Emergency Service by Craig Cooper - Short, Comedy - Martina's reaction to news of her husband's death is very surprising. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Craig,
Neat script. Quick read. A few basic formatting issues. These are the very ones that have been told to me because I am a new writer here as well.

First, you don't need (CONTINUED) continued: on a spec script.

Make sure you describe you charectors as well. We don't know anything about Martina.

Less use of parantheticals as well. Maby one or two per script.

We see, or We hear as though we are following the scene should not be used either.
example- We follow as she gets up from the chair.

Instaed- Try Martina gets up from the chair. We still see it.

Basic stuff like that. If this is your first try, GOOD JOB. And keep writing. You seem to have a flair for it.

Shawn.....><

Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.

Quoted from cloroxmartini Seems like you could expand the "love" scene and have yourself a full fledged porno, actors and all.

LMAO!


Thought I'd give this a read, just taking notes as I go along.

We don't need to read 'We See' due it being a normal script unless its a shooting script and you're the director, usually it's a big NO - NO due to it looking amateurish and maybe pissing the potential Director off who may want a different shot.

Instead of CONTINUED, Try FRONT DOOR maybe? since we know we're inside.

Put the Continued next to MARTINA's name like this (CONT'D) instead of underneath, thats the way I think it's usually formatted (I use Final Draft which does it automatically).

I dont think the parenthetical is needed with 'sounding worried' since I get the impression straight away off the dialogue.

When they enter the living room, you could have a slug LIVING ROOM, Just to make it flow nice, and show us where we are now.

The Policeman asking 'have you been drinking' I'm sure he would notice after she downed a big glass of wine.

Again, BEDROOM in the slugline would fit nicely when they go upstairs.

Haha, the twist at the end was good, I almost was expecting her to have killed the Policeman and be a murderer. I guess that's my brain for ya LOL good short, definitly could of been a Porno IF it was more graphic! haha

Easy and very fast read. Good Job!

Spoilers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












Craig

I really enjoyed this, man. Totally had me going, fantastic twist. Obviously Maria's immediate reaction to the news of her husband's death was a little suspect to say the least as was her subsequent designs on making with the cop, but even so I never saw the end coming, brilliant.

I see its based on "Brass Eye" which I've heard a lot of positve things about but haven't actually seen any of it yet. I'm curious to know how much of this is from the show and how much is from your own mind? Either way, this was an excellent little short, I must say.

Some of your formatting mistakes are pointed out above and you'd do well to take heed of them. Thankfully they're all easily fixed and will become second nature over time. Other than those small technical issues, I thought this was well written, if you are a first time writer, you can take a lot from this. It was paced, structured and unveiled perfectly for the reader.

Top job.

Col.

Craig,

Interesting little story here.

It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!

Personally, I saw the 'twist' coming a mile off. The reason being that you made it fairly obvious with this:

Quoted Text To be perfectly frank, Marie, our sex life has gone off the scale since OLLIE started that new job,

The operative word being 'job'. However, that did not dilute the enjoyment of the piece (bad choice of word, eh) for me. If you are looking to pull a sleight of hand over the reader, then I think you need to veer off the frustrated housewife path 'cos with her discussions, there is only one natural ending. Doing that isn't necessary, IMO.

This is a great and enjoyable little short as it stands.

Nice one.

Andrew

Hey I thought the tradesmen rolls up at the house and gets molestered by the horny housewife. Wow porn has gotten very sophisticated in this day and age.

This was well written and a fun read

There's an error on the first page "Martina is sat in the armchair."

Also there needs to be some descriptions of Martina in here,

Someone has stated not to use (Cont'd) od CONTINUED in a spec script, you shouldn't unless the program you are using automatically does this for you and you have no way of disbeling it. Same for the "beats" They are too passive and colourless. Spice up the drama by replacing "BEAT" with a wryly. For example

POLICEMAN
Can I come inside for a moment Mrs. Turner
(softly)
It's your husband.

I like how this story turned out in the end. Even though I had an idea it will end the way it did when Martina started warming up to the officer, I enjoyed it.

"Martha is sat in the armchair" is not a phrase I use myself but have read several scripts from people based in the north of England and so it didn't seem odd. However,  I would write Martha is sitting in the armchair.

I liked the script but also guessed the twist because of the conversation the wife had with Martina. It was still very good though.
My only suggestion is that the police officer be more aloof and stern. For example, I don;t think that a policeman would immediately sit down beside her, and some of the dialogue could be tweaked, Good job on the script and nice read, Craig.

Hi Craig,

I liked this one, a simple plot with a nice twist at the end. While I saw the twist coming I wasn't predicting the police officer to be her husband.

However I think you need to tell us more about Martina. All you've told us is that she's married, that wasn't enough description even for a short.

Besides that nce work.

Kaycee.

Cool,

I haven't read the other threads, so I'll keep it short and I'm sorry if I repeat.

I liked the story and I really liked the reveal at the end.  The dialogue was smooth and the descriptions were fine for me.

Though it would have been better if you actually  described how Martina looked like. And the policeman, as I had make up really how Martina looked like.

Other than good job, it was well worth the read.

Good Job.

MG

Where is the elusive Craig?

Anyway, nice idea which was enjoyable throughout.  

Everyone above has given you some good pointers.  I would add for the last scene, Marie should have an (O.S.) each time she speaks next to her name, and not simply 'on telephone' for the first line of dialogue.

I liked that feeling where the husband has just died and the wife started to get it on with the policeman.  That's just wrong.  I wouldn't have the policeman take her hand either as the policeman shouldn't get so close.

Overall, an enjoyable read.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from Andrew Craig, Interesting little story here. It made me smile, and was a tale for 'Jeremy Kyle' watchers the United Kingdom over!

Good old, Jeremy lol

Pia, you should read this.  It's right up your alley.

This was a cute read.  It's not a profound script, but it was good.  The ending was a pleasant surprise; I was thinking something else entirely.

The amount of woo-woo-wah-wah was fine for the peace,

Enjoyable.



Phil

Craig, this was nicely written. I like how the police kept things ambiguous. I have a question though; why do you use the word "beats" in parentheticals?

Wow, thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions, I really appreciate it.

As regards to the formatting issues, I'm still getting my head round Celtx, I'm sure there must be an option to remove (continued) from the start of each new page, it only does this when converted to PDF files.

'Sat in the armchair' - thats my Derbyshire upbringing rearing its head LOL.

I'll take all your constructive critisism and have a tinker around with it when I get chance, I'm still new to all this, and all your feedback is really helping.

Ps, my first attempt at a screenplay 'Four' is languishing around with no comments or feedback, and I'd appreciate it if anyone has time to give it a go.

All the best.

Craig

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone As regards to the formatting issues, I'm still getting my head round Celtx, I'm sure there must be an option to remove (continued) from the start of each new page, it only does this when converted to PDF files.

Go to Format Options, next to Save PDF.  Then 'Mores & Continues' tab.

Quoted from craig cooper-flintstone Ps, my first attempt at a screenplay 'Four' is languishing around with no comments or feedback, and I'd appreciate it if anyone has time to give it a go.

If you'd like constructive criticism on your 'Four' script, you should give a read to the writers who reviewed your script.  Like for like.  That's how we help each other out.

Cheers Mate!

Hey Craig

You've had a few reads and they've pointed out all the mistakes I think so I won't bother.

I will however say that this was great, I thoughally enjoyed it.  I wasn't sure where this was going but the ending crowned it off for me.  It really was a surprise to me, I thought it was gonna be a strange comedy but it of course turned out to be a more innocent romantic comedy.  I don't even like romantic stories but this was excellent, good stuff mate.

Craig

Plus your links to "Four" and "Playing God" on your sig go straight to the script instead of the discussion board. This might put off some people leaving comments. Just copy the discussion board link on to your sig, instead of the actual PDF document itself.

Well done again on this script, nice work.

Thanks to all who have given me help and suggestions, I've had a little fiddle with the script, and have also removed (continued) from the beginning of each new page etc.

I have just tried to upload the edited version, but submissions are not possible until the 1st of August, so I will try again then.

Thanks again

Craig

Craig, if you put in the below codes in your signature, it'll look much better and it'll take any potential readers to the script-thread insted of directly to the script:

Code [url=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1242589229/]Four[/url] [url=http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1247321321/]Emergency Service[/url]

In your signature it will look like this:

Four
Emergency Service

Cheers
Rob

Just done it!

Thank you Rob, that's fantastic.

Craig,

Second script of yours I've read. You've a knack for telling an interesting and catchy story, for that congrats.

I didn't see the twist coming, I should have done but I didn't. Had me laughing. Looking back through the comments I see you're doing a rewrite so just a few points on format that may help.

Use (V.O.) for the other person on the phone.
Try to stay away from the 'we see', 'we follow' type stuff, it annoys some readers and doesn't add.

Add some descriptions for the characters on screen, they would add a lot to your story.

You've a knack for dialogue, it's always enjoyable to read your character's lines.

My only major gripe is the "...a little more information than I needed thanks" - reminded a bit too much of Mia Wallace's line to Vince in Pulp Fiction before he drains off and chats to himself in her bathroom.

Apart from that this a great little script. I'll have a delve into Four in a few days.

Thanks Rendevous, glad you enjoyed them.

As regards to the line from Pulp Fiction, I see what you mean. It wasn't intentional- I used it because that's what her sister had said to her in a previous phone conversation. I'll have a think about another way to end it, along the same lines.

I've added descriptions for Martina and the policeman in the re-write, I don't know how I missed doing that!

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated.

I'm going to have a gander at 'attachment to small objects' this evening, I'll let you know what I think.

All the best,

Craig

Craig,

You're welcome. enjoyed it.

Wait a day of two. I'm rewriting Attachments at the mo. The new draft will be a much improved effort, at least I hope so. I'll post it on my own site until Don gets back in business then link from SS. I'd much prefer to read comments about the new one.

The Pulp line just needs a bit of adjustment. It's a good device and worked well. The wording at present though is just that bit too famous to use.

Ok, no worries, I'll hang fire a bit then.

You'll have to give me the link to your site so I can have a look.

Definitely know what you mean about the pulp line.

Interesting story, that's a kink I havent heard of.   A few typos as I read.
Yes, I'm She, she shouldn't be capitilized.  Neither should husband a few lines later.
Not sure how cops talk over there, but 'whilst' struck me as a bit formal/awkward.
They still say truncheon, as opposed to baton?
I'm not sure 'retaliate' is the verb you're looking for when she tries to kiss him.
I think a few more moments of grief could built up to her getting all randy, just to help suspend a little disbelief.
Other than that, definately a nice job, quick fun read.  I'll see if I can check out four for you.

Thanks Ophelia,

Thanks for the advice, I'm glad you enjoyed it overall.

They're called truncheons still in the UK as far as I am aware!

Thanks again for the feedback


Craig

No problem, seems like my feedback was just a difference of lingo anyways.
One question, if you're using Celtx, how are you converting the files to PDF, etc?   I read the above posts but can't find the Save PDF button.  I'm sure it's pretty simple, but with all my poking around all I can get is HTML or Text documents out of it.
Thanks.

Hi, Ophelia.

Click on the 'Typeset' button on the bottom of the screen, 'Save PDF' will appear on the next screen near the top, once it has formatted.

Hope this helps,


Craig

Thats the button I was looking for!  Thanks so much.
PS I checked out four, and quite enjoyed it.

No worries Ophelia,

Glad I could help. I'm happy you checked out four and enjoyed it. I know there are still plenty of tweaks to do, but I'm still quite pleased with it, being my first attempt.

I've got a new short that I'm working on at the moment. PM message me if you're interested in giving it a read, and I'll give you a link.

Craig

Hi,

Thought you'd like to know that the re-edited version is now here - nothing major, just character descriptions, typos tidied, and fews changes to dialogue etc.

Craig

Craig,

haven't read the previews reviews, so forgive me for the repeats.

Nice and funny twist.  Some minor issues about the formatting.

I would write:

MARTINA
(on the phone)
blabla

MARIE
(in the phone)
blablabla…

No (cont) in the dialogs, especially when the the action line in between can be in parenthesis.

Don’t capitalize names in dialogs.

The major problem I had was the picture frame on the bedside table. You don’t need it. Regarding the twist, Martina doesn’t need to put it down.

Good read.

Michel 8)

Hi Michel,

In the original draft had the characters name with (on the phone), and most of the feedback seemed to say that this was wrong, and it needed to be changed to (V.O.), so I am unsure which is correct?

Glad you find it funny though, Michel!

All the best

Craig

Didn't enjoy this as much as your other shorts I'm afraid.

The idea wasn't particularly new - it was fairly obvious what the "twist" would be. It seemed overly familiar and nothing about it struck me as different.

Maybe you should have subverted the whole thing - and have the Policeman NOT being the husband, and the wife a cold bitch who didn't care her hubby was dead!!!

Sorry.

No need to apologise, ya can't win 'em all!

You say it's obvious what the twist was, but looking back on the feedback, you're the only one that guessed!

No worries, and thanks for reading it anyway, buddy


Craig

hey craig,

even though i guessed the ending before getting there, this is one of my favorite scripts ive read on the site so far. its clever, well written, and very witty. in addition, the dialogue is very natural and flows nicely.

i look forward to reading more of your stuff. kudos to you sir!

Hi 'albinopenguin',

That's a great start to my day- hearing this is one of your favourites on the whole site, thank you so much.

Really glad you enjoyed it, and you found the dialogue to be natural.

Thanks again

All the best

Craig

Hi Craig. just realised I read this the other day but didn't post a comment.

Um, yeah, this was neat. The whole concept came out of the blue and gave it a good twist. your style and format are done well.
I thought the wife was gonna be ringing up the cop shop and reporting the fake death of her husband, then she would screw the cop when he came to tell me. But you took it further so nice job.

Cheers Stevie,


Glad you like it, and that you like my style.

I'll check another one of yours out soon.

Thanks for the read


Craig

I'm a little late to the party but wanted to read something of your's quick after you read one of mine (thanks again!)

I really dug the script. GREAT twist! Should have seen it coming but didn't. Great use of dialogue setting things up so you could come back to it later. I thought the woman's behavior was a little off for just losing her husband but my horror-tinged mind thought she might be a black widow type luring him in for a kill. I knew SOMETHING was up but didn't see the obvious, which is the mark of a great twist.

I thought the script was real solid and make a great short film. I didn't see the original but you obviously tightened it up with the feedback already received. My only suggestion would be to ease the transition from grieving widow to sex kitten. It's seemed a little abrupt on her end- then again when you understand the twist at the end if fits with the whole role-playing/porno angle ;-) But the cop's transition seemed much smoother. So I would maybe make the woman's transition smoother or make the cop's a little more abrupt so they are on the same page. But that's nitpicking. It really is solid as is. Great job! I will take a look at your other scripts as well when I have the time!

Steve

Hi Steve,

It's always good when someone comments on some of your older stuff, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I know what you mean about the transition from grieving widow to vamp. I think that's the point though- you know what she's doing is wrong and pretty well messed up, and when the twist is revealed it all sort of makes sense.

I could have expanded the 'grief process' of Martina, but my aim was to do a really quick read. I think if it was any longer, it would feel a little stilted.

Anyway, thanks for the read and comments- highly appreciated. Cool that you're gonna look through my other stuff too.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

First -- the nit-picky stuff:

Using CONT’D when action breaks up dialogue has fallen out of favor with a large number of writers.  I don’t use it either, but if you want a definitive answer I would check the forums on that one.


POLICEMAN
Whether I find you attractive is unimportant as this point...

I think you meant to say ‘at this point’.


‘He retaliates at first, then relaxes...’

This is just me but... retaliate sounds -- violent, or like a reaction to violence.  I would use resists, unless the afore mentioned is what you’re going for...then keep it.


I think you meant to say ‘...rips off his clothes...’ not ‘...rips of his clothes...’


Not sure you should use CLOSE UP.  Again check the forums on that.  There are those that are much more versed on if and when these things should be used.  Personally -- I think it worked


So...pretty minor stuff.  Overall.  You’re writing is solid.  Very clean, very concise... nicely done.  The story wasn’t ground-breaking, but it was fun.  I enjoyed it.  Smiled at the end and thought to myself ‘Ollie, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch’.

Morning Brian,

Quoted from CrazyArtist POLICEMAN Whether I find you attractive is unimportant as this point... I think you meant to say �at this point�.

Your right there, I missed that one- cheers for pointing it out.

Quoted from CrazyArtist �He retaliates at first, then relaxes...� This is just me but... retaliate sounds -- violent, or like a reaction to violence.  I would use resists, unless the afore mentioned is what you�re going for...then keep it.

No, that wasn't what I was going for. I see what you mean though. I'll have a rethink about that line.

Quoted from CrazyArtist I think you meant to say �...rips off his clothes...� not �...rips of his clothes...�

Again, thanks for pointing this out!

Quoted from CrazyArtist So...pretty minor stuff.  Overall.  You�re writing is solid.  Very clean, very concise... nicely done.  The story wasn�t ground-breaking, but it was fun.  I enjoyed it.  Smiled at the end and thought to myself �Ollie, you are one lucky son-of-a-bitch�.

Cheers Brian, that's good to know. I like to try and have a bit of a twist at the end if I can. Glad you thought it worked... I've actually had a little tinker with this one, and have a version which is now 13 pages. I'll probably submit it soon.

Thanks for the read, I'll make a start on 'Justus' later today.

All the best

Craig

Craig,

I for one did not see the twist, though I knew there had to be one - good job from that standpoint!

I see where you say you have a version that's a bit longer - I wonder if it would work if Martina is having tea with Marie when Ollie comes to the door?  Then her reaction to Martina's reaction could be comedy fodder. Otherwise you have two characters who are in on the joke when the audience is not, so their dialogue, which would otherwise be natural, has to couch the mystery.

Just a thought - I enjoyed it nonetheless!

AJR

Hi AJR,

That's an interesting thought, I'd not considered that.

The longer version came about after I was contacted by a film student who needed a short, easy to film script which lasted around fifteen minutes. I added a bit more dialogue between Martina and the Policeman before she swooped for the kill.

I don't think the project is going ahead, though. It happens quite a few times. It's exciting when someone first shows interest in your work, but let-downs are extremely common!

I might post the longer version up here in the not too distant future.

Thanks for the read and your thoughts,

Craig

Hi all,


The revised draft is now up. It's a couple of pages longer, and with some of the previous comments taken into account.

Cheers,


Craig

Hey Craig

You have a typo on page 4, the policeman says 'I'm hate to have to tell you this'.  Should be 'I hate to have to tell you this'.

Obviously I knew what happen in the end, having read the first draft but I still like this story of misdirection.  The conversations between Martina and Marie, and Martina and the Policeman are all believable throughout.

Not much else to say other than I still really like the simple idea and it worked well.

Nice work Craig

Morning Alffy,

Cheers for the typo, they're easily missed! It was changed from I'm sorry to have to tell you this.


Good that you found the dialogue believable, nice one.

All the best,

Craig

I didn't have any idea what was going to happen at the end...

I guess my main feeling about this is that it's an extended joke.  While the joke itself is enjoyable, the execution of the story as a whole didn't really work for me.  I felt like things floundered a bit structurally because we're constantly off-balance and not really sure what either of these characters want.  We get the feeling that one or both of them know more about the situation than they're letting us in on, but it's too difficult to try to puzzle it out from their odd behaviour.  

Personally I would have liked to see stronger conflict in here.  The conflict is nice and apparent...she wants him to stay and his character wants to leave.  I just thought this needed to be pushed more...that he would try harder (and more physically) to leave, and force her to try harder (and more physically) to get him to stay.  For this to work I think we need to be duped a little more, to really buy into the idea that this situation is exactly what it appears to be.  That way, her behaviour will come off as more shocking, and, I think, funnier.  The sort of strange, slightly 'off' seduction scene that we have now is not entirely un-enjoyable but is in my opinion much less than this story could be.

I'm not going to complain about a lack of thematic content but I will say that the premise has room for stronger thematic subtext than I see, currently.

Um I didn't mind the dialogue between Martina and Ollie but I found Martina and Marie's conversation really annoying and unnatural and frustrating.    

I didn't think this was very good in its current form but I did enjoy myself and I think it has the potential to be a very slick, neat story with a good "gotcha".  

I liked this script. It was cute, and I was expecting another twist. I was expecting the twist to be a porno director yelling "Cut!" and everyone bouncing off the stage, showing that the whole thing was a porno set.

But I liked it. I do think that the comments on this thread are worth taking a look at. The conflict in your script is minimal as of now and the stakes are minimal as well. I have to think about it more to give you any more suggestions, but I know if you upped the ante on both of those, this would be an even stronger read.

Great job!

Hi Heretic + Konishdutta,


Thank you both for the read!

All feedback is greatly appreciated and duly noted. Thanks for the suggestions and ideas.


Cheers again,

Craig

I enjoyed the read.
Maybe she should seat on the armchair.
You should not give away the ending so soon.  May be a good idea for her and Martina to be talking about something else, not their sex life.
I would also expand the love scene, not into a porno, as some suggested but, maybe keep it at R.
Loved the ending.

Rico

Hi Rico

Quoted from rico I enjoyed the read.

That's nice to hear, thanks.

Quoted from rico Maybe she should seat on the armchair.

I don't understand what you mean here...

Quoted from rico You should not give away the ending so soon.

I didn't think I had given the ending away. The majority of readers said that the ending took them by surprise.

Quoted from rico I would also expand the love scene, not into a porno, as some suggested but, maybe keep it at R.

Maybe add a scene involving handcuffs and a truncheon, eh? ;).

Quoted from rico Loved the ending.

Really happy you loved then ending. I thought you said I'd given the ending away. I'm all confused now!

Cheers for the read Rico, glad you liked it.

Craig

Good story.  I liked the twist at the end.  Your style is very lean and I really like that.  Looking forward to reading more of your work.

Craig,

I began reading this and was interested in Martina's character.  She sounded rather playful, but alluring, sultry, and horny.  When the "Policeman" came to the door, I had a feeling as to whom it may be.  I let the scenario play out for a while, and realized what I was reading.  I won't ruin it for anyone else, but this is an interesting read.  I agree with one of the other comments posted, this could have really gotten spicy with more in depth details of their actions in the bedroom.  This could have been a very intense porn script.  But, you elected to keep it clean, and let the imagination of the reader see the pictures in their own mind as they read your script.  Trust me, this one could have gone in so many directions.  

I enjoyed the script.  Interesting that I had a feeling the entire time reading this that I knew who the "policeman" was.