OWC - Your Song - * - Print Topic

Great little story. I loved it.

The only part that fazed me is when Jane tells him it’s a dream.

JANE
(smiling)
Yes, Peter. This is only a dream.

Shouldn’t it be an apparition?...considering she appears again at the end!
and, it wouldn't it make more sense since the last action of her first apparition also ends like:

Peter lies back. He smiles back at Jane and closes his
eyes, feeling good.
He is now alone in the bedroom.

Love the lyrics too :)

Although a good little story, there was very little comedy.

well done though!

XXXXXXXXX.

You sly fox. You worked very hard to throw everyone off your scent what with all of the parentheticals and all.

Nice try brother. The other give away was the superb writing. Next time, try and make a mistake or two.

Great script, clean as always. You DA man.

Shawn......><

Ah! So romantic.

I liked the story and it's the first one I've read for this OWC that had true Romance in it.

The end of the story made me smile in a bittersweet way and I did get a chuckle at one point - I'm not sure if that was intentional or not - but I think it lacked a comedic aspect.

But that isn't that important.  You have a touching story here and that's good in itself.

You get
:) :) :) ;) :'(

This was a nice story.  Definitely a romance but I didn't feel any comedy...even a little to make it a dramady.

I really liked it though.  I loved the visual with her spirit coming out of the painting.  You did a great job describing that.

Nice work.  :)

It's generally good, I enjoyed it. It's quite touching at the end.

The monologue on page 1 sounds really awkward. It reads like a poem. Or is it the lyrics of a song? The phone call conversation in the beginning threw me off as well. You have overdone the "beats".

And what's with the car crash scene? Are you implying that Peter is dead as well?

I only feel the story starts when we get to Peter's living room.

There is romance, but where is the comedy? Maybe Zak's dialogue is supposed to be comedic? You also got the song written within the story, so that's good as well.

Good job.

Liked the story overall, thought it's a strong premise. Lyrics make great sense! Flows well too.

A touch melodramatic for me though.

page7 - shouldn't it be "reception room" (as opposed to a "hotel room")?

Nice work, a bit slow for me since I generally like fast paced stories.

definitely pulled on the heartstrings...one suggestion...try to avoid all the subtext in your description...write only what we see/hear...the subtext should come through with your dialog...but a good story...

Really heart-felt - loved it. Felt it where it (sometimes) hurts real bad. And just as I was thinking - romantic drama only, which is okay by me - you nailed it with the final scene with the portrayal of Zak - diamond nose-stud and all.

The only nitpickety thing I suppose would be that I had to go back and find the lyrics again. Mind you, I think that was kinda clever - keeping it short and sweet.

Very well done.

Wow! God! Are you trying to make it hard?!!!

My first thoughts here is that:

I thought all the talent was in the first script I read because it was so bloody good. And you guys are just raising the bar! Again and again!

I have to get some sleep and read this one over, but what gets me about this one is:

The person who wrote it!

Their energy exists inside the words. I don't feel romance comedy, but I don't care.

Again-- I just want to applaud the people that aren't into romance-comedy and submitted anyways. To me, you guys are the winners!

Tomorrow, after a sleep, I'll read this one again and try and give some good input.

I have really positive vibes from this one.
Sandra

For the most part, I did like this story, but I don't see any romantic comedy in it at all.  Actually, I don't see any attempts at humor at all.  You did a good job with the music and incorprating the lyrics.

Writing-wise, I had lots of issues here.  Insane amount of wrylies, most of which are completely unneccessary, IMO.  They really took away from the read for me.  Lots of awkward sentences and words missing a letter, which, again, took away from the read.

Good job with the music part of the challenge and good story.  Needs a couple more edits and some humor, as well as a romantic comedy feel.

Now this is the best so far. Ok there's zero comedy in it but the use of the song is the major inspiration and that was the central core of the challenge.

Formatting and wri.ting was very good. Yep, top effort!

This story is well written, but not my style.

As other's have said, not enough comedy, but it was emotional, so well done.

I like the fact that he didn't tell the journalists that she had returned to him in a dream etc. but left it hanging.

I would like to see a bit more dialogue, slightly too much action.

Overall, it was well written, but I didn't enjoy it as some of the others on here might have, as it's not really a genre I like to read. Well, I'm going to be reading heaps more of this type of genre.... I think what I'm trying to say is I would like some comedy in it.

Well done.

Very nice little piece. It was sad and you captured the drama very well. Maybe too well for the OWC. As others have said, there is no comedy in it. Nor is there any romance, though you can really feel Peter's love.

The lyrics were impressive. I really felt like they captured your theme here.

Some of the lines early on read a little funny to me. i.e.

"to realize the DRIVER of the car behind
him is leaned over his window."

Did you mean leaning out his window??? Yelling at Peter??? Seemed a little hard to understand for me.

Anyways, really nice work, especially considering you thru this together in one week,,, er the last six hours like some of us.

James

That's a beautiful story, but I agree with most reviewers, there's not comdy in it. Anyway, the song is one of the main subject of the story and the lyrics did reflect the main line of the script. That's a good thing.

Like the title, Elton John song that isn't it?

Kneeled? Knelt surely. Or maybe just kneeling. I quibble.

Serious stuff. Can't argue with it but it seems to lack that vital bit of comedy. Apart from that it was good. Very good.

Re

A nice touching story.

Well wriiten for the most part and easy to read. I know it's been said but there was little in the way of comedy. But it did have a strong romantic drama element so that basically meets the criteria as far as I'm concerned.

I wasn't so sure about the scene with all the journalists. I thought it was unlikely that a composer such as this would have a number 1 hit on the Billboard charts for seven weeks. It's unusual for a song to remain at the top of the charts for so long these days and particularly a song such as this.

Otherwise I thought everything flowed pretty smoothly and made sense. Good job.

I think I have a pretty good idea who wrote this but I'll keep it to myself for now.

Cheers,
Tim.

New Beetle... hum, could this be the one by Ringo?

Anyway, I liked the story. The script was well-written, and I liked the lyrics.
But like others have said, there is no comedy.

Good job for the OWC though.

Cindy

YOUR SONG

Pros – Well written except for a few trips over word usage.

Cons – Nothing new.

Comedy – None, unless Zak’s line “…next question please.” counts

Romance – Very moving story about losing your muse who also happens to be your soul mate.

Lyrics – Integrated as the song Peter couldn’t finish until his muse came back to him. Orchestration was a nice touch at the end.

Writer – Topic obviously has resonance. This script may not fit the comedy criteria but the romance made my heart feel good.

Criteria – Missing comedy element.

Gary

Quoted from Sandra Elstree.

OK, I just read this again and it's awesome! This line here:

PETER
Sorry. I’ve got to carry on.

I can completely relate to it and so can many others.

At some point, when does it happen, anyways? We make a conscious
decision to let a memory rest, but even then, it doesn't really.

It may in fact become more real as does Jane, working very
splendidly with her assistance on many levels.

This is not a comedy, obviously, but like I said before, when
you take on the challenge, you do something magnificent
and something comes of it. Maybe not even what you were
expecting.

Really good job.

Sandra

You use your words really well. I can’t offer much criticism because I think this is beautifully written. It just gives a complete vibe of what pure romance is.

I found no comedy whatsoever but I think its great you came up with a story like this from the challenge!

Really well done! My hats off to you.

Can't say I liked this one as much as some of the others.  To me, it just seemed a bit too precious and obvious.  The wife coming down from the sparkling life sized photo in the bedroom and all.  For what it was, you did a good job with the story.  But, I just didn't think there was all that much there.  There were a few problems with tense:

PETER (30), dark hair and badly shaven, is kneeled in front
of a white marble tombstone

Would have read better if you wrote kneels.  And that epitaph is pretty hardcore:

SHE LOVED, WAS LOVED, AND DIED

Whew, talk about on the nose.  That pretty much says it all.

Zak seemed like a character put into the script strictly for comedic relief.  But, it's too little, too late, IMO.  I probably would have enjoyed this script much more if it wasn't an OWC entry.  I kept looking for the comedy aspect, and it never came.

Hi!  Even though, the obvious remark would be "where's the comedic aspect?"  mine lacked that as well, so I won't give you much flack :)

I didn't understand why you ended each scene with a FADE to BLACK.  When you fade to black, aren't you supposed to FADE IN?  If you're fading to black as a transition to every new scene, then do you really need it?  It's kind of redundant.

Nice story, but doesn't grab me as much as the others.   I can't say why, really.

Nicely written story that moves along at a good pace and is filled with atmosphere.

It's a little twee for my tastes, but that's a subjective thing. I didn't really buy the whole mega hit thing. I think a more classical tale would have suited it better. A classical composer, rather than a superstar vibe.

Nice though.

I liked the quiet strength that Peter finds from Jane. Despite the fact that she has passed on, she still has a powerful and positive effect on his life, as Jane does by helping Peter find happiness in his music again.

Really minor nit-picking:
I don't think a journalist would frame a question with "This song is incredibly awesome.", unless they were writing for a teen magazine.

Other than the piano lid closing in on his fingers and Zak's charicature as the flighty pop star, not a lot of ha-ha comedy, but plenty of warmth to support the romantic drama aspect of the challenge

I'm sorry some people found my story "twee" but this is MY story and my life is far to be twee. I never tried to hide myself behind it and a lot of people guesses right away who wrote it. I think it's somewhere a self victory because I succeeded to make emotion passing through in a language that is not mine. After all these years I still make weird words and there's no comedy. I rather tried to blow some bittersweet humur in it. Choosing that subject it was obvious comedy couldn't be here.

Anyway I wrote from the bottom of my heart and I'm very glad if I could have touched some people. They have shared for a very short while my present existence.

Funny no one ever noticed my Pinocchio tribute with the blue sparks just before Jane comes "alive".

By the way Cam, the words of the epitath are real words I found while I made my researches. They're very simple and could resume my character.

A last thing, thanks to Cindy for her unconscient support. I've been touched back.

and thank you to everyone who reviewed it. Wasn't too negative for once... :)

Michel 8)