The Art Collector by Bryan Michael Stiffe (stiffler) - Short, Thriller, Trailer - No Logline 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I want to like it, but I can't. There are just too many problems in the script that took me out of the reading. And consequently, left me totally confused.

First, your intention is not telling us a story, right? It's a trailer. The entire script is extremely choppy and didn't tell me about the plot except for some dudes are stealing paintings.

Character introduction is another major problem. You need some description of Steele such as his age. Where did Hernandez come from? Who is he? He seems to come out of nowhere.

Using voice overs. You need someone to say the voice overs, not just V.O.

There are some missing/incorrect locations in scene headings. What is EXT. - WALL?

Dialogue format is incorrect as well. I suggest downloading some free screenwriting software to save you the trouble.

I am sorry I don't have any positive things to say. You have a lot to work on. Keep trying.

I am not quite sure where to begin with this.

This is a comedy sketch in basis - spoofing both action films and their overblown trailers. To some extent it works quite well on this level - it ticks the boxes of such things by having the hero shout at the sky, and people leaping through the air firing guns.

And I liked the show of ignorance when he destroys the painting - "Rembrandt didn't do oils"! That does sound very Hollywood!

The problem with parody is that it is a fairly dead end street. Modern film comedy is full of this kind of thing, and indeed, has been ever since "Airplane!", so these jokes have been done before. I didn't feel, although some of it was amusing enough, that there was anything particularly interesting enough here to get excited about.

There are loads of formatting issues - but it seems redundant to point them out here.

Bryan

The guys above correct when talking about the (lack of) formatting here, my advice would be to read some scripts and check out a few websites, you'll pick it up in no time.

However, I did think it was pretty funny in places. Sure, parody is an oversaturated genre (the Wayans brother continually strive to give it a bad name) but there were some good moments and funny lines in here. I enjoyed the trailer structure to it also, regardless of the wayward presentation.

As I said, read, read and read some more, both scripts and screenwriting websites/books and maybe have another go at this.

Best of luck

Col.

Hey, thanks everyone. I thought I sorted my formatting out since last time but obviously I still have a way to go. Character descriptions- I didn't know who would play the parts so I didn't describe the characters. However, I am pleased to admit that I shot the first half of the trailer today. Both actors are in their 40s, Hernandez wears an eye patch and I will be doing the voiceover myself.
   I know these spoof movies are old and outdated, but I always wanted to make one. I am dedicating the trailer to David Caruso from C.S.I MIAMI. Thanks again for the feedback. My formatting will be better next time.

Laptop is in the shop so I will review some of your scripts next week.

On a personal note....

To clarify, Coding, I wrote this script in one day. When I say stuff like EXT. WALL I mean Hernandez is on a wall. Thats what I saw in my head when I was creating the scene in my head. Actors could of used more descriptions, I should of at least said their age. But this was honestly a casting issue, I didnt know who the actors would be as I had yet to cast them, thus leaving their age unknown, and I didn;t have a narrator in mind either.. For example, Hernandez was meant to be played by a 22 year old who agreed to play the part but it ended up being played by a 43 year old. But I should of told you of where they came from. Absolutely. And in regards to the "choppy plot"- its a trailer I don't want to give away the whole plot. I hate trailers that give away the entire plot, whats the point of seeing something if you already know whats going to happen?

    Niles,
   Thansk for your review. I have read some of your work, the one in the train station with Jack and Rose, cant remember the name but I did enjoy it. You have talent as a writer. Ya, spoofs might be outdated and done to death, but I still love them and I have always wanted ti shoot one. If Airplane 3 came out, I would go see it. Would you not? The Waynes Brothers have ruined the genre almost to extintion, but stuff like Anchorman still sells. I dont think that spoof parody is completely dead. Hurt, severely injured maybe but it still has a pulse.
    And Colcurtz thanks for the review also. I thought I sorted my formatting out but I still have work to do. I downloaded software, zanga I think its called. The problem is, you have to click on something every time you change from dialogue to slugs/ descrip etc, and this takes ages, often the idea in my head will be gone after all this clicking. But I will read up and sort out formatting for next time. Thanks all three for your 2 cents, I appreciate it.

Hiya

Am not sure what you mean by your comments re "casting" of the characters? As a writer, you create them in your head (where you can cast anyone you want!), and so describe them accordingly - it's a guide for those who read the script. In all likelihood the parts will end up played by totally different people anyway - the fact that you read of very different actors coming and going on films shows this.

Having said all that, I should say I have been criticised for not doing exactly the same so who am I to complain!

I have not heard of this zanga software - I, and a number of others here, use Celtx, which is very good. Maybe, if you are finding your software is holding you up, it's time to look around for something else. There are also a number of online writing sites now (Zhura, FiveSprockets and others) with software built in as well (though some don't support alternative browsers very well, it should be said).