Lazarus Phenomenon by Icaza Caravaggio (icazacarav) (Ghesunteit)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - A chance encounter between a man and a woman changes both their lives. - pdf, format 8)

I enjoyed this... but wonder if it doesn't deserve more than just 12 pages? I know there was a page limit, but if you decide to continue working on it I wouldn't mind reading a longer draft.

As much as I did like it, it wasn't very funny. It had moments of funny, but not many. There was a budding romance, but I can't say it's romantic if that makes sense? Maybe because it didn't have those lighter moments that new couples share? Can't say I liked the lyrics either.

But I did like the story. A lot. touching.

25 read so far  another 5 to do for now.

This was another odd one. It started as comedy and loked to be heading all the way like that. but it veered off into, well, drama I suppose.

Um, yeah, it was written ok and i liked the bell stuff, and the ending was good. Needs a re-write but could become very good.

Oh, and this ain't mine, despite the nice Beatles ref!!   By some coincidence, Mal Evans rings that bell 6 times on Penny Lane, one of my fave songs...

Quoted from stevie Oh, and this ain't mine, despite the nice Beatles ref!!   By some coincidence, Mal Evans rings that bell 6 times on Penny Lane, one of my fave songs...

If you say so.

Alright, I really liked this, very touching and sad. i never knew about the bell thing in the graves. It intrigues me to write something.....

I saw an effort here in all three phases, which is nice...

Whoa... the "about six inches" comment made me cringe. Any normal bloke would've blown it right then and there, but she knew him. I believe she would give him a pass.

This was written very well. I did like the lyrics, so nice job there. And nice touch with him being burried with a bell.

All in all, very good work. Could turn into something great in the future...

James

LAZARUS PHENOMENOM

Pros – Premise and title intriguing.

Con – The coffin and psychologist scenes could be shortened. Some longer blocks of dialogue.

Comedy – Conversational wit except for the nose pick.

Romance – Empathy for suffering is not romance. Suggest space saved on opening
scenes be used to better define romance of Telly and Dale’s short time together.

Lyrics – Played the music at the grave of her boyfriend. She sang her lyrics. Classy.

Writer – Bravo. Lazarus connection took me a while. Sad vibe to this one. Finally, a
Beatles’ reference. Penny Lane…

Criteria – A moving dramedy but not a romantic one.

Gary

Quite nice. Touching.

The coincidental meeting between Telly and Wentzworth (in the phone-booth, in the rain) was a really nice visual. I liked that.  But DW reads as an 'old man' character to me - older than the psychologist. I would have felt more of a romantic connection between he and Telly if you had described him in a more youthful way (even though he's sick). And of course had there been more page-count to play with.

Some nice subtle humour in exchanges of dialogue i.e. 'Word of the Day' , 'I'm psychic' etc. Light on romance, drama, and humour, and yet it was touching. Just needs more time and development I feel.

Lyrics didn't do much for me, sorry.

The whole Lazarus thing didn't quite work for me. It almost did. I've heard the 'ringing of the bell' thing before - it's never fails to creep me out and fascinate me at the same time. So, it was good to incorporate the idea into the story but I'm not entirely sure it was fully realized within 12 pages. I think with more time and work this could be great.

Well done, Snow White, I think ;)

I thought this was really good with a VERY INTERESTING TITLE.

I also loved the creative use of the name Telly - a nurse wearing scrubs under a raincoat, in the telephone booth.

This, by the way, is the image that captures me the strongest and so I should mention:

The Lazuras Phenomenon, in other words, the coming back to life, isn't I think mentioned explicitly in the script and I think it should, to echo the title.

Here:

WENTZWORTH
When I was younger I came across
this book about the cholera
epidemic of the eighteen-hundreds.
The book mentioned premature
burials. They were so common back
then that they’d bury you with a
rope strung to a bell. That way if
you weren’t really dead, just
incapacitated, you could alert the
watchmen when you awakened.

It's explained. And I love the idea
with the bells ringing six times after:

He loves to keep his fire engine clean
It's a clean machine

Maybe work that into not just dialogue,
but into some kind of visuals as well.

So anyways, back to where I was:

I think that the theme and the piece as
a whole isn't quite coming together.

Excellence is the inherent potential
within this, but it still needs reworking
and the part that I think you might
want to rework is the beginning.

I'm thinking maybe have him meeting
the nurse straight off and then dialoging
with her about his dilemma rather than
the psychologist, who, by the way, I thought
should be a psychiatrist.

There's a lot going on in here.

I think the ending was rushed.

A very good effort and I enjoyed it!

Sandra

I truly enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

I'm not a big fan of melodramatic stuff, but this one is very touching. And romantic.
I liked how you set up the bell ringing - I thought that the ending was fantastic.

At the beginning I got confused about genre though - Dale visiting psychiatrist left wrong impression on me perhaps.

I though your dialog is very well done, full of subtle humor.

The only question I have is - Dale sounds like he is not sure if he's dying or not - did I understand correct? It's a little unbelivable. He also tell Telly that she is a nurse and got to know he's dying by the symptoms, nose bleeding and dialated pupils - I don't know - these are the symptoms of only brain tumor? I don't know, maybe it's true, I haven't checked...

Anyway, I really enjoyed your story.

What I liked:
For me this is a strong story, well written with emotion and some witty dialog. The Hero's Journey is  engaging and the writer has clearly developed a film with a beginning, middle and end within just 12 pages. Nice job!

What I question:
Is this a Romantic Comedy. I didn't experience it that way. It has a heavy foreboding tone.
Does this meet the Challenge? A director needs lyrics and a script to build a story around a piece of music.
That's all missing.

The more I read, I find that there are many writers who simply didn't tackle the genre and premise of the Challenge, but who are excellent story tellers and writers.

Big Lew

Quoted from big lew Does this meet the Challenge? A director needs lyrics and a script to build a story around a piece of music. That's all missing. The more I read, I find that there are many writers who simply didn't tackle the genre and premise of the Challenge, but who are excellent story tellers and writers.

Hey Big Lew, just to clear it up it wasn't actually the idea to write about a director who needed music. I know it read that way initially but it was just a misunderstanding. The challenge was just to write a romantic dramey and include lyrics for the music. If you read the challenge thread you'll see that this was explained at some point and the original post by Don was edited.

Cheers,
Tim.

This was OK.  I didn't really buy into the story...just way too many cliches and unlikely occurrances.

I noticed a few times you used "rain" or "drizzle" in your slug and then repeated it again in your first action line.  No reason to include this kind of thing in your slug, IMO (what if it stops raining?  Do you throw in a new slug?).

I don't think you should have used Dale's last name in both action lines and dialogue lines.  It read oddly, and I highly doubt anyone calls him by his last name.

Writing was OK, a few mistakes here and there, but overall, a pretty nice flow.

Music and lyrics felt tacked on and I didn't really like the lyrics.

Overall, a good effort that could use a few edits and tinkering here and there.

This one did a good job of adhering to the challenge. It had the feel of a dramedy, the conversations between Telly & Wentzworth was more romantic than in many of the other scripts, though would've been more believable as romance if she didn't already know who he was. It seemed a bit unbelievable that some guy would show up and instantly she would remember all of those things from years ago. The song was a little forced in there too.

I liked the psychiatrist scene but I'm not sure that it belonged in the beginning.

I don't know how many movies I've seen where a character is trying to incorporate a 'word of the day' into their vocabulary. This seemed a bit too cliche considering how original the rest of the script was.

Still, I think you met the challenge and turned out a decent script too. I didn't like the big jumps in time at the end there but I understand that you only had 12 pages. It would be nice to show a bit more of Telly & Wentzworth's relationship between the time he's in her bedroom with the envelope and his death.

Quoted from bobtheballa I liked the psychiatrist scene but I'm not sure that it belonged in the beginning.

Quoted from Sandra E. Me too. I felt that this was not just misplaced, but that it didn't jive with the story completely.

Quoted from bobtheballa I don't know how many movies I've seen where a character is trying to incorporate a 'word of the day' into their vocabulary. This seemed a bit too cliche considering how original the rest of the script was.

I guess my husband and myself are

TOO CLICHE!

Yes,, we have dun the wurd of the day thing. Surry.  ;D

We're crazy like that.

Sandra

I enjoyed this.

There were more than a couple of things that I found somehwat unbelievable and I also felt that the phone box scene could have been better handled. It didn't feel as interesting as it could have been IMO.

I also felt that the idea of being buried underground was somehow underused. I loved the potential of that, but didn't really feel that it played out quite as powerfully as I would have hoped.

Despite that it was a really nice little script and one of the better entries.

What a sad, sweet story. I liked it. Dale and Telly were real characters, with hopes and fears, and had some pretty amusing banter. The transition from a date in a restaurant to sleeping together was a bit abrupt. Perhaps less dream description, more romance action. I also liked the lyrics. They fitted the mood and the music. All in all a great effort.

This was a sweet story, but could have been much better.

I liked the start more than the end.

You had some great dialogue throughout, it worked well.

The whole thing with the Dad was good, and I liked the relationships between the characters.

I think the ending could have been better... and action was simple and effective.

Well done.

As many had already said, the story is pretty good. I would suggest you play up the premature burial story because that is much more interesting than what you have right now.

I see there is some hint of romance but not fully sketched out. Maybe you need to trim the psychologist scene and add a bit more romance into the story.

Writing is well done.

I enjoyed this script. Good job.