Leaving Tasmania, A Documentary by Tom Pascal (tommyp) - Short, Animated Comedy - Two bandicoots dream of greener grass, but getting to the mainland is harder than they thought it would ever be. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Tom, this is very funny, and extremely well written! It would be a great animation.
You have nailed the doco send up spot on as well as some Aussie lingo.
Top job.

Thanks Stevie! Very kind.

Guys, this is my first animation, so I wasn't sure how much detail I should have in the action, compared to a non animation script. The bandicoots are obviously very cartoon, so imagine them like that. This a mix between Creature Comforts and Surfs Up.

Comments and criticism are welcome as always.

Tommy, this was terrific!  I would love to see this done by Pixar to show before one of their features!

I loved the mom reminding him that dinner is at six.  Excellent!

Hey Tommy, good work. You incorporated the presence of the camera and cameraman well, and your jokes were good. I liked the ending, too.

You have a couple of grammatical errors, and I was a little confused about the final scene - is that no longer documentary style? I'm assuming not, since one of the bandicoots couldn't have filmed the sign without seeing it himself, and there's no way the camera crew could be there...just looking for clarification.

Overall, though, nice job.

Really funny - some great one-liners in here Tommy.

SEMI SPOILERS:
Loved the mother-bandicoot's lines in ref. to Toot & Twig. (terrific character names btw) I could def. relate to this-have known a few men - always with the next big plan.

         It’s always “this is it” and “this
         is the one”, but they always come
         back.

One of the bandicoots thinking he was going to see Big Ben on the mainland - and then after being corrected, not wanting to appear as dumb on camera - really funny.

There is only one scene in there I'm not quite sure of - in terms of it blending seamlessly with the rest - and you acquiring a PG release if you get my gist.

But the last scene is a classic. As soon as I read this line, I knew it.
        
         "Sheep are scattered all over the land, and there is
          not a human in sight."

The final big reveal. Great ending!

Steven... Thanks for the read and the compliment! :)

Jon... Yeah, I wasn't really sure how to do the final scene.... I though about it a lot, and would love to make it documentary style, if you have any ideas of how it could work...

LC... Thanks for saying nice things about the short! Glad you can relate to it. In regards to the scene you are talking about, I was going to make it all PG rated, but the animation company who were looking for a script wanted something M or MA rated, so I changed it around a bit.

Guys, do you think it would work better as PG? That would mean changing a few scenes, but it wouldn't be too drastic? Or is it good with a bit of sex, language and alcohol?

Hey Tommy,

Nice story mate. Well written and good characters.

I noticed that for some of the slugs you had INT. BEACH and others you had EXT. BEACH. Is there a difference between the two?

Regarding the ending, I thought it worked well that they ended up in NZ. However I think it would work better if they had a specific reason and purpose to get to mainland Oz. At the moment it seems they are more worried about only getting out of Tassie so I felt the impact of ending up in NZ instead was a bit diminished. Like they escaped home but arrived somewhere different than they intended, but so what? As it is they don't know if they want to go to Melb or Darwin...what if they had a specific place they had to reach for a specific purpose? Not sure off the top of my head but maybe they want a job, or for girls (bandicoot schoolies week?), or to take mushrooms in Nimbin...just so them arriving in NZ has more impact. Just a thought.

Quoted from Tommyp Guys, do you think it would work better as PG? That would mean changing a few scenes, but it wouldn't be too drastic? Or is it good with a bit of sex, language and alcohol?

Didn't you say the producers wanted an MA script? If that's what they are after then I'd go that route, but if it is your call then go with how you would like to see it on screen. I think at the moment it is a PG script with a couple of M-rated bits thrown in. I'm not sure it fits with the tone of the rest of the script, maybe because you were unsure how clean you wanted it to be. If you do want it to be more adult perhaps you could play that up a bit more from the start so the whole script has that feel.

Overall thought it was a good effort and well executed, would turn out well if it gets produced I'm sure.

Cheers,
Tim.

Bandicoot schoolies week!!! Excellent, Tim!  Tommy, whaddya reckon?

Tim... Thanks for the read. the EXT and INT was probably just a typo. Here in Tassie, lots of people just 'want to get out' and don't really mind where. So that's what I was going for. But yeah, I agree that the ending would be stronger if they planned to go to a specific place.

I love the schoolies week idea! Very nice sir!

Well the production company were looking for script, so I thought I would write this, and I did it to what rating they wanted. They didn't want the script, so now I can change it around and have it PG if i want. With me? So yeah, I might make it PG...

TommyP-Jumping on the bandwagon here. Great job. Maybe it should be produced by PIX.. no scratch that  - Pascal Animatiions?

Quoted from Tommyp Here in Tassie, lots of people just 'want to get out' and don't really mind where.

Yeah that's understandable  ;)

Quoted Text Well the production company were looking for script, so I thought I would write this, and I did it to what rating they wanted. They didn't want the script, so now I can change it around and have it PG if i want. With me? So yeah, I might make it PG...

Yeah I thought that might be the case. I think your natural style would lend itself to being a good PG rated script so go with your instincts if that's what you feel.

Ah crap!  I can't for the life of me remember what a bandicoot looks like and I live in Australia. Always liked Numbats. They're a cool critter.

Aren't those chocolate marsupials they have at Easter time in Austalia a bandicoot?

This was a joy to read.  People mention Pixar but I thought this had more of laid back Aardman sort of feel to it like Creature Comforts.

I liked the punch line at the end where the end is pretty much where they started, except with sheep instead of apples.  

Thanks for the read Tonka! Yeah, bandicoots aren't really that interesting... until they start talking like mine.
Yeah, the ones at Easter, that's right.

I was thinking of Creature Comforts when I wrote this.

Glad you liked it man.

Hey Tommy/Glenn, I'm pretty sure the Easter one is a Bilby. Bandicoots are bigger -a bit like a rat (but nicer looking). And they're constantly digging up my garden! Libby

Ah, you may be right Libby. My mistake. And I do hope they stop digging up your garden! :)

Brilliant. I hate to use that word too, trust me. The odd typo is the only distraction. Idea, execution and dialogue are all enjoyable, well crafted and genuinely funny. I could plainly see all this as I read it. That in itself is an achievement. Slightly subversive PG I hope it will be. Congrats and good luck with it. One point that I always feel with good shorts (I should have phrased that better I knowbut anyway) it is too short. 12 mins that could easily go on way way longer.

Thankyou for the read Rendevous. What typo's did you see? If you can point them out I can fix them up.

Does anyone else here think it could be longer? How long?

You're welcome Tommy. Some typos are debatable and some are plain anal, but as you asked...you can decide.
P2 Full stop missing after O.S.
P3 'english' always needs a capital letter
P5 'wont' should be won't
P9 grandfathers grandfather - grandfather's grandfather
P11 'Twig is still wears sunglasses' - doesn't make sense - wearing / still has / or lose the 'is'

I was thinking if someone was going to make this they'd want to see twenty minutes or so, at least.

Here is what a Bandicoot looks like:

Oh, yeah! I remember that game!

Crahs Bandicoot. Holy shit! how could I  forget about that. I use to spend hours playing that with my nephew on the playstation.

Tommyp

This as ok, a funny idea, good for animation. It flowed well and the scenes came thick and fast. I would have welcomed more interaction and possibly calamity from the camera man or some of the other characters present here. They seem to come in and out  of the story with no real bearing on the outcome or fate of Twig and Toot (great names by the way)

That was probably the biggest criticism for me, in the 12 pgs nothing major happened in terms of conflict or a twist of any sort to thwart the two. They just talked to the camera man expressing their desire to leave the place, we realize they have tried a number of methods before and failed, so here just seemed like them finally getting the idea right (or at least to a certain degree, Note to self: Buy stronger oars next time)

Which is what they done after much talking and tooling about which had no effect or importance to them coming up with the idea that did work (A very obvious one at that, no?) It was funny how they ended up in NZ but I don't think its enough to carry the pieCe through.

Not bad, great premise, probably needs a rethink and a rewrite just to make it a little more entertaining, a twist maybe or a nemesis/rival that they have to outdo in order to achieve their goal.

Col.

Col, thanks for the read. Appreciate it man.

I see your point about the lack of conflict. I suppose I was just going for laughs here, but a rewrite will definitely bring more characters, and more conflict.

I like your idea of the whole thing leading up to them thinking about a boat, instead of it randomly popping into Toot's head when he was singing drunkenly. And yeah, a rival of some type would be good.

Thanks for your review, I will incorporate your ideas in the next draft :)

Hey Tommy,
The pixilated images scene was great, as well as the bit with the Coke advertisement. Although there was a complete lack of conflict, the scenes moved very quickly. You moved each forward without lingering too long.
You got in to each scene at a good moment, said what you had to say, and then got out at pretty much the right time in most scenes.
Since this is animation I would have liked to have seen a few more visual jokes, instead of the focus on talking directly to the camera. maybe instead of talking up the waterskiing you could show a quick shot of it while voiceover plays over it?
The only real suggestion would be to go with a Pg 13 or a hard R story. You definitely had your best moments with the R rated stuff, would like to see you run with that and see how far you could push it.  The pixilated images scene is a great example, his pillow talk could've been spiced up some more. As the scene is, I think every guy has been in that situation and tried to ease the awkwardness.
Overall, this was cool, and some really genuinely funny scenes and lines. Would be interested in seeing where you could take this from here. Good work,
Nate

Hey Nate, thanks for the review.

I see your point about visual jokes. It is a documentary style, so I have to be careful with chucking flashbacks in.

I am on the second draft of this as we speak, and I think it's going to be PG. So I will take out the pixilated scene, and some of the language.

I think I will have to do an R rated version, as I love writing that kinda stuff.

Thanks for the kind words about it man, appreciate it.

Hey Tommy

I have to say I really enjoyed this.  I don't have anything negative to say at all.  It was funny throughout and the ending was great.  Good stuff.

Thanks Alffy, really appreciate the nice stuff you say about the script. Out of interest, because you aren't from Australia, is the whole Tasmania thing lost on you? Do you know much about Tasmania?

And that question is for everyone that has read it and is not Australian. Does the fact that it's about Tasmania change the comedy/drama aspect? Or do you think it would work with any island?

I know Tasmania is an Island off the south coat of Australia...right?  It's small and most of it is a National park I think?

I think the fact that's Tasmania helps, because it is a legitimate Island in close proximity of a larger country. It gives the story believeability (is that even a word?), although I'm not sure Bandicoot's escaping an island is beleivable lol.

I live in England, but I don't think using Ireland would work for me.  Ireland is of course a big and well populated country, so the possibilty of anyone wanting to leave and come to England is less than Tasmania to Australia.  Mind it doesn't stop half of Europe trying to get into England, but that's another issue.

Anyway I had no problems with you using Tasmania Tommy.

Hey Tommy,

All I know about Tasmania is that our future queen (in Denmark) is from Tasmania. She's pretty hot so, obviously, I like Tasmania.

I definitely liked this for what it was, it was funny with some nice gems (the condom and the Coke). I also liked your potrayal of the varius Bandicoots, especially your main 'Coots - nicely done. But like Col said, it lacks crisis. I would like to know where they're so hellbend on leaving Tasmania, it can't just be because the place is a shithole (well, maybe it can - I've never been there.

Another thing I didn't get. The mama-coot keeps saying that they will be back, and I took that to mean that they've done/tried this before and yet it seems strange that this is the first time they've actually made a list of ways to get off Tasminia - it just sounded like that this was in fact their first time, you know.

Anyway, I thought this was good and I loved the "Welcome to New Zeeland" ending.

Cheers
Rob

Alffy... Yeah Tasmania is seen as "The Holiday Island". Population of just over half a million. Glad you had no problems with Tasmania. Thanks for the comments mate.

Sniper... Mary is a looker! Bit annoyed you have stolen her, but oh well. I get your points about not enough conflict. I'm writing the second draft at the moment, and there are more characters, including a guy who stops them leaving. He also sabotages the boat as well.
In relation to your comments about leaving, I have taken a good idea from Tim, that the bandicoots want to go to Schoolies Week on the mainland. So that justifies them wanting to leave so much.
Yeah they have tried to leave a few times before, I tried to show that, but I will make it clearer in the next draft.

Thanks for the read, and your feedback :)

Tommy,

This is the first animated script I have read, so am unsure what to expect.

The first page is very well-written. You then got me laughing out loud with:

Quoted Text TOOT Umm, well we are leaving. Twig and I. Me and Twig? What’s the correct english? I never know. It doesn’t even matter anyway. But we are leaving this... this... Toot pauses, tries to find the right word. TWIG Shithole.

Bang goes the Disney deal, right?

I see that your avatar is Ricky Gervais, who is an absolute diamond. The influence is very obvious here, which is a lovely piece of writing, btw - very visual in my mind:

Quoted Text The Mother playfully pokes the baby’s nose. The baby suddenly vomits on itself. The Mother stares at the camera. Awkward pause. The Camera Man clears his throat O.S.

Onto page 4, and the relationship between Twig and Toot is very interesting. The 'documentary' just gives an extra level of humour to events. Very nice to this point.

This is a breeze to read, and I am loving the constant nods - intentional or not - to 'The Office'. Haven't seen the American version, but I can just see the British one here. The Coke scene was great, as was this:

Quoted Text CAMERA MAN What are you excited about seeing on the mainland? TOOT Umm, the nightlife. The hustle and bustle, you know? Also the harbour bridge at some point, that Big Ben clock - TWIG That’s not on the mainland. 6. TOOT Isn’t it? You sure? TWIG Yeah. Pause. TOOT (to camera man) We can edit that bit out yeah? I just don’t wanna come across as dumb on the camera...

Lovely little scene with the Female Bandicoot. Very amusing.

Not being familiar with Tasmania, I was intrigued as to how this would play out for me, but in a nutshell - it didn't have any impact at all.

This feels like animation for adults, and I would absolutely love to see a produced version of this. You've crafted two great characters in Twig and Toot, and the obvious influence of Gervais benefits it further.

Great work.

Andrew

Hey Andrew, thanks for the review. I'm sorry for the late reply, I just realised you posted this, today... my bad.

Yeah, Gervias is a big influence on all the comedy I do, and this is no exception.

Thanks for all the kind words. I think I will get back to work on the draft now :)