You might want to make that logline a little more concise. Something like:
"Welcome to the world of Magic, Inc., where supernatural forces battle it out... in the streets of LA." Maybe. (I'm rubbish at loglines).
I enjoyed reading this - which is always a positive in my book. The structure and pace are very well done, and the core idea certainly has legs.
There are a few problems with it though.
You need to work on your descriptions. Most of it's fine. But you also have a lot of unfilmables.
Such as :
Quoted Text She‟s using her earpiece to converse with her mother HELEN, head of the California Witches Guild. |
and
Quoted Text This is CASSANDRA, a former high school classmate of Micah‟s who is in need of some help--bothimmediate and not so immediate. |
Your action scenes, on the other hand, tend to be underwritten. You need to spell out exactly what's happening in fights.
Some of the dialogue (especially in the opening) feels... overwrought.
In terms of the story itself, you might want to work on explaining how this world actually works. From the opening I got the sense that most of the population were unaware of the magical realm. But then you have Shadow Hounds running around in public and a police force that knows exactly what's going on. Stuff like that could be made clearer.
Other than that, it's just little things: Why exactly wasn't Micah at the opening fight? Kiera's unrequited love felt clichéd. The realisation of what the uncle was up to felt too easy.