank you for your reviews. I didn't expect much because this is the kind of cr@p I write to improve my style as my English. I kinda like it anyway. The next ones would be much (much) darker.

Quoted from Trojan And as for it being an amnesia convention, how would they remember to turn up to it or even get themselves there in the first place?

Uh... Who are you? Why are you asking that?

No. Seriously, remember, they have tag names.

Michel 8)

Hi partner! haha!

It was a very nice amnesia joke. I loved to see someone asking the doorman something like this:

- Hey, is here the american amnesia convention?

- I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not sure about that neither what the hell I'm doing in here!" ;D

nice exercise, mon ami!
Helio

This crap as you call it, was pretty good. It read fairly well. Some places where your wording was a little odd:

windowpane overlooks                  window
on the verge of the bed                edge
fully naked                                  naked
frontal nudity                               nudity
looking at her in her every move    at her every move
let's resume the situation              review (though resume is funnier)
you're a very seducing woman        seductive
i'm sure you're not insensible         insensitive

My favorite line was "very good friends, I must admit," my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."

I know you wrote this to get more comfortabe with writing in English so I hope this helps.

Gary

Hey Gary

thank you for the tips. I keep noting them somewhere to not make them again.

Quoted from grademan my least favorite "he scratches his crotch."

Well, it's a typical male habit when he gets up in the morning. Don't you?  ;D

Michel 8)

Hey Michel,

Really enjoyed this short. I chuckled when I read the ending, seriously wasn't expecting that, so well done. Would be relativly easy to shoot (as long as you found some actors who don't mind getting butt-neked), and would translate pretty well to the screen.

Sure, there were a few typos and awkward sentences, but seeing as English isn't your first language, I think you did a very good job. Grademan pointed out everything I noticed as far as typos and awkward sentences, so edit them in the rewrite.

But yeah, congrats with this, I loved this short. Wouldn't be surprised if it gets picked up for production soon :)

Toby.

Michel,

Nice little script to segue you into your Sins work.

I enjoyed this, and of your scripts, this is definitely my favourite. I was struggling at one point to see where you were going with it, and was very pleasantly surprised to see what you did with it  - nice touch.

The others have touched on what were my small complaints, and the only thing I can add to this is that it felt a little too similar to a script that was on here already - madhatter's 3 men wake in a room (can't recall the title), which is definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.

Still, I liked this and agree with Toby that it's fertile ground for production.

Nice job.

Andrew

Oh, Michel, one thing I would consider changing is the title of the script... I don't know, I just don't think it fits the feel of the script.

Hi Michel,

Not bad.  The ending was funny and what made it.

All the best,


Javier

Thank you. I really appreciate and never thought this could entertain you as much.

For those who haven't read it yet, I wrote a long time ago another 5-page script with the same mood:

"Happiness is as simple as a phone call"

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Happiness....pdf

Quoted from Andrew definitely a 'Groundhog Day' influenced premise.

Funny thing you said. I just realized that the French title of "Groundhod Day" can be translated in English as... The Endless Day (Le Jour Sans Fin)


Michel 8)

Why not in french. I like it than in English:

LE JOUR SANS FIN

It seems a Godard's film tittle! ;D

By the way Don put your name on The real Pig Flu's Story!

lets see now

2 actors

1 location

A banner painted on the side of a building with Aftereffects

A clever twist.

Yep this short is a filmmakers wet dream.

Good job Michel.  

Michel

Not a bad little skit in the vein of Memento...without the tragedy, killing, deceit and self tattoo-ing.

Quoted from Colkurtz8 Michel Not a bad little skit in the vein of Memento...without the tragedy, killing, deceit and self tattoo-ing.

Believe me or not, but I never saw that film. But you make me feel like now.

Anyway, thank you for the reading.

Michel 8)

michel

Oh yes, make it a priority, its superb.

Like all great films, it requires multiple viewings to really appreciate it.

Hey Michel, loved this...

What a great and simple idea.  My only minor issue was with that the woman seemed a little to quick to accept the strange mans offer of a rummage in the bed.

I did think to myself that being a member of the AAA looks attractive in this situation but I wonder how long before it becomes a little sore? lol.

Anyway great story, really liked it.

Quoted from alffy the woman seemed a little to quick to accept the strange mans offer of a rummage in the bed.

Alffy, you know how women are...

Only joking Pia, Breanne and Cindy...

I know that point but I couldn't make the conversation any longer. It would have been boring. Anyway, you have to admit that the man's argument is consistent...

Thanks again for the read.

Michel 8)

Great script ;D When she went to the bathroom, in the end, I kind of saw it starting all over again. I loved the ending.

Thanks FDiogo,

I'm glad to realize that my humour is universal... I had fun too writing it.

Michel 8)

Memento is really an amazing film. You should definitely try and catch it.

I liked this, actually. The transition from 'who are you? What the fuck are you doing in my room?' to 'You smell amazing, baby that feels so good' was perhaps a LITTLE abrupt, but then that doesn't really matter given the overall mood of this piece.

It reminded me, just a little, of this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1OP4qhuUKo

Quoted from JonnyBoy Memento is really an amazing film. You should definitely try and catch it.

I will, JonnyBoy, I will. I've planned to watch this weekend

Quoted from Colkurtz8 michel Oh yes, make it a priority, its superb. Like all great films, it requires multiple viewings to really appreciate it.

So, it must be a GREAT film because I was a bit lost on the end.  I'll tell you what after multiple viewings ;)

Michel 8)

Enjoyed the screenplay, I thought it was short, snappy and very funny! Keep it up!

Thanks Craig. I had fun while writing it, giggling on my own. Hope someone will shoot it.

My next one won't be as bright as this one.

Michel 8)

No worries, I look forward to reading it.

It'll be a dark and unmoral story with an alternative ending.

very funny stuff, though i could see there being a little more convincing before they jump into bed again.  maybe some signs of drinking just to lose the inhibitions.
not sure if 'wet dream' properly translates across the cultural divide, I'm sure someone can explain it if not.

Quoted from jackx very funny stuff, though i could see there being a little more convincing before they jump into bed again.  maybe some signs of drinking just to lose the inhibitions.

I'm quite sure the man's explanations are so logical that the woman has to believe him. Imagine yourself in that situation LOL... And, who said women need drinks to to lose their inhibitions? Just take a look at Pia's strories...

Michel 8)

well us guys arent known for taking alot of convincing to jump in the sack, though occasionally we are gifted with eloquence to get women to join us, heheh.    oh forgot to say before, excellent logline.

Quoted from jackx excellent logline.

Thanks jackx. I must say this time I was particulary inspired... of what???

Michel 8)

Congratulations Michel,

I look forward to seeing the finished result.


All the best


Craig

Good news. The script was produced last week in Hong Kong....

https://www.facebook.com/pg/Endless-Story-392094824604477/photos/?tab=album&album_id=392118864602073

Congrats Michael!

congrats