Alone in the World by Freeman Gudbrand - Short, Action, Comedy - A young man takes a trip on a road that he didn't bargain for and finds that a cake really is lost in a fruit bowl. 5 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Freeman, I'd be happy to give this a read & a critique if you come around. Notice you've posted a few "Shorts" so far and you got some critiques for your last: "... Prodigy ... ".but I find it more satisfying if the author joins in the chat. Over to you.

Libby.

uh Libby, he's probably a regular wanting to keep his persona hidden... who knows.

I thought the story was written well and interesting, though the formatting was a bit off. Instead of using parentheticals, Freeman, you could have broken up John's speech into action lines. Not doing that caused John's dialogue to run over to the other page. Not good

I noticed you used 'camera' instead of 'us' or 'deadpan' alot. I guess it was to show that he was talking to a guy whose POV we're seeing from. It worked. Good job.

The twist was good. I don't get the chief's last line though...
  

Jammin'...are you frickin' kiddin' me?  WOW!!!  Unreal.  All I can say is U N R E A L!!!!!!

Dude, you need to check out what a script looks like.  Everything is so far off here. I'm not even going to go into detail.  Please...others...chime in here.

Ok, first off, a "Dude" is of the male persuasion. I'm 100% female. I know my first name sounds male but blame my mother for that. She wanted a boy, instead she got a girl who take up male-oriented careers like software programming and writing screenplays.

Dreamscale you need to ignore the format(which was off, and I mentioned it) and  focus on the story. It was a nicely written, twist and all.

EDIT: on second passing I realize your last line was meant for Freeman. LOL!

[quote=JamminGirl]uh Libby, he's probably a regular wanting to keep his persona hidden... who knows.

Yep, Trelan I had given that some thought. He's obviously a regular "lurker" (like I once was) but like I said I kinda like the writer to be a part of whole thing.

Also, (and maybe this should be another thread) there seems to be a debate at the moment about critiquing of
1. the actual "story" - i.e. if it is original/holds interest/is entertaining etc.
2. errors with industrystandardformatting/ and
3. grammar/punctuation/spelling etc. They're all part of the "whole" imo.

When a script's format needs help (and with all due respect Freeman) this one does - it's hard just to say forget about it. And I think not to point out things in a constructive and hopefully kind manner is a disservice to the writer.

Btw, Trelan if ever I call you "mate" just know that in 'Oz we call our gal-pals and our boy-friends "mate".

Anyway, Freeman - in the interest of making your script much much much better - come on out!


Jeepus, can't get this "quote" thingimy working right can I!

Know what, I was gonna complain about the format at first, but the story and its style swept me in. ;D
I'm not saying the bad formatting should be ignored but in all honesty, I see this as a case of him copying the text from a scriptwriting software and pasting it into Word. This, I think, accounts for the bad paging structure.

The action lines were a bit vague at times but I assume he's a camera guy, otherwise why say "the cuts"? Maybe I'm wrong and yeah, he aught to fix that, but I liked the story.

Oh yeah, when I first came to Canada, I met this one fella who called everyone "guy". I asked him "Do I look like a guy?" to which he would laugh and say "no but you know that's how I talk".
The same year I came here my friend migrated to Oz(well more like visited, met and married an Aussi and stayed there) . Every now and then she would talk to me in her new founded colloquialisms. Maybe she'll call me 'mate' too. lol

This seems like it was written by someone who intends to shoot it themselves.  

I'm not sure how the bottom and top margins totally disappeared, as word or script formatting programs generally do that for you.  

Now, while the actions put in the dialogue can be worked out, there are so many that it becomes a distraction.  I don't mind a few,well placed actions if they are in the flow of the dialogue, but there were so many here they needed to be separate, and would have read really well if done that way.

The story seems to be a pretty neat idea, but I don't get the twist at the end.  That lost me.

the twist that the was mad and talking to himself, not a hichter. he was the only one in the car. Another way this could've played out is to have his 'passenger' be a ghost or aparition of some sort...

I would see it as a ghostly apparition that made him wreck the car merely believing he'd been attacked.  The thing that gets me though is it seems like the Chief had some sort of knowledge of the situation.  Did you get that idea too?

yeah, the chief's line left a question in my mind... 'twould be nice if the author was around to answer these

It sure would, but you know these prodigys.  :)

Read it -- Badly formatted. Dialogue, while not terrible... wasn't terribly great. The concept is one taken from a video shot in Sintra Portugal... Or that's what I assimilate it with, only with a slight varriation to it.

John's absurdly long spiel about himself had more force behind it than Yoda and Obi-Won put together.

About all I can say... other than it was described with directors fingertips forward.

Oh, and why not upload in PDF or something that's not so offensive to read on?

Quoted from JamminGirl he's probably a regular wanting to keep his persona hidden...

No, this guy has posted about 5 scripts now -- and everybody loads him up with reviews because his scripts are very short -- and he has yet to respond to one single review.

Maybe he does not know the discussion board exists -- there are a few that have popped up at some later date saying something like that.

But why his threads generate so many posts to me is a mystery.  I find his scripts barely tolerable myself, and very seldom comment on the scripts of inactive members anyway.

The mysterious, enigmatic, perplexing, faceless, "responseless" Gudbrand strikes again with more subliminal, introspective, incomprehensible, head scratching psychobabble.

Entertaining read as always, in every sense of the word. Not as cryptic as your other works, this is a pretty straightforward tale without any real structure to it and seriously missing a satisfying conclusion.

One just has to wonder...What is the point?

Quoted from Colkurtz8 One just has to wonder...What is the point?

Could not have said it better. Although this one didn't leave me scratching my head, I really don't know why it was written.

If you respond to this thread, I will give you some more detailed feedback. If not, eh. But please sort out your formatting... Please?

Toby.

When he mentioned the the character speaking to the camera, I thought he meant an actual camera. Like the character was speaking to a recording...At least in the beginning. But anyway whats wrong with using P.O.V? I mean seriuosly...

Formating: Awful! After all this is a SCRIPT website where people submit SCRIPTS...It ought to be done properly. As for the story...... :-/

I read the thread after reading the script.  If I knew that Freeman doesn't participatel, I wouldn't have read it.


Phil

Hello.

My name is Freeman Gudbrand.
I have been writing scripts for a while.
I thought I'd give you all a hand.
In why I make you smile.

My scripts are there to entertain.
Though you may find it suprising.
I make sure we're not all the same.
By an enigmatic shorts uprising.

I write because I feel should.
Though some may find it shocking.
I enjoy the critics brotherhood.
In the fact that they're not mocking.

This is not where my talents lie.
They sleep in graphic design.
Though I thought I'd give it a try.
And found you all liked mine.

So that's the end of this rhyme.
I hope you all enjoyed it.
Now back to writing all my time.
Unless I can avoid it.

Thankyou.