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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  At Sea
Posted by: Don, May 26th, 2009, 5:53pm
At Sea by Harriet B - Short, Drama - On a day trip to the beach, a couple's strainded relationship comes to an end. 1 pages - rtf, format 8)
Posted by: michel, May 26th, 2009, 6:02pm; Reply: 1
Interesting cruel story with nice images, concise, but bad FORMATTING....

Sorry. Polish your script before submit.

First script, isn't it?

Michel 8)
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 6:32pm; Reply: 2
The formatting does need some work, Harriet.  You dropped a lot of visuals into one pile, making it something of a difficult read.

The story, itself, isn't really strong enough to stand on its own.  I can understand the challenge of writing a one page script, but I don't think this one pulled it off.


Phil
Posted by: JonnyBoy, May 26th, 2009, 6:52pm; Reply: 3
Gotta agree with the above, I'm afraid. The formatting is off, and the events just sort of...happen, since there's no time or reason for us to get emotionally involved in the events. By the end, do we care? Not really.

This is just TOO short. I've only read a couple of one-pagers before, and all of them suffer from the same basic problem: there just isn't really time to do anything. There's not even really time to raise questions or create conflict, let alone provide answers and resolution.

So a challenge, yes, but one you've failed to overcome.
Posted by: LC, May 26th, 2009, 8:05pm; Reply: 4
Harriet, I agree with Michel. For a one-page/no dialogue piece, I think you've succeeded in conveying some pretty nice images/conflict & domestic observations here.

In regard to page formatting (as others have noted) this refers to the way your screenplay is set out. Go to the Screenwriting discussion board, look at the screenwriting class section and the following links/sofware.

PROPER SCREENPLAY FORMAT

Scriptwriting Secrets - Thanks to jerdol

Various opinions on screenwriting format - Thanks to Dr. Mabuse

http://www.screenstyle.com/howtoforscre.html

http://www.blackscreenplays.com/formatting.htm

http://www.scriptologist.com/Magazine/Formatting/formatting.html

http://www.storysense.com/format.htm


Look forward to reading something else you may have.

Libby.

Looking at the links some may need to be updated. Also, screenwriting software available - (as others have mentioned elsewhere & correct me if I'm wrong) Movie Magic Screenwriter; Movie Outline; Final Draft; Celtx (latter is free) anyone else chime in if I've left something out.
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 8:17pm; Reply: 5
I'm not sure I understand the theory behind a one page script? Is it to gain interest in a full script you are working on, or is it meant simply to provoke a thought?

Shawn.....><
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 8:23pm; Reply: 6
There is a bit of a challenge in writing one, Shawn.  You have to establish the characters and the situation (and resolve it) in a very short amount of space.  There are a couple of nice ones on the boards.  You just have to find them.


Phil
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 8:36pm; Reply: 7
Thanks Phil,
I might just try one.  See how it works. Have you done one?

Shawn.....><
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 8:44pm; Reply: 8
I've done one or two.  One is from the Bad Penguin series.  The other is my PC vs Mac short.

I recommend that you read Pia's Dangerous World, instead.  It's the better script.


Phil
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 8:57pm; Reply: 9
Thanks,
You're right. That was a good example. It does seem like a challange to put so much into such a small box.

Shawn.....><
Posted by: Zack, May 26th, 2009, 9:04pm; Reply: 10
Interesting tale Harriet. Not bad for a one pager. Formats a bit off, but that's an easy fix. Get a writing program. Celtex is free and easy.

I'm kinda curious as to what it was that slipped Hughes mind? Maybe expanding this a little would add more of a punch to the end.

2/5

~Zack~
Posted by: Baltis. (Guest), May 26th, 2009, 9:37pm; Reply: 11
Strange...

Badly formated (in doc, as all badly formated scripts usually are)...

Lacking in depth, but to be expected for a 1 page short...

About it on my end.
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 27th, 2009, 3:16am; Reply: 12
Harriet

Regardles of the poor formatting I thought this was an good 1 pager. The tragic twist of fate (Hugh's heart attack) coupled with an intentional act (Anne leaving him) which will bring its own pain and heartache.

Id love to see how it would all pan out, an interesting premise you've got here. It craves expansion and further development though if its gonna go anywhere.

Col.
Posted by: michel, May 27th, 2009, 3:20am; Reply: 13
Furthermore, I think Anne's lines would be much better in V.O.

Michel 8)
Posted by: FDiogo, May 28th, 2009, 3:42am; Reply: 14
Great challenge, writing something in one page :o

I liked it though, besides the bad formating.
Posted by: michel, May 28th, 2009, 4:04am; Reply: 15

Quoted Text
a lonesome gull cries overhead as Hugh, mouth open, struggles to breathe, clasps his chest - it hurts, bad.

I don't know if it's only me, but at first, I thought Hugh had got some gull excrement dropped into his mouth, causing his chocking.

Thought it's a daring image (I don't want to offense you, I'm dead serious), it could have been a good parable. I can perfectly figure Anne saying to Hugh in the first sequence " You're full of sh*t", announcing that fact.

Once again, take no offense. I think that in an one-page script you have to shake up people. Anyway, that's only MHO.


Michel 8)
Posted by: LC, May 28th, 2009, 6:09am; Reply: 16

Quoted Text
I don't know if it's only me, but at first, I thought Hugh had got some gull excrement dropped into his mouth, causing his chocking.


OMG, can't say I saw it that way at all Michel! I really liked the images conveyed, (as I said in my earlier post).

Somehow I don't think that's what Harriet had in mind - hey, but who knows. Only Harriet can tell us.
Posted by: harrietb, May 29th, 2009, 3:33am; Reply: 17

Quoted from michel
Interesting cruel story with nice images, concise, but bad FORMATTING....

Sorry. Polish your script before submit.

First script, isn't it?

Michel 8)


hi Michel,

Sorry about the format. I use Final Draft (usually) but that, and all my files plus scripts, is inaccessable after the computer on which they were stored was hacked. I've still got the disk and just hope that Final draft will allow me to install it yet again.

And you're right - this is my first one page script :)
Thanks for the read
Best,

H
Posted by: JamminGirl, May 29th, 2009, 3:37am; Reply: 18
It was actually good, I thought. Not bad for a start. You can always get another software. One thing though, you might consider slimming down your paragraphs just so you don't scare readers with huge blocks of text. Nice job.
Posted by: harrietb, May 29th, 2009, 3:40am; Reply: 19

Quoted from LC


OMG, can't say I saw it that way at all Michel! I really liked the images conveyed, (as I said in my earlier post).

Somehow I don't think that's what Harriet had in mind - hey, but who knows. Only Harriet can tell us.


Haha. No, I hadn't thought of that at all. I just find the sound of a gull's cry to be kind of haunting and lonesome and thought that sound might work well with that image of Hugh gasping for breath.

Sorry for not responding sooner to all your comments (and thanks so much to all for those) but I've only just had my memebrship validated and wasn't able to add comments until now.

Best,

H
Posted by: LC, May 29th, 2009, 5:52am; Reply: 20
      
    "I just find the sound of a gull's cry to be kind of haunting and lonesome and    thought that sound might work well with that image of Hugh gasping for breath."

Yep, really nice image; worked for me.

Welcome Harriet, great to see you on the boards!

Libby
Posted by: harrietb, June 1st, 2009, 2:13am; Reply: 21

Quoted from Colkurtz8
Harriet

Regardles of the poor formatting I thought this was an good 1 pager. The tragic twist of fate (Hugh's heart attack) coupled with an intentional act (Anne leaving him) which will bring its own pain and heartache.

Id love to see how it would all pan out, an interesting premise you've got here. It craves expansion and further development though if its gonna go anywhere.

Col.


I wrote this in the hope of it getting produced for something like the Filminute competition but I've also thought of expanding it, to show their lives before this incident and Anne's after. Thanks for the read.

best,
H
Posted by: jackx, August 5th, 2009, 3:33am; Reply: 22
i actually thought it was pretty good.  believable characters having a believable relationship.  One thing, how would you show that his vision is blurred by sunspots?  is that a POV?  Otherwise I liked how their actions were being interpreted by each other in the worst possibly light.  Maybe set up and explain the heart attack a little better.  I didn't immediately think of gull poop, but it was still a little vague.
Posted by: harrietb, August 5th, 2009, 2:47pm; Reply: 23
Thanks for the read and taking the time to post a comment, Jackx. I've had a bit of interest in this but decided to let a friend try her hand at directing it and it is due to be filmed on Saturday. She's adding a few shots in other locations and using a younger cast so it will change a lot in the translation from script to screen. I hope for the best. Thanks again.

H
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