Bar Mitzvah Jitters by Luke Goodwin (luke_mushu_2010) - Short, Animated, Comedy - This is about a young Jewish boy named Beegle-B.  During the night before his Bar Mitzvah, a very strange but familiar person breaks in through his window and takes him  far away to a "factory" where "his help is highly needed." 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

**SPOILERS**

I think this script was a little funny, but it is kind of a bad time to have it posted up. Also, the end is really offensive to those who are huge fans of Michael Jackson.  Actually, now that I think of it, your whole script is pretty much making fun of Michael Jackson. When Jackson gets his throat slit, I stopped reading everything after that.

I see that you have the correct format to write a story, but you seem to be trying to do everything you can to make fun of Michael Jackson. If you plan on writing another story, try to not had recently deceased people in it. There is nothing you can do to make this script any better because the story line is just plain offensive.

Sorry, but I really didn't like this script.  I actually had to stop reading it.  There was no real cohesive story:  just a bunch of jokes played purely for shock value.

It kind of reminded me of a really disjointed episode of "Family Guy" in that it was basically a bunch of pop culture references skewed to be as offensive as possible.

I also agree with the above poster that it was in poor taste to release this now.

I definitely wasn't offended (because not much offends me), but I can still realize when something is in poor taste.  And not funny.

Luke,
You must have wrote this before MJ's death last week. As to the offensive nature of the script, it was no big deal. You do need to reduce the amount of intro-lines. some were way to long. Try and keep em to two or three.

You used a lot of  passive verbage such as IS RUNNING. I do that a lot myself. Easy enough to fix. Instead use worde like RUNS.

I thought the cookie monster was funny. You write good slang.

Over all-Humor is tough to write and timing is everything. Some hits and some misses. Seemed rushed.

Was this your first script?

LED.....><

The work with the Sesame Street characters was interesting and cute if you changed the "subject" of the work I think. The dialogue was good. I thought the slang was fun. The story itself didn't do it for me.

I had the feeling that this was an inspired kind of work: one where you had this brainwave, set to work pounding it out and presto! But you didn't proofread much I don't think.

Technically, you need to work on your writing. Long blocks that don't need to be so long.

Like this:

M.J. grabs for Beegle-B, but Beegle-B starts running back
towards the hallway before M.J. could grab him. As Beegle-B
is running, he looks behind him to see M.J. speeding towards
him on his tricycle. Beegle-B finally makes it to the door,
but before he can open it, M.J. collides with him on his
tricycle. M.J. makes his way on top of Beegle-B and begins
to choke him. As he is choking him, Beegle-B reaches in his
pocket and pulls out his plastic butter-knife from his
orange earlier. He then slices it through M.J.’s throat and
blood begins pouring all over Beegle-B and down M.J.’s
neck. Beegle-B begins screaming and closes his eyes, in
which doing so makes the screen go black.

Pay attention to the order in which you word things. Like here:

>is an orange and a plastic butter knife

Change the wording. I thought you meant a butter knife that was orange and plastic. LOL

I notice there's some definite flair in your writing, but you need to think about your audience. Try and catch typos like:

>four head

I know it can be easy to do something like this. But lots of those kind of errors look bad and careless.

Sandra

Uumm...Interesting script?
Bottom of page 1 busts doesn’t need apostrophe
You never introduce MJ as the man dressed like peter pan
How do we know it’s a cookie factory when you first introduce it?
I feel pretty stupid correcting this, but I’m pretty sure holla is with an O since it comes from holler.
Does throwing a lot of ‘esses’ in someones dialogue make them Mexican?
I think your understanding of chemicals is pretty off if you think shooting a leaky battery is going to melt someones face off.  Then bleach to fix it??
P9 four head should be forehead
Did Michael Jackson actually prefer Jewish boys?  More to the point, is there an actual joke somewhere in this script, or is it just a mesh of random crap that other people have made jokes about in the past?  
Regardless of whether its in poor taste I don't see much here that would be funny regardless of when it was put out.

Hi there, this script is not good by any means, but I enjoyed it because it has a straightforward story plus some random jokes.

Story
This story is inspired by Peter Pan and it is a good thing. I can quickly identify the inciting incident of going to the Cookie Factory, progressive complications, and finally the climatic battle with MJ. It is also easy to visualize the cookie factory, the Cookie Monster and MJ in my mind. One thing I have question is: Who is your target audience? This has everything of a kid's movie but you are talking about drugs and throat-cutting here. The cookie dough is subtle so kids might not pick them up, but the violence is not suitable. Although the interaction with the Cookie Monster is fun, the cookie dough does not play a role in the story. Maybe sell Beegle-B something useful so he can use it against MJ. Lastly, what makes Beegle-B to face off MJ? If I were Beegle-B, I would have just run away instead.

Characters
This is the fun part. I don't understand why characters in the Cookie Factory talk like that but they were hilarious. They have their distinct voice and personalities so I am happy with that. However, I am not sure if you like or hate MJ, but that's kinda disrespectful.

Dialogue
I don't know what to comment here. They are funny, but not suitable in this fairy tale. I definitely was surprised to hear them speak like that, however, after a while I start to question why the stereotype of these characters.

Writing
"The scene fades from him eating to him sleeping in his dark room...". Instead of writing this in one paragraph, use FADE TO.
"Beegle-B begins screaming and closes his eyes, in which doing so makes the screen go black." Here, use CUT TO BLACK.
Fix those typos. Try to split one huge block of actions into several paragraphs. This can also tell us that a different "shot" is here.

Being Jewish, myself... I thought I'd check this out for a laugh. And when I say laugh, I mean in the most absurd way possible... Why? Cos' anytime someone tries to poke fun at Jews they fail miserably, 7 x's out of 10, because they're not versed in the Jewish community enough to understand the religion or the belief system...

This poorly written script echo's that sentiment loud and clear.

I can see where the writer drew his inspiration and that's clearly from too many unfunny episodes of "Family Guy" and copious hours of Adult Swim. The writer isn't talented enough to be his own voice so he leans on the voice of others to try to pull a laugh out of his ass.

This script is tacky... Not funny... Not entertaining and above all else... Not even shocking or distasteful. You failed at every attempt you were going for. How does that make you feel?  Next time, try not to be so in your face and try to piece together something worth someone's time. Learn formating and the rules that go into a screenplay also. 8 and 9 lines in an action slug usually get your script a trip to the trash bin...

Wanna read it, itching to read it actually. But, not gonna until you post a response.??

Quoted from jwent6688 Wanna read it, itching to read it actually. But, not gonna until you post a response.??

Don't hold your breath. After reading Balt's review he probably killed himself.

No, I did not kill myself.  There will always be some people, like Balt, that doesn't approve of my writings.  To everyone else, I'm sorry I haven't responded to your posts, I didn't even know that this had gotten put online until today, so I'm just now reading your reviews.

First:  I did write this before the death of Michael Jackson and even submitted it before the death of Michael Jackson.  Coincidently, it got put online a short time after his death.

Ledbetter, thank you for your "runs" tip and for the good dialog comment, I truly appreciate it.

Sandra, thank you for your tips and yes you are right, I do need to proofread more.  I notice now that I have a few spelling and grammatical errors.

Jackx, "Does throwing a lot of ‘esses’ in someones dialogue make them Mexican?"--Yes.
"...Then bleach to fix it??" - That is a joke referring to the rumor that Michael Jackson became white by bleaching himself.

Coding, thank you for your tips and review.

Baltis, your review seems to be funnier than my script.

Jwent, here is my response.

Chris Reid, I'm still kicking, man.