Smith and Wesson by Kemuel Butler - Action - Two strong minded female NYPD detectives are paired up by their father figure captain to investigate a rash of mob related murders orchestrated by two twin brother assassins who've been commissioned by a ruthless arms dealer to dispose of anyone who stands in his way. 123 pages - pdf, format 8)

Kemuel

Your logline didn't get my attention, your title did. Before I opened your script, I figured those were the names of your two detectives. That was the only thing I really liked about it.

Anyway, things that I noticed.

To many grammical errors... punctuational.

Scripts are written in present tense not past.

Your use of wrylies... too many.

They're called actresses and actors for a reason... but if you insist on using them (wrylies)... moderation only.

Needless to say, your script is very hard to read and your dialouge; Do people really speak that way?

I could be wrong, but I don't think they do.

I was hoping for something better, sounded promising but I got to page 24 and called it quits.


Good luck too you.

I got to reading and found that you love 9mms...

Do you know whey they make .45s?

Because shooting twice is silly.

Thanks for the feedback, this definately was not the script I intitially wanted to upload, it's my rough draft... the good news though is after extensive re-writing, "Smith and Wesson" is being ready by Benderspink productions, so im keeping my fingers crossed.... but thanks for the feedback... and clorox, what the fuck are you talking about?

Just a bit of large bore handgun humor, if you will, brought on by your script descriptions of handguns. In short, I don't think you need to describe handguns like that. You have an action movie, so a simple automatic pistol would work, but since you did take the time to say 9mm, and S&W Sigma and all, it's important to you and you think it's important to the story. I don't think so. It's distracting. From a distance no one will be able tell what kind of handgun it is, unless it's a revolver, aka Dirty Harry.

I can't imagine Inspector Callahan saying "I know what you're thinkin', did he fire fifteen shots, or only fourteen. Well to tell you the truth in all this excitment I've kind of lost track myself. But bein' this is Smith and Wesson Sigma nine-milimeter semi-automatic handgun, not the most powerful handgun in the world, and a whole clip of of these would whittle away your neck so your head would fall clean off, you got to ask yourself one question..."

What you have is a gimmic title of Smith and Wesson (Tango and Cash) and to spice it up you describe a Smith and Wesson hand gun. Dirty Harry didn't describe his .44 mag as an S&W, but he had one and when it went off it sounded like a cannon. So much so that his lucky punk line went down as one of the best lines in movie history.

When you make descriptions like this, it tells me I'll encounter more detailed descriptions that seem like they mean something but they don't, like a can of beef ravioli. Unless it's tres important (more important than just eating it), don't get specific because (for me) it becomes a disctraction (I spend time thinking about something that doesn't matter).

To summarize, nines go POP, .45's go BOOM. Do you want a POP action movie, or a BOOM action movie?