Last Light by Harriet B - Short - in the moments ollowing a car crash Lauren remembers pieces of her life. - fdr, format 8)

Last Light by Harriet B - Short - in the moments ollowing a car crash Lauren remembers pieces of her life. - pdf, format 8)

I've got Final Draft so I thought I'd have a look at this.

You don't need the title on your first page.

The intro's a bit strange. No headline slug to start with. I realise you're trying to potray wedding images but it needs a bit of work. Maybe start with a scene of the actual wedding at the church then jump to the film bit.
I don't think you meant 'video tape', maybe 'film reel' as the projector reel ends soon after.

I assumed this was just a typo on page 5 "A light from s torch".

I dunno, maybe it work well on the screen. I found it a difficult read. It read more like a shooting script.

There's some good imagery here. I can see what you're going for with the transitions. I just found myself getting lost with all the VOs and all the different camera switches and instructions.

This was a nice read.  It's one of those scripts that young filmmakers would jump on to show their directorial skills.  I did feel some loss for Anna, which says a lot considering how short the script is.

You formatted the dialog a little weird.  I'm guessing that you started a new line whenever a character paused.  You should, instead, use an elipsis... to show a break in the dialog.

Harriet, you should save this as a .pdf file and resubmit it.  Not everyone here has Final Draft and most will be unable to open the file.


Phil

Thank you for reading I realise it is a difficult read as the action is out of sequence, and there are shifts in time to reflect different parts of Lauren's life prior to the accident, but am glad that the images work ,as it is my belief that this needs to be seen on screen to be fully understood.

I hope I can have it put on here in PDF form as I'd love to have more feedback on the script. Thanks again to you both for the comments.

With FD, you can save as a pdf.  Once you do that, just resubmit it, saying it's a resubmission.


Phil

Thanks for your help, Phol/ I've saved it in PDF but there's a message on the site stating that no scripts are being accepted until August 2nd,  so I've sent it to the webmaster via email.

Harriet I'm going to agree with rendevous.

First of, I got an idea of what you was trying to do in the opening scene, but I just feel it needs to be described a little better, as some people might not fully understand what your trying to do here.

Also you might want to say "BACK TO SCENE" at some point cause I'm still unsure whether you was continuing in the Video tape footage or moving on.

As for the overall script I struggled to read it, but there were signs that it was a good story with a sad ending. Maybe it just flew right above my head cause Phil seemed to understand it.

Kaycee

Thanks for your comments, Kaysee. The script is based on a short story I had published a couple of years ago and I wanted to write it in script form as I thought it would be a challenge to adapt. it is useful to see where the problem areas lie. Many thanks,

H

Hey dogglebe
Have saveed and sent by email the PDF version. Unfortunately, looks like no Changes will take place until after August 1st. Thanks to all those  who have already commented and if you can acess Final Draft, feel free :)

There's a viewer for those without Final Draft who fancy reading it.

http://final-draft-viewer.software.informer.com/

You're not alone in the 'queue' Harriet. Patience...

Thanks Don for putting the PDF version up :)

Harriet,

gave this one a read. I thought it was a very visual script. Beautiful even, but it was not an easy read due to all the time changes in such a short script. I had to go back and re-read several things just to make sure I understood it.

The story is sad of course, but nothing particular new about it. If made into a short film, it's the visuals that will make this one stand out.

Small nit pick... gravity bends light...  ;)

Good work.

Pia

Quoted from Grandma Bear Harriet, The story is sad of course, but nothing particular new about it. If made into a short film, it's the visuals that will make this one stand out. Pia

That's what I am hoping for here, something that works mainly through the imagery and could be beautiful.
I've put dialogue that is from her memories when dying that overlaps in places and carries on to different scenes that I would hope make sense when seen through the visual medium of fiim. I know it's a tough read and I need to lay this out on paper much better.
Thanks for the read.
best,

H

I agree with other comments- it is really difficult to read, but I do think that this would work extremely well on screen, and would be certainly less disorientating, it would be a visual treat, methinks.

A sad, touching story.

All the best.

Craig

I know what I want to portray but not exactly sure how to convey that script-wise. That's why I posted this here, for feedback Thanks for the read, Craig.

Whoa!

This is a pretty remarkable piece of writing, Harriet. What you have done is to take a fairly standard idea, and created a visual poem out of it.

It is not perfect - I'd agree a few passages are a bit difficult to read, and there are the odd format errors - but to point out these would be petty, as this are minor issues that should not be allowed to distract from the fact that you have successfully written a truly visual, cinematic, piece here.

This is what true artists should aspire to create. A piece that captures the essence of the ribbon of dreams.

I have never managed this in 21 years of writing scripts.

You have. Congratulations.

Simon, thank you so much for reading and your comments.

I certainly wasn't expecting such high praise. I'm very flattered   :B
It's far from perfect but glad you saw beyond the flaws.

best,

H