Gunslinger II by Xavier Gonzalez - Short - The merciless Gunslinger is back, this time having to deal with no good back stabber, like always, it just goes to show, "People don't change, only the times do." 9 pages. - pdf, format 8)

Wow. That was really fast, Don, thanks for posting this up.

Okay, well, this is a sequel, something I've never done before, of my original short Gunslinger: An Old Time Hitman. For those of you who read the first one and liked it, this one might not live up to it, mostly because the first one had action in every sequence, but this one I was trying to make it more like I hint towards where the Gunslinger is really from and how he feels about his job. Well, if you read it I hope you enjoy it, I'll make sure to exchange a read to those who want one.

Thanks,
Xavier

I have to confess that I haven't read An Old Time Hitman - though, based on this one, I intend to seek it out.

With that in mind... I think you should lose the stuff at the beginning. It doesn't really add anything (that I can see) to the story. The pages might be better spent building up the character of the Sheriff. I like the reveal of the Gunslinger's target, but you haven't really given us a reason to care about the guy getting shot.

Other than that... I thought this was a nice little short (if a bit insubstantial). Like I said, it makes me want to seek out the other one in the series, but hopefully there's a bit more meat to it.

Quoted Text I dont really think that I was trying to make people care about the sheriff

I don't think we necessarily need to like him - but you have to give us some reason to care about him being shot. Otherwise, what's the point of reading/watching?

Had a quick glance at the first Gunslinger short - really liked it.

I think what this sequel would benefit from is a more developed storyline - in the first you have a tale of waring bartenders, with the gunslinger caught in the middle. Here, you just have a conversation that ends abruptly in a gunshot.

Wasn't all that hard to figure out the Sheriff was the hit.

There were laws back then, despite what movies tell you. Gunslinger is a hitman, an outlaw, right? You need to have someone on his trail so we know that.

That Shuriff shoulda known that, too.

Yeah, I guess you're right, James. I find it hard to write sequels, mostly because I have no idea what th hell to make the second part about, cos in most of my scripts I usually solve a problem straight forward, so this one didn't really have a plot as the first one did.

cloroxmartini, I wasn't really trying to make it hard to figure out that the Sheriff was the hit. The gunslinger is a hitman, yes, but not really an outlaw, he works for whoever can pay, even those who work for the law, which I pretty much wrote in, seeing as the sheriff hires the Gunslinger for a job before he dies. Like I said the gunslinger isn't really an outlaw, nobody knows he exist expet for those who've seen him and lived to tell the tale.

The sheriff did know that Gunslinger is a hitman, if that's what you were saying. They were just old friends and he didn't really think of the Gunslinger as a back stabber.
Thanks for the read,

Xavier.

I really enjoyed this. still new to the format, so no indepth critique. I'm a bit like one of those sad people who go into an art gallery and say "I know nothing about art, but I know what I like." Well I liked this. Best compliment I can give is that I could see it. By the way, when I saw the gunslinger I saw Lee Van Cleef. I'm sure he had a line or two very much like yours in one of his movies.

Malcolm3, welcome to the site and thanks for the read. Glad you liked it. I always try to make so that you can see it as you read, so I'm glad that's how you read it. You get used to the format, you just need to get the basics down. And as for Lee Van Cleef, i truthfully have no idea who he is, but I'll look him up.

Thanks for the read,

Xavier.

Just stopped by to see how this thread was going...

Quoted Text And as for Lee Van Cleef, i truthfully have no idea who he is

Please tell me you've seen either 'For a Few Dollars More' or 'The Good, The Bad And The Ugly'. No-one should be allowed to write a western without being acquainted with the works of Sergio Leone!  :o ;)

Yeah, I saw that last one on AMC, but I never really took it as far as to actually get into the actors and all, I'm not the biggest western fan, I'm just into the whole spaghetti western type of films. I looked up Lee Van Cleef up, I recognize him but I never knew his name, I'm not a that big of a fan, can't really say I'm a fan at all.

I'd say this is a pretty worthy, if not as exciting successor to the first Gunslinger.  Once again, I think the strength of this script lies in the authenticity of the dialogue spoken among all these no good varmints.  

But the one thing clearly missing was a good ol' gun fight.  This time it was a little too easy for the gunslinger.  Also, I'd like to know how exactly he got out there in the desert with the two guys thinking he's dead.  A flashback may have been a wise option there.  Just something to tell us how those two fools thought they had killed the gunslinger.  BTW, I think it would have also been a good idea to give them names, not just Man 1 & 2.  Question about that scene, when one of the guys walks over to search the gunslinger, the other guy pulls out a knife.  Was he going to stab his friend?  If so, I think it would have been cool if he stabs and kills the guy, thinking that he has all the loot for himself.  Then, behind him, the gunslinger slowly gets to his feet and...well you can picture the rest.

Thanks for the read, cam17. Glad you liked the dialog. You're right it could have used a good old gun fight, it's just I couldn't come up with a way to add one in that wouldn't have messed up what I had already written.

As for the men at the beginning, i wrote that sequence while doing some laundry and I I was actually planing on writing in that man 2 (or which ever one it was) used the knife to kill the other and then the Gunslinger rose and killed him, but I didn't have that much time to write it in like that cos I was in too much of a hurry with trying to get my laundry done and ended up writing it differently, plus I just wanted the Gunslinger to do all of the killing. If i write another draft I'll be sure to write it that way.

again, thanks for the read

Xavier.