Chris White by Charles Bonet (chuckbonet) (Woodchuck)  Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Chris White is frustrated with sex.  He just can't seem to figure out the whole idea of it.  Then he meets Charly... - pdf, format 8)

Like a rather a lot of shorts, this seems to be rather more of a description of something that happens, rather than an attempt at a story. This is not necessarily a bad thing, if the scene is interesting, or makes you think.

Unfortunately, I didn't feel this fell into this category. There was no real drama to this - no comedy at all as I would see it - and the song, which is part of the whole OWC theme, is tacked on at the end - presumably intended to play as the credits roll, rather than integrated into the script. It felt as if you'd already got this short, and just tacked the song on at the end so you could submit it to the OWC.

As for Romance - well, the "hooker with a heart of gold" type of story might be considered romance (after all "Pretty Woman" is seen as a Romantic film by a lot of people) but given the reality of prostitution and the rather seedy images that even this story invokes, I am not sure I would agree.

The title character has no development. Who is he? Why is he wandering around picking up hookers for philosophical debates! Who is Charly - what is her background. What does she even look like? I got no sense of these two characters at all from the script.

And it all just ends. The central incident of the story does nothing to change the characters, or move either of them of the story forward. It may as well not have happened - at the end, Chirs and Charly do exactly as they planned to do before it.

I was left with no desire to read more about the two, or see what happened to them.

my two biggest issues with this is that there was too much subtext in the description ("chris isn't sure if this is a rhetorical question or not."...how do we see that...remember you can only write what we see/hear) and the was straight forward ("can i ask you a question?") and the dialog was "one voiced"...if you white out the character slugs, you can't tell who's lines are who's...

This was pretty good. Terrible title though? Chris White? Maybe if you gave him a cooler name, you could name the script after the character but in this case... no. Anyway, I like the overall premise. We've all seen Pretty Woman, unfortunately. It's pretty obvious things don't pan out this way in real life. This was a little more down to earth. Still, I think the two characters should wrestle with the dialogue a little. Charly seems a little too overly accommodating at times and Christ, I honestly don't know where he's coming from. I understand what he wants, just not why he wants it. You don't give him much backstory. Still, the ending feels on point. My only other complaint would be this is a little light on comedy. Every script here seems to be missing something though so I guess it's no biggie. Good job.

this was wonderful! Different characters, unusual situation...

Grabbed me right away and kept me curious till the end.

Few notes: punctuation "What are you doing here, Francis"; reads a little like a note - too much of thinks..; "professional" (first paragraph) - do you mean attire?.

My only complaint is the placement of the song, but if your script got accepted then it's not a real complaint:)

Loved it! Thanks for the read. Very romantic story.

I liked this. One of my favourites so far. It fizzled out near the end, but I enjoyed it.

Blanda seemed a bit overly nice regarding the whole "simplicity" thing. He's practcially admitting he uses hookers in front of another cop.

I also think it needs a bit more of an edge and a bit more of a reason for them to have a spark.

I can't talk from experience, but I reckon pros come across the guys who just want to talk quite a lot.

I'd also like to see more development on his sex issue. Sex is quite a weird thing in some ways, particularly modern sex. There's a lot to it and I can imagine it being difficult for a lot of people to understand. I'd really like to see inside the guys head.

I like it a lot though. It's only a bit of a fierce re-write away from being something that would make a nice little film.

CHRIS WHITE

Pros – Premise.

Cons – Some confusion over who is Doris on pg. 7 – one of the police officers or the prostitute?

Comedy – Not much amusing other than the prostitute’s real name is Doris not Charly. I half expected Charly or Chris to be a guy given their non-gender specific names. Cop's t-shirt was funny.

Romance – Chris is confused about sex walking the porn streets at 2 am. A glimmer of romance beckoned when Charly asked Chris to breakfast.

Lyrics – Included as attachment (I almost missed it) at end of script and it fit the confusion/sadness that Chris felt. But it was more of an emotional tie in rather than a story line tie in.

Writer – I was interested in where this story was going. Story has a somber tone. Needs a clearer focus as to what Chris’s problem is. (I know sometimes ambiguity is good.)

Criteria – Somber story. Prostitution not romance when portrayed in this nature (Pretty Woman this is not).

BTW, I am never gonna leave my car in an attended parking lot again. Gross.

Gary

Not bad.  Some of the dialogue really stood out for me.  I was hoping the story would develop more, though.  This kind of reminded me of a Seinfeld episode I saw once.  We never care much about any of the characters, and the whole golden hearted hooker thing has really been played to death.  When it's over, I don't think Chris, Charly or anyone else in the story has changed or grown in any way.  There's not much arc here.

On the positive, I liked your old school sport references.  Stockton to Malone?  That's old school.  And Blanda and Tittle?  That's ancient school.  

Okay, I don't hear music. So you flunked the OWC.

However, this is the start of something cool. I like it. It feels real, right down to the cops. Francis. Yeah, I'd say that if I was fuckin' with a guy.

It's an awe shit moment, you just know it could go either way, so that's suspense of a good kind. And then they let him go, but say it in an off hand way, which is awesome. Next time I see you here, you better be parking a car.

And then there's Charly waiting. Which means she came out of her shell, her business.

Cool stuff, this one, even if you flunked. But hey, as they say, A students end up working for C students.

Hmmm, this was a mixed bag. It was promising to begin with but when Charly just happened to be the type of hooker who was happy to chat with some guy who could've been a pscho killer....well, you get my drift.

The arrival of the cops was odd, too. Even though it was set in the US, the dialogue and names seemed almost English? I thought Charly was gonna be an undercover cop for a mo there.

Writing and format was good. Another where the writer seemd to lose inspiration (and had maybe deadline panic) and finished hurriedly.   Good try but.

Oh, and i have NFBI what blanda and Tittle suggests...

Well, I defintely know this is well written, and I have an idea of who wrote it, as well.

I like it...for what it is.  I don't see it meeting the challenge at all, so like Clorox said, you fail here.  No Romcom, very little humor.  No music.

The music...wait, did I miss it?  Where the fuck is it? Oh there it is...as the credits roll?  No way...very disapointed, cause this is really well done.

So?  Damn...I hate to say this, but based on what it's not, that it's supposed to be, no go, bro.  Sorry...you obviously are a good writer.

This seemed like a scene out of something bigger.  We end up knowing nothing about Chris except that he works on Wall Street.  He meets a hooker, they end up not doing anything, they get busted by cops that for some reason let them both go then Chris says he's getting to know that there's more to Doris than just being a hooker?  How?  The only thing he learned about her was her name is really Doris.  Did I miss something?

This needs some kind of character development to give it depth.  And maybe something more at the end cus I felt there was no resolution.  

I didn't feel like the song had anything to do with the story but was just thrown in to meet the criteria.

A very different take on romance that works surprisingly well. It's a nice story, with plenty of twists and turns in its nine pages, and raises some interesting questions about sex and its place in relationships. And it also raises some major trust issues as well. That conversation as they went for breakfast must have been a doozy. It's a pity we never got to hear it.

The lyrics are the best of all I've read so far in terms of fitting the music. But they seem to have nothing to do with the story.

I really did enjoy this one. I just felt hooked at the beginning te-he, no really I did!

And I just felt compelled to read on with no bathroom breaks.

I was wondering about the choice of location for the action-paction, but I guess a parking garage is as good as place as ever and it was The Beatle's who sang,

Why don't we do it in the road?

So I think this gospel is good to keep in mind when considering such lofty and magnificent thoughts on copulation, as Chris does in this story.

And a Hummer, not just any kind of Hummer, but yellow, well why not?!!

This here:

CHARLY
Well, I think it’s fun. It feels
good, sometimes great. It’s messy.
It’s funny. It’s embarrassing.
Sometimes it hurts.
(Beat)
I think it pays the bills. What do
you wanna hear?

I really enjoyed Charly-Doris' dialogue.

We are left to wonder if Chris and Charly
do find love. I think they do.

Sandra  

I liked it. The one note that I remembered from a previous OWC was in the naming of characters. Charley and Chris are visually similiar, so it made it just a tad more difficult to figure out who was who. I also liked the fact that Chris had some depth to him, as well as Charley. The commentary of the cop also helped clarify the question for Chris. More metaphorical and almost a parable about the pursuit of sex over substance. Really liked the dialogue, and the rythym of the conversation, particularly Charley's comment on the similaritys of thier professions. Very thoughtful and insightful script. The complaint would be that the song lyrics didn't work in to the story. You could delete the last page and not have any impact. Regardless, a good script on it's own merit.

This is very good. It's interesting. it kept me scrolling. I like the ending. It's subtle like the script so it fits and it leaves the reader wondering what will happen to the two.

The subtext that slap shot commented on didn't bother me. I know you're not s'posed to include it. But I really like lines like that that help bring me into the story. And when I read them, i don't feel like I'm inside the character's head, but watching body language, facial expressions...stuff like that. There are other ways to communcate such things tho. So idk. Shrugs.

Back to the story. I lked the dialogue and the actions lines. Overall very creative.

Quoted from Astrid This is very good. It's interesting. it kept me scrolling. I like the ending. It's subtle like the script so it fits and it leaves the reader wondering what will happen to the two. The subtext that slap shot commented on didn't bother me. I know you're not s'posed to include it. But I really like lines like that that help bring me into the story. And when I read them, i don't feel like I'm inside the character's head, but watching body language, facial expressions...stuff like that. There are other ways to communcate such things tho. So idk. Shrugs. Back to the story. I lked the dialogue and the actions lines. Overall very creative.

Re: Subtext

This is simplified, but the way of I think of subtext is that it is

UNWRITTEN

It's the intention behind the words.

The following is Quoted from "The Mystery of Subtext" by Hal Croasman.

The Mystery of Subtext
by Hal Croasmun

For most people, subtext is the most illusive of all the writing skills. You ask a screenwriting teacher about subtext and you'll get a vague answer that will leave you confused, but won't provide any real insight. Why? Because many of the best writers of subtext operate primarily from intuition. So they don't have a conscious structure they can teach.

But there is a structure to subtext and it can be learned.
The quality of your dialogue can be dramatically improved by building in meaningful subtext. Well written subtext is the mark of a professional writer. On the other hand, constant on-the-nose (OTN) dialogue is the mark of an amateur writer.

Below, I've analyzed the subtext in the first three pages of AS GOOD AS IT GETS written by Mark Andrus and James J. Brooks. When you read it, along with my notes, you'll understand why producers say that they can tell if a writer is any good in the first five pages. Keep in mind that this is what you're up against when you send a script in.

Remember, subtext plays a vital role in bringing a script to life. It takes the movie from an external projection on a screen to an internal experience that an audience can live and enjoy.

Read my notes from these three pages and you'll understand why subtext is so important.

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

ANGLE ON apartment doorway. As it opens and an enormously SWEET-FACED, ELDER

WOMAN steps out, bundled up against the cold -- turning back to call inside to the unseen love of her long life.

SWEET-FACED WOMAN
I'm just going to get some flowers, dear. I'll be back in twenty minutes. It's tulip season today. I'm so happy.

And now she turns and faces the hallway... her sweetness dissolves in a flash... replaced by repulsion and that quickly she has reversed herself and re-entered her apartment... closing the door as we consider her vacated.

SUBTEXT NOTE: Without a word from Melvin or the Sweet-faced woman, we get the message that Melvin turns people off. This does two things. First, it delivers a subtext message about Melvin. Second, it sets up future subtext by instantly causing us to suspect anything Melvin says.

***

We are watching what is being acted, but it doesn't coincide with what's really happening.

I hope this helps,

Sandra

This was a very good read... Felt more romance in this script then in most. Mainly because i liked the two chracters, which is essential for showing them falling inlove. If we don't like them, we don't buy it.

very well written, I can tell whomever wrote it is experienced.

Ah but, eventhough i can see some of your lyrics representing your story, you did not incorporate them into it....

It's the "Pretty Woman" scenario that we all loved so...

Not a bad entry, not bad at all...

James

Quoted from jwent6688 It's the "Pretty Woman" scenario that we all loved so... James

Indeed! That's what I got too! Henceforth: PWS

Let's all try and write a PWS script this year and see how it pans.  ;D

Sandra

Quoted from slap shot my two biggest issues with this is that there was too much subtext in the description ("chris isn't sure if this is a rhetorical question or not."...how do we see that...remember you can only write what we see/hear) and the was straight forward ("can i ask you a question?") and the dialog was "one voiced"...if you white out the character slugs, you can't tell who's lines are who's...

I don't thing your issue is subtext as much as it is what you're "supposed" to write in a screenplay. How do we "see." That's a much debated subject, as least here on SS. So you have those that will say write what ever you want as long as it propels the story forward. Others will say, "WTF, you can't shoot that, so get rid of it."

Subtext is what Sandra quoted. It's the opposite of on-the-nose dialogue. The pilot of LOST had a scene where a giant jet engine was running (forget the logic for this discussion) and a guy got sucked in and the thing blew up. On-the-nose would be a character saying out loud, "Wow! Did you see that? That guy just got sucked in the engine and it blew up!" Duh. Subtext is like, oh I don't know, "Didn't need a pilot anyway." And I guess the subtext is that the plane is in bits and pieces already, allbeit weak.

So Chris White has an action line in it...Chris thinks the proposal over. Oh my God, how do you shoot someone thinking? A tilt of the head? Finger to the chin?

A good example of subtext in White is when Charly needs a business location. We have mystery and subtext, revealed quickly.

INT. PARKING GARAGE - LATER

Charly leads Chris to an Attendant’s Booth. They find the
ATTENDANT, feet propped up comfortably, reading The Wall
Street Journal, chewing on a tootsie pop.
                    
                                     CHARLY
              Where’s Barry?

                                     ATTENDANT
              Barry’s not here.
                                    
                                    CHARLY
              I see that. Where is he?

                                    ATTENDANT
              Minivan rolled over his foot, a
              Plymouth I think. Anyway, he’s not
              here.

A small kink in Charly’s plans. She improvises.

                                  CHARLY
              You know how it works?

The Attendant looks to Chris who’s beginning to think twice
about all this.

                                 ATTENDANT
              Barry might have mentioned
              something.

Charly slips him a twenty dollar bill.

                                CHARLY
              Something spacious.

He slips her a set of keys.

                               ATTENDANT
              Second level, yellow Hummer.

                              CHARLY
              Gracias.

The suspense is the business arragement the garage has with Charly. We don't quite understand what is going on right away, but by the end of the scene, we do. The subtext is the Attendant responding to Charly's questioning him if he knows how it works. The subtext line is "Barry might have mentioned something." The subtext is "Yes, Barry told me all about this arrangement you have with doing your business in someone's parked vehicle, but since Barry is not here, and you want me to keep my mouth shut, and get a vehicle, it will cost you some money. I'm thinking twenty dollars ought to be enough to keep my mouth shut, since I don't want to be greedy and ask for fifty dollars, because you might not pay that amount and I'd be out of at least something, so that's why I'm thinking twenty dollars should do it." On the nose would have been the Attendent saying all that. However subconcious it is, we pick up on it and Charly responds as well, with a twenty. The subtext of agreement is the Attendant giving her a set of keys. While it's a simple example, it holds up quite nicely.

All of the little action lines I think you call subtext, are not subtext at all. They are action lines.

                        CHRIS
           What do you think about sex?
                      
                        CHARLY
                          (Beat)
           Is that supposed to be funny?

                        CHRIS
           No.

Charly thinks about the question.

Freeze it right there. This is an action line, not subtext. My reference of "how do you shoot this?" Again...a tilt of the head, she takes a drag of the cigarette and give him a smile? To write all that might be tougher than what was actually written. And longer, too. An actor can act out the line given as is.

This short is filled with this kind of thing and I can see those lines expressed in their faces, their gestures. It's the actor's job to bring those lines to life. That's what I like about this short. It has those internal references that draw me into the characters, not just a bunch of action lines that become sanitary, robotic. It's important for me to care about these characters if the story is going to be successful, and I think the writer did what it took for me to get there. It's not going to resonate with everyone, but it resonates with me.

EDIT: Action is subtext to. What if, while in the Hummer (Hummer for a hummer, btw, and I don't think that was by accident, which is also subtext) Charly'd flicked her ashes on Chris' expensive suit?

Quoted from cloroxmartini Subtext is what Sandra quoted. It's the opposite of on-the-nose dialogue. The pilot of LOST had a scene where a giant jet engine was running (forget the logic for this discussion) and a guy got sucked in and the thing blew up. On-the-nose would be a character saying out loud, "Wow! Did you see that? That guy just got sucked in the engine and it blew up!" Duh. Subtext is like, oh I don't know, "Didn't need a pilot anyway." And I guess the subtext is that the plane is in bits and pieces already, allbeit weak. [Some quote omitted See original post.] EDIT: Action is subtext to. What if, while in the Hummer (Hummer for a hummer, btw, and I don't think that was by accident, which is also subtext) Charly'd flicked her ashes on Chris' expensive suit?

Thank  you so very much, Clorox, for your contribution here. I think it's one that we should continue in the future, and keep our minds focused on as we write.

Assimilating the concept of subtext isn't easy. That's why we have a hard time defining it explicitly-- because IT'S NOT EXPLICIT. That's the thing. It's a very internal thing that the audience GETS.

Sandra

Quoted from cloroxmartini A small kink in Charly’s plans. She improvises.                                   CHARLY               You know how it works? The Attendant looks to Chris who’s beginning to think twice about all this.                                  ATTENDANT               Barry might have mentioned               something. Charly slips him a twenty dollar bill.                                 CHARLY               Something spacious. He slips her a set of keys.                                ATTENDANT               Second level, yellow Hummer.                               CHARLY               Gracias. The suspense is the business arragement the garage has with Charly. We don't quite understand what is going on right away, but by the end of the scene, we do. The subtext is the Attendant responding to Charly's questioning him if he knows how it works. The subtext line is "Barry might have mentioned something." The subtext is "Yes, Barry told me all about this arrangement you have with doing your business in someone's parked vehicle, but since Barry is not here, and you want me to keep my mouth shut, and get a vehicle, it will cost you some money. I'm thinking twenty dollars ought to be enough to keep my mouth shut, since I don't want to be greedy and ask for fifty dollars, because you might not pay that amount and I'd be out of at least something, so that's why I'm thinking twenty dollars should do it." On the nose would have been the Attendent saying all that.

This is not how I read it. "You know how it works?" - perhaps she never done this there, she's trying the Attendant. ATTENDANT "Barry might have mentioned something" -  as if he knows how stuff works around there.
The rest is pretty straightforward for me. Twenty for a Hummer (or so I think).

Just thinking it's funny that we read it differently. Isn't it funny?

Quoted from khamanna This is not how I read it. "You know how it works?" - perhaps she never done this there, she's trying the Attendant. ATTENDANT "Barry might have mentioned something" -  as if he knows how stuff works around there. The rest is pretty straightforward for me. Twenty for a Hummer (or so I think). Just thinking it's funny that we read it differently. Isn't it funny?

It is funny and very beautiful too. Because when we start asking each other questions regarding our personal perceptions, it seems to elevate us, enlighten us, and bring us higher, as we climb a most certain ladder towards a freedom that is destined to be owned by us, and by all-- at the same equivocal time.

Our task is to be engaged with this process at all times... And not be as Zombies-- as Betty in "Broadway Betty" describes. See the thread for details on this, but I think:

But bleed it. Sweat it. Connect with it. Work it.

The beauty is in the work and the connection. There is no other way.

Sandra