Unlucky Charms by Michael Joseph Kospiah - Short, Dark Comedy - Fred, high on acid, claims a leprechaun is out to kill him after stealing his gold.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hmm...this is a hard one to critique.  Mainly, I don't want to over-analyze it because it's a silly script, and I'll probably look stupid trying to rationalize this all.  BUT, I can't help but feel a little empty at the end.  I think the premise is funny enough, but your final page or so doesn't really make a whole lot of sense if you think about it....which maybe you're not supposed to.  AHH!!  How do I critique a script that doesn't really take itself seriously?  

Aside from my overall empty feeling, your dialogue is fine, but your descriptions need some work.  A lot of them are kind of clunky run-on sentences.

So yeah...I'll wait to see what others way about this one, but for me, the ending didn't work, and for a script this short, that's pretty important.

Michael

Super: The following film is "loosely" based on actual events.

A funny touch to include something like that at the begining or end, like what the Coen's did with "Fargo"

Yep, this one is definitely not to taken seriously and I defy anyone not to laugh while reading it. An absurd situation that built and built to the mexican stand off climax, I mean what more could you want from such a story.

The dialogue was on the money, in fact the writing in general was top notch and as Dressel said there is no point in rationalizing or picking holes (would mid 20 "potheads" possess guns?) in the actual story as thats not the point. This was meant to be a fun, suspension of belief piece that succeeded, mainly due to the strength of the writing and the lively, witty exchanges between the characters.

Good job

Col.

Michael,

A very amusing script here. This was an entertainer - plain and simple.

It also took me back to an event years ago, where a bunch of just post-pubescent lads took a trip to Poole, and drank all day, before heading in various directions - of course, I  ended up in the strip joint group. Anyway, Lewis, one of the troupe who went God knows where, was found with no shoes, and having lost the YSL shirts - yes, these were the height of fashion for my friends - that had been taken off in favour of some 'Hawaiian' shirts. He claimed that 'Triads' had chased him all over Bournemouth - yes, those familiar with Dorset will know it's 4 miles away (which we had walked in a misguided pub crawl) - and he had to "bury" the shoes and shirts to evade capture. So, aside from taking a blatant attempt to reminisce there, I can relate to the wide-eyed shock displayed by Fred. I saw it in Lewis all those years ago.

Where you took the story from there was entertaining, and you kind of went all Tarantino on us, which felt apt.

A cheeky and enjoyable read.

Oh, and I fully agree with Col re: the dialogue. The descriptions also felt spot-on.

Andrew

Thanks guys for reading. I guess it was just one of those sleepless nights where I would just stare at the ceiling and think of the stupidest things a person could come up with. Then, for some odd reason, I thought of leprechauns, thought of the scenario and laughed. I woke up and wrote it, laughed at the absurdity of it all. I guess you can call this short a form of escapism.

Though I had fun writing this, I thought it was the most absurd, stupidest thing I've ever written. But like I said, it was fun.

Quoted Text It also took me back to an event years ago, where a bunch of just post-pubescent lads took a trip to Poole, and drank all day, before heading in various direction - of course, I  ended in the strip joint group. Anyway, Lewis, one of the troupe who went God knows where was found with no shoes, and having lost the YSL shirts - yes, these were the height of fashion by my friends - that had been taken off in favour of some 'Hawaiian' shirts. He claimed that 'Triads' had chased him all over Bournemouth - yes, those familiar with Dorset will know it's 4 miles away (which we had walked in a misguided pub crawl) - and he had to "bury" the shoes and shirts to evade capture. So, aside from taking a blatant attempt to reminisce there, I can relate to the wide-eyed shock displayed by Fred. I saw it in Lewis all those years ago.

Yeah, I had friends like that, too. I guess this was sort of art (if you wanna call this art) imitating life - but exaggerating it to the point of escapism.

Quoted Text I think the premise is funny enough, but your final page or so doesn't really make a whole lot of sense if you think about it....which maybe you're not supposed to.

Don't think about at all. If you do, you'll drive yourself MAD!!! This one's definitely not supposed to make you think. Just for entertainment.

Um... I don't even know what to say. I liked it, most of it anyways. Some of the dialogue didn't really feel right, to me. Most of my friends are Potheads and Acid drops and they all read books and talk like normal intellectuals. It was a good little read, reminded me of the "Fight Club" betrayal, the whole shoot 'em up thing.

P.S- I don't think leprechauns should use guns. Just sayin'.

Quoted Text Some of the dialogue didn't really feel right, to me. Most of my friends are Potheads and Acid drops and they all read books and talk like normal intellectuals.

I have friends like that too, potheads and acid droppers who are very intelligent. But I also have friends who use acid and smoke weed who aren't intelligent too. Just like people who don't use drugs -- some are smart, some ain't.

I didn't think the intellectual drug user would fit in a ridiculous story such as this one.

Quoted Text P.S- I don't think leprechauns should use guns. Just sayin'.

Hehe.

I have to admit I got some good laughs off this one.  Mainly from the image of the leprechaun as you describe him:  big head, big hands, black heart.  To think with all his magic powers this little bastard still packs heat.  Guess he's been living in the States too long.  And then at the end giving the two timing friend his gold payment in slugs...that is ice cold.

As you have already said, this is featherweight entertainment.  But, I've written plenty of those myself.  So, good job on this one.

I didn't think I was going to enjoy this script, but after I started reading it, i found it so absurd, quirky, and goofy that it was impossible not to like. However, I really liked it up until the leprechaun showed up. I dunno what it was, but after he showed up, i felt the script kinda took a nose dive. actually, i think it was the fact that the leprechaun bears arms. in fact, i was hoping that there was some sort of logical explanation for what happened (ie Fred stole a bunch of chocolate gold coins from some 8 year old ginger).

either that or i think it would have been funnier if the leprechaun was some sort of badass who cursed left and right. but thats just me.

oh and i loved the whole "i just wanted to get high and play video games" line. perfect and really funny.

anyways i enjoyed it a lot more than i thought it would. this is a pretty good script especially when considering you wrote it with the intention of writing someone completely crazy and absurd.

I'm glad people are enjoying the script. People who've read my other stuff (a lot of it wasn't posted on this site) know that I don't normally write stuff like this. I'm more at that halfway point between arthouse (see SUICIDE THEORY on the drama board) and mainstream (I've gone more mainstream since I've been writing on spec for a mngment/development company - see MACHINE GUN SYMPHONY on the action board). But I felt so, I dunno, free writing this. I'm extremely busy lately on the writing front, and it can be a bit nerve wracking. But for once, I got a chance to turn my brain off and write on instinct. For those who read this, I suggest you do the same, LOL.

Thanks to those who read, and for those who haven't yet, thanks in advance...

Had a little chuckle but,  the story wrapped around the Pothead situation a little too much. I would have preferred to have a little more action with the Leprechaun.
Considering pot was the main issue, maybe the leprechaun could have joined in on the fun and voluntarily give a bit of gold away.
good read though.

I agree with the others, pretty funny script, hard to critique just because its so goofy.  
You wait til the leprechauns second line to say hes speaking with an irish accent.
I know a lotta stoners and not many of them have guns, but its all good.

Quoted Text You wait til the leprechauns second line to say hes speaking with an irish accent.

Thanks for pointing that out Ophelia.

Quoted Text I know a lotta stoners and not many of them have guns, but its all good.

Pure escapism. A stoner playing video games would be the last person I would expect to have a gun. And a leprechaun would be the last thing I would expect to see walk through the door, lol.

Nothings scarier than a stoner who discovers the joys of firearms!  Well maybe a leprechaun with firearms, but not by much.
Could definately see this being made, and audience being filled with a strong sense of What the Fukk, not neccessarily in a bad way.
The only suggestion I have that hasnt been made already is to think about workin on the logline.  I wouldn't have been interested to read this if it wasn't for the rest of the positive comments you recieved.  Maybe leave it a bit vaguer?  Or if thats not a word, a bit more vague?  
Either way Im happy I read it, got a few good laughs.

Aye. everyone loves a leprechaun story. To be sure, to be sure.

This was awesome. It was like you wrote it just for me cause it has everything I enjoy in one story.

my only complaint is I thought the ending went all Tarintino/Pulp Fiction when the guns where being flashed about and felt like a diffrent tone to the rest of the story. But that last line where the Leprechaun reveals what his bullets are was such a classic, I was willing to over look the tone shift in your story.

Brillant

Good stuff here... The whole scenario really cracked me up. I thought Fred was just freaking out cuz of the acid. After he shot Todd i thought Chad was gonna open the door and a pizza guy was gonna be there... Giving us our subliminal message "say no to drugs".

but the leperchaun was there and packing. Loved the ending. Nice little short. I can't offer you much in the ways of suggestions here... we all seemed to have enjoyed it.

James

Quoted Text This was awesome. It was like you wrote it just for me cause it has everything I enjoy in one story.

That's awesome! Thanks! I was thinking of expanding it into a feature... lol, just kidding. But this was fun to write. I guess I would describe this story as a Teret's outburst. It felt good to get out of my system.

Quoted Text my only complaint is I thought the ending went all Tarintino/Pulp Fiction when the guns where being flashed about and felt like a diffrent tone to the rest of the story.

I felt a change in tone would be really unexpected. It's all part of the absurdity of the story.

Quoted Text But that last line where the Leprechaun reveals what his bullets are was such a classic, I was willing to over look the tone shift in your story.

Thanks!

Quoted Text Brillant

Wow! Although I may disagree with you (the word brilliant is the furthest thing from what I expected to hear about this script... also not exactly what I had in mind when writing it), who am I to dismiss a wonderful compliment? Gracias!

Quoted Text After he shot Todd i thought Chad was gonna open the door and a pizza guy was gonna be there... Giving us our subliminal message "say no to drugs".

I'll save the messages for deeper and more meaningful works. I almost thought about have a pizza guy at the door and ending it there... but I love leprechauns! Especially ones that pack steel!

Hey man, yeah, i got into this.  Quirky, offbeat, one of those ones you wake up with
and have to write down. Only crit was the last part; once Fred shot Todd it became
darker and sort of descecnded into mindless violence. But hey, that's cool.

Absolutely loved Todds' line - 'did you rob a bank or something? Maybe the teller was
a dwarf...'          That made it for me!   Cheers