Jaded by Steve Meredith (SRUSteve09) - Short, Drama - While closing up shop for the night, Aaron, a local business owner, and Mollie, one of his employees, get into an intriguing discussion about life. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry, but this one didn't really work for me. I just felt like the dialogue was a bit cheesy and unbelievable. When two people are talking they very rarely say the other person's name back to them. I think doing it once is ok so we know the name of the character, but you have Mollie calling Aaron by his name three times in conversation in a few pages. Just the way she spoke didn't strike me as how an 18-year-old girl speaks, but maybe it's different in Delaware...

As for the ending, I hated it. There was just no motivation for it at all other than him being slightly sad/depressed. I mean that's a pretty extreme measure, and just because he manages an ice-cream shop and doesn't have a girlfriend? I didn't buy it at all.

There's also a few typos that stood out, a few times you have your instead of you're and their instead of they're... could do with a re-write I think.

Cheers,
Tim.

Your opening paragraph is over written. For example, telling us that Mollie is in a shop is unnecessary because the slug line already sets the location. In this same sentence, you use the word "door" twice, "...walks over to the front door of the shop and locks the door". This could be, "...walks to the front door, locks it".

You want to use as few words as possible while at the same time keeping the reader interested. As it is, it feels like you're describing every little step Mollie makes, telling us things that the story itself tells us, which makes for a tedious read... like, "It's near closing time as Mollie..." Soon we'll kno that not only is it near closing time, it is in fact closing time. We know this cuz Mollie Flips the open sign.

....then you tell us who Mollie is talking to after you've just introduced them. They're straggling customers.

At this point, I imagine most professional readers would set this aside. I will tho keep reading because most of us here aren't professional readers or writers. I'm not.

Way to many things written in whilies...how is that spelled? I'm not sure. But things like "(picking up the ladder, walking to the back of the store)" should be put in an action line.

I'm not sure what this means.... "It's nice being taken around the time of Prom. You don't have to worry about things being awkward. You can just enjoy being with the one you love".

I feel sorry for AAron. That's good. And I'm glad Arron said, "it's not about girls". Don't wanna  hafta punch you!

I like this line a lot...

"Don't get me wrong, the beach is a nice place, but it gets old after awhile. That's why people only come here to visit for a week".

I like this too.

"Aaron lets this idea trail off. Mollie completes the thought".

I just finished the story. I think you need to bring it all together in a different way, a way that doesn't leave the reader thinking, bleh, who cares? Really, why should I care that AAron killed himself? Somehow you have to make Mollie more important to him. I sensed that Mollie was falling for him. That's good. But I didn't sense that he was at the end of his rope, that he, unless Mollie chose not to leave, that he might do somthing drastic...and I wish I did.  

I like the subject and think teh story could work, but not as it is. I don't want to sound discouraging, because these are the kind of stories I like. I hope you give it a rewrite. If you do, I'll read it.

Thanks      

Hi Steve,


I also hope you rewrite this as I liked the small seaside town setting and the idea of a late night conversation on life. and got interested in ther coneration while reading. There is a budding relationship between Aaron and Mollie that one feels could blossom into a romance.  I would have liked to see more expansion on this, with perhaps Aaron being more inquisitive about Ben, comparing himself, maybe seeing qualities in Ben that attract Mlollie which he lacks, or perhaps Mollie might see attributes in Aaron that Ben doesn't possess. It would have good to have learnt more about Ben I thought Aaron should be a little older than 26 considering he had worked there for 10 years already - not sure. He certainly sounds older.
As mentioned, the action could be parred down, with the use of more active verbs.  The ending was a downer and kind of predictable yet with Aaron running a successful store and contemplating opening a chain, it didn't feel realistic.

Hi Steve,

Just read this. You probably didn't get many reads because your logline says the script is about a conversation. That's code for talking heads. But here we go...

The very first sentence, you didn't need to editorialize for us by telling us "It is near closing time" Molly, through her actions would've told us that. It is also a good idea to use action verbs instead of passive (is, to be) ones.   Say "Aaron stands on a ladder" instead of "Aaron is standing on a ladder". The impact is different.

Don't bother with the chit-chat or have the characters say what both should be equally aware of. Example

AARON:
(coming down from the
ladder)
There are always a few stragglers.
Especially now that the weather's
getting nicer.

MOLLIE:
Well from what I see, it looks like
it's going to rain in a little bit.

are typical examples of what recurrs throughout the script.

Storywise, I thought the reason given behind the suicide was trite. I wondered why Mollie behaved so overly concerned. I thought her behaviour was odd.
Give Aaron a stronger reason to commit the act, otherwide he's no more than a drama queen.

You gave the story a fairly unique setting, but neither of the characters stood out for me.  You had some good bits of dialogue, but it did begin to drag after a few pages.  It just didn't make sense why this fairly young guy with a college degree, his own business and plans of expansion would kill himself.  So the ending was neither logical, nor was it a twist, because we all saw it coming a mile away.