The Big Picture by Ryan Cody - Short, Drama - His father's words and an inability to talk to girls lead to a teen's suicide attempt. 9 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Oh gawd, not another teen suicide! Shoot me already!

****caveat emptor*****



But you didn't; good for you. Really, I mean that.

Lots of little things can make this read better, but the visuals I got, and the story, I liked it...mostly 'cause it had a happy ending. If you'da killed him, I'da ripped this to shreads.

Ryan,

This is a nice little script. You did a good job in keeping a level of suspense, and the final message is something we can all feel comfortable with.

The main problem was that we only see brief glimpses of why he is even considering the action of suicide. That's understandable with the length of the script, but it did detract a little. Perhaps shifting some of the focus from his friends to the family would give this more depth. The "reason to live" being his sister was touching, and a bit more exposition on that idea would be good.

The writing was crisp and gave the script an easy-to-read quality.

Andrew

I gotta agree with cloroxmartini, I see another teen suicide story and immediately get bored.  I read it because the other comments were pretty positive so I figured I'd try it.

I agree the writing was good, you did a fine job implying the shots and views wed see without slipping into the 'we see' crap.  I guess I did like the imaginary girl.  I didn't really get that the soda bottles had alcohol until you told me he was drunk.

I guess the biggest problem is its just been done before, and theres no real way to convey believable teen angst on the screen that quickly.

not quite sure on how i feel about this:

on one hand, you've captured the dark ambience of the script very well.  on the other, his reasons for wanting to commit suicide seemed kinda...petty?  esp. with a girl he never spoke to.  how would that drive one guy to suicide, there's no real connection -- maybe in his mind.  

i think maybe you could incorporate something where he has to take antidepressants?  just an idea.  i think that if he took meds for his depression, it would let the reader know that he has a legitimate disease and that it's not just teenage angst.  

Ryan...

I read the previous comments... unfortunately, I'll have to disagree with most of them.

A short script more then 3 pages... good on you.  

However, your writing...

Page#3... We see MELISSA.  How about MELISSA, a girl around Eric's age, sits at a table reading.

Page#8... We hear a phone vibrating.  How about... A phone VIBRATES.

The phone conversation with Eric and Ryan.  (THROUGH THE PHONE).  What is that?  If your going to set up your phone conversations without INTERCUTS... then I suggest you try (V.O.).  It looks more professional but more importantly... it's the correct way to do it.

Page#9... Eric sits down across from Melissa they talk and smile.  Something is wrong with this sentence.  

POV... alot of writers do it.  If you wanna be a good writer, then you need to be more creative.  I never use them.

So needless to say, I'd also get rid of the NORMAL VIEW:

Yea, I know alot of writers also use (a beat) or (long beat).  I wont tell you my personal view on the matter but I will say their is a much better way of doing things like this.

Unless you plan on producing this yourself... leave the camera directions to "Hollywood."  Why? Because we as writers should mainly be concerned with telling a good story.  PERIOD.

Anyway,

Good luck

Ghostwriter 22

i agree with ghostwriter on the camera angles.  you should only use them sparingly, if any at all.  getting too technical detracts from the script.

Ryan, I'll have to agree with the rest of the replies, the whole teenage suicide thing of course has been way overdone. Having said that, your script had a nice twist  to it. Your main character lived to tell about the whole thing, which was great in my opinion.  I thought yout writing was very good with a few of the things mentioned not withstanding.  I also agree with the comments about not using the camera angles.  In everything I have read this is not not recommended.  Overall, I enjoyed your script, the dialogue I thought was very good as well.  Marvin

My scripts WIP:

Naked and Arrested

Delayed Justice