Measure of Silence, A by Simon Lewis (niles crane) - Short, Family Horror - A couple discover that even an empty room can be deadly at Halloween. - pdf, format 8)

This one's not too bad. It has some decent little elements that might work well on screen. It did feel as if the Halloween elements were tacked on to an already existing story though - although the ending was rather good, I thought.

My main problem with it is that we don't really get to know these two characters or any real background to what has happened in the house previously. There are a few cryptic remarks thrown in, but they are easy to miss and perhaps something more concrete might have helped.

I am not sure if the opening, with an empty room, would hold anyone's attention for long! This could definitely do with being cut down.

It is a fairly standard "Amityville"/"Haunting" type of story, and didn't add anything new, but it was OK. I would say that it is the first one I have read so far (though hopefully not the last) that didn't seem aimed at children!

This was decent, despite the lack of Halloween festival. It read really quick. The action was as cut and dry as can be. Very good. The dialogue was the same. Not sure if this was as successful. I would've liked to know a little more about them which probably would've require some beefier dialogue. They could've been anyone as far as I'm concerned. The nursery lines didn't help much. Anyway, pretty simplistic story. I liked how it relied on suspense and mystery rather than any physical antagonistic force. Reminded me of those Are You Afraid Of The Dark Stories at times. A good thing. I loved those growing up. Not bad.

I really liked this. It got tension, suspense, and creepiness. I don't mind this is not set at a festival but it's on Halloween nevertheless! You wrote in a variety of things in the room to keep us interested. David and Jane tried different ways to get out, while strange happenings occur in different ways as well.

Next time when I am in a room with a cupboard, I'll think about this script.

An excellent job! Congrat!

Noteworthy story! Suspense well done. This is the way all scary stories should be told.

Minor point on page 3: "sign" should be "sigh."

Great effort.

Gary

I enjoyed the creepy factor to this.  Perfect for family horror.  Characterization and interaction between Jane and David worked really well.

My only problem with this script dealt with the formatting, specifically with your direction. Two mistakes you had were:


SPOILER SPACE (kinda)

Quoted Text Note: We never see into the cupboard.

and

Quoted Text Jane does not notice - but we do - that on the inside of the door,

We are not there; you shouldn't include us in the script.  By not saying what is in the cupboard, the reader doesn't know.  Just don't tell us.  That simple.

Regarding the scratches, by telling us about the scratches, the reader 'sees' them.  By not having the characters react to them, we can assume that the characters didn't see them.

By writing like this, you take us out of the story by reminding us it's a story.


Phil

This one is pretty good. I had not noticed that it didn't have anything to do with any type of Halloween festival until James mentioned it, which kind of hurts you considering it was something you had to add in the challenge. It also felt a bit rushed, and that some of the reactions the characters gave didn't seem so realistic. The door just slammed shut and locked by itself. Yeah, David is bewildered by it, but they immediately try and think of ways to get out rather than ask themselves, "Why the hell did that just happen?" Instead, they were like, "Okay, well, let's drink some coffee and wait a while for the door to loosen up because it might be jammed."

But other than that, the way you incorporated the room and just the room, with no other location except for the outside of the house, was very unique and impressive how you're able to keep the readers' attention with one room. It was very eerie, since you can't see what's going on, and as Niles said, it is very "Amityville" but it's good to not see the force that's after them. It makes it all the scarier. I mean, just look at Paranormal Activity...


Sean

While the argument can be made that this couple is a family in themselves. When I read the logline I was worried that this would not necessarily be a family film.

1. There are kids in this script but only at the end. We go on this journey with a couple, not teens not a cute couple of kids but adults. Family means kids have to be included or has to be about them.
2. There is no real festival here just halloween, I'm not sure if you really understood the prompt. Sure you mentioned it but it makes it sort of cheap when you don't capitalize on the challenge.
3. Alot of this doesn't feel organic because it feels like a nice idea you had for a horror script and you just briefly mentioned stuff. I will say that this is horror but kids need color, kids don't know everything and you have to dumb it down a lil bit for them.

4. The end seemed tacked on as well. I'm not a big fan of the cut and dry approach because I think that it's not that entertaining. Sorry but I just feel a lil confused as to your choices in constructing your script. Also who are your characters, I felt like they were just talking heads.

I suggest maybe reading more family oriented scripts like the incredibles, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Toy Story all the Pixar films are Family films.
Read these if you are not sure if it's family oriented.  This may be a lil too real (adult) for kids they have to see themselve in someway or the other.

Themes involving adult love should be avoided in my opinion.  I hope my suggestions made sense because this is a nice idea, I do like the premise but just didn't feel like this was family.

I don't agree with hellsing that a film needs to have kids in it nor does it have to be about kids in order for it to be a family film.

However,  I thought this script had some good horror in it.  You did well on that score.  The idea was creepy enough and the action you wrote was nicely done.  Unfortunately, I didn't think the dialogue measured up and I found it a bit on the nose at times.    

Good job!

***OO

Well, first of all, in no way does this meet or even attempt to meet the challenge.  No festival whatsoever, and this horror is so far from family horror, it's laughable.

It is well written in many places, and is indeed frightening...even horrific.

But it's also not so well written in places.  Phil makes a good point.  The use of beats and "pause" did not work at all.  On page 1, you write, "A moment of stillness and silence.", as well as "A few moments pass."  If these moments are indeed actual minutes, then we're looking at absolutely nothing for over 4 minutes, and we're only 1/2 way through page 1!

I'm being a bit picky here, but I'm upset that no attempt was made to go along with our challenge here.  I wouldn't be surprised if this was a short that was already written and modified with Halloween going on to throw it in here.

Sorry.

I'd have to agree wth dreamscale that zero attempt was made to fit this script into the parameters of the OWC.  No festival, and probably too much blood for a Family Horror(although the definition of that term is a bit loose). And the Halloween element seemed irrelevant.

However, I actually enjoyed your spare, measured writing style.  It made for a very easy read.  You ratcheted up the tension quite well.  But, I was disappointed that there was no revelation.  The house is haunted, and we have no idea why or what exactly was in that cupboard. There was no mind-blowing twist that we always hope for in stories like this.

I did like this.  It just seems this is a story that needed more room to expand on its premise.  And I'd say it belongs more in the new, unproduced section than this OWC.

Hey Ray,

Interesting story.  But did you really have to blashemize the name of the Lord in the first bit of dialogue.   How would you like it if I used your mother's name to express contempt or disgust? I don't think she'd appreciate it...either does Jesus.  
Good luck with your future writing endeavors.

I liked the environment the writer created - the isolation of the room, the foreboding mystery and implications of something evil present but invisible and the death trap cupboard.

But what I hoped for didn't happen - the unexpected. The anticipation of David and the Mrs. disappearing did happen. Rivers of blood. End of story.  No surprises. For me, while the writer had a nice style of telling the story it wasn't much of a story and it definitely had that feeling of "seen that before."

I looked for the connection to the children's audience and the Halloween Festival, but the last minute trick or treaters didn't deliver.

Yeah, this one had no Festival, bugger all Halloween adn defintely wasn't family horror.
But it had a real sense of atmosphere and tension, so i give it some kudos there.

on epoint - i'm not a fan of action lines that have only two or three words in them. eg: 'a moment', etc.
It makes it read like a damn poem.

But good effort even if it might have been already written and modded for the challnege...

I liked your story.

Trying to move into a new house on Halloween, having marital problems, then encountering something dreadful... I liked the ending the children come trick or treating - blends well.

I wish the resolution was a bit more cheerfull and the closet explained.

I appreciated fewer characters. Helps the read and is good for a short, I think.

This would scare the bezeejus out of people, and kids might not sleep for weeks.  So therefore, I don't feel it meets the family part of the challenge.  I liked it, for what it is, but not for the whole family.  No festival either, so it missed that part of the challenge.

He got sucked into the cupboard, then his blood came flowing out the door?  Family fun.  :)  :)

Creepsville, man.  Creepsville!

This one has all of the marks of a professional writer. It's filled with suspense and I do believe it captures the horror aspect depending upon what people term, horror.

Completely solid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sandra

If you take this out of the realm of OWC I think most people would say they like the idea...and it could be a "seed" for a bigger production/story.  

It did not fit the challenge and I don't think this is family horror...I think teenagers would like it if it had teenagers in it, that say broke into this house to have a little fun and bad things started happening...

We found out at the end that the upstairs window was on the 3rd story...there is no way a ladder would fit to the 3rd story...at least a regular one...maybe a ladder from a fire truck. :)

All things that are real have to make sense...unless they aren't supposed to, but that's one of them that should :)

The house had a history...I would think...and since it looked deserted, I'm not sure anyone would come to the door and ring the bell...especially kids.

OWC challenges are to help us grow within a structured framework and this does not fit that pattern...BUT it would fit nicely in the horror short section with some rework.

That's my opinion, such as it is :)

Morgan  

Everyone seems to be revealing what they wrote, so I have decided it's time to do the same and unmask myself.

Yes, I am indeed Ray Magini - a name that may mean something to fans of "The Simpsons"!

I used the names David and Jane for the characters as a little hint, as these are the names of the actors (David Hyde Pierce and Jane Leeves) who played Niles and Daphne in the "Frasier" TV show.

And now, to respond to some of your comments.

Quoted from James McClung I liked how it relied on suspense and mystery rather than any physical antagonistic force

My intention was to create a ghost story like the kind I watched as a child, where suggestion and a few effects, could create a sense of terror, rather than have a zombie pop out of a closet and eat their brains! (Which, even if I had liked that kind of thing, which I don't, would not have met the criteria of the OWC).

Quoted from Coding Herman I really liked this. It got tension, suspense, and creepiness. Next time when I am in a room with a cupboard, I'll think about this script. An excellent job! Congrat!

Quoted from grademan Noteworthy story! Suspense well done. This is the way all scary stories should be told. Great effort.

Thank you both. This was what I was aiming for.

Quoted from dogglebe My only problem with this script dealt with the formatting, specifically with your direction.

I take your point, Phil. I will probably amend these two points before reposting this after the OWC.

Quoted from zombie sean It also felt a bit rushed, and that some of the reactions the characters gave didn't seem so realistic. The door just slammed shut and locked by itself. Yeah, David is bewildered by it, but they immediately try and think of ways to get out rather than ask themselves, "Why the hell did that just happen?" Instead, they were like, "Okay, well, let's drink some coffee and wait a while for the door to loosen up because it might be jammed."

It should be said that I was trying to suggest that Jane had ideas of what was going on, but David was trying to deny anything was happening that could not be explained. However, if this happened to me, my first thought would be escape - I'd worry why it happened later!

Quoted from hellsing3000 While the argument can be made that this couple is a family in themselves. When I read the logline I was worried that this would not necessarily be a family film. 1. There are kids in this script but only at the end. We go on this journey with a couple, not teens not a cute couple of kids but adults. Family means kids have to be included or has to be about them.

I think you misunderstood the point of the OWC. It was not to produce a horror story featuring a family, but one a family could watch. Well, that's how I took it, anyway. And I can think of TV shows, certainly, which are aimed at a family audience but do not feature kids, or even teenagers, but have adult protagonists. And which are more graphically horrific than this too!

Quoted from hellsing3000 I suggest maybe reading more family oriented scripts like the incredibles, Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, Toy Story all the Pixar films are Family films. Read these if you are not sure if it's family oriented.

Thank you for your advice.

Quoted from dreamscale Well, first of all, in no way does this meet or even attempt to meet the challenge.  No festival whatsoever, and this horror is so far from family horror, it's laughable.

We have had this debate elsewhere, Jeff - and I won't resurrect it here. Suffice to say, for those who don't know, that my stand on this issue is that the OWC entries do not have to feature a "festival" as in a carnival or a dance or whatever, but be set at the festival of Halloween. (ie 31st October)

Quoted from dreamscale I'm being a bit picky here, but I'm upset that no attempt was made to go along with our challenge here.  I wouldn't be surprised if this was a short that was already written and modified with Halloween going on to throw it in here.

Sorry you feel like this, Jeff - this was an honest attempt to write something for this OWC, which may or may not have worked. It obviously did not for you.

I would say this clearly here - this was written for the OWC. It was not something I have written previously in any form, although the idea had been in my head for a while.

Quoted from cam17 But, I was disappointed that there was no revelation.  The house is haunted, and we have no idea why or what exactly was in that cupboard. There was no mind-blowing twist that we always hope for in stories like this.

I was rather aware that I was getting close to the page limit, and in the end erred on the side of caution. I ended up with a couple of pages to spare, and really should have used them to firm things up a bit.

However, I am not particularly interested in "twists" and like the way this ended - there are hints (and should have been more), but the not knowing was what I was after.

Quoted from screenrider But did you really have to blashemize the name of the Lord in the first bit of dialogue.

Your Lord, not mine. And it's blaspheme, not blashemize, which isn't even a word.

Quoted from sandra elstree This one has all of the marks of a professional writer. It's filled with suspense and I do believe it captures the horror aspect depending upon what people term, horror. Completely solid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you, Sandra - ah, if only I were a professional though!

Quoted from mbcgirl We found out at the end that the upstairs window was on the 3rd story...there is no way a ladder would fit to the 3rd story...at least a regular one...maybe a ladder from a fire truck.

Never thought of that. Length of ladders is not something that occupies my mind much! I have had someone get onto our roof using a long ladder, so if it were a attic flat... Still, point taken.

Quoted from mbcgirl The house had a history...I would think...and since it looked deserted, I'm not sure anyone would come to the door and ring the bell...especially kids.

Another good point - it might have been an idea to have signs outside that the couple were moving in, so the house would not look deserted.

And last, but not least...

Quoted from Niles Crane This one's not too bad. It has some decent little elements that might work well on screen. It did feel as if the Halloween elements were tacked on to an already existing story though - although the ending was rather good, I thought. My main problem with it is that we don't really get to know these two characters or any real background to what has happened in the house previously. There are a few cryptic remarks thrown in, but they are easy to miss and perhaps something more concrete might have helped. I am not sure if the opening, with an empty room, would hold anyone's attention for long! This could definitely do with being cut down. It is a fairly standard "Amityville"/"Haunting" type of story, and didn't add anything new, but it was OK. I would say that it is the first one I have read so far (though hopefully not the last) that didn't seem aimed at children!

I would attend to agree with all of this, Niles! :)

Niles, I want to make it clear that I did like your script...IMO, it just didn't fit the challenge.

It was scary, creepy, and well doen for the most part.  It would make a great short outside of this OWC, with a quick rewrite.  Funny, cause I too thoght about the ladder scene and how it couldn't make sense.  Small details, though.

Solid effort and great writing!

Damn you Niles. Damn you to hell!

I reviewed as many of the OWC as time allowed and managed to miss yours. The strange thing is, I did read it and liked it. The one guy I really owe a read to is you.
You still hold my IOU buddy. Feel free to collect anytime.

Hey Niles,

I thought this was good. You had quick and easy setup, I mean, the old hunted house routine never really grows stale. About a couple of pages into it, I had a flashback to a skit Eddie Murphy did in Raw (or was it "Delirious"?), about how white people never gets it. When a house literally tells you to "GEEEEET OOOUUUT", you get the fuck out. Period. Anway, I got sidetracked there.

As you displayed quite brilliantly here, the fear of the unknown - or in the audience's case - the fear of the unseen, will always be ten times as scary as any of the crap hurled at us in those ridiculous torture porn flicks. Kudos for taking the perfect route here. As for David breaking his elbow on the window though - nah, not bloody likely. I know you had to trap them in there but c'mon. Besides, anyone (except David obviously) would've used their foot and not the elbow.

The "And this marriage" line was good - if the script had explored that. But since it's never really touched upon again (proably due to page contraints) it just seems out of place - especially since the couple (I imagine) had just bought the place and was fixing it up. Maybe she should have thought about that before buying the house...but hey, "Women, can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em".

Now, the writing itself. For the most part it was good BUT in the scenes where you really needed to step up to the plate, I'm sorry, Niles, it came apart in my book.

Example:

Quoted from A Measure of Silence pg. 3 A hand is placed on her shoulder. Old, gnarled, dead.

I know what this scene is supposed to look like but the images I get, is that of a hand placing ANOTHER hand on her shoulder. It doesn't read right and doesn't look right (my opinion of course). Just write: "An old dead hand grabs her shoulder", or something like that. Keep it active.

The same thing goes for this line:

Quoted from A Measure of Silence pg. 10 Suddenly, she is pulled from the window with force by an unseen presence.

Reading the line, the action doesn't really come off as "suddenly". Again, try to keep it active, like "Something yanks her from the window".

That's it for me. Overall I thought it was a really good read but the writing needs to be sharper in some places (imo).

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for taking the time to read this, Rob - much appreciated as always.

Quoted from rob As for David breaking his elbow on the window though - nah, not bloody likely. I know you had to trap them in there but c'mon. Besides, anyone (except David obviously) would've used their foot and not the elbow.

I was going for an implication here that a supernatural force was stopping the window breaking - obviously it would have otherwise. I have an idea of how to make this clearer, and as I plan a (minor) redraft of this before it is reposted after the OWC finishes in a few days, will probably see about incorporating this.

Thanks again for the read.

I'm a bit late Niles but you know what they say....

Anyway, I think it's been pointed out that this doesn't really make any attempt to fit the theme so I'll let that pass lol.

I actually thought this excellent and very suspensful.  The opening reminded me of something like a Jonathan Creek episode, the whole locked romm saga.  The cupboard became a focus point and despite never revealing its contents, I think it worked great.  I also loved the ending, Jane alone and unseen.

As for the actual writing, well I'm torn.  Some parts were really well written but there were times when it was a bit awkward to read, I guess this was probably down to the time restraints.  There were a few references to the viewer/reader which should be removed but overall, I liked this.  

I think you should revisit this and improve it.  Without time and page restrictions, I think you could improve this.  I'm not saying you should tell us what's in the cupboard as I think not knowing is what makes it quite a strange story.

Quoted from alffy Some parts were really well written but there were times when it was a bit awkward to read, I guess this was probably down to the time restraints.

No - I submitted this two or three days before the deadline. It has been said before that my work seems to veer between very well written and awkward! It is just me I suppose - I would say that, having not written for so long, I am still a bit rusty!

That's my excuse, anyway.

Mentioning Jonathan Creek reminds me - there is an episode in which they investigate a room you can't into and Creek has to go up a ladder and look through the window - and then a young woman disappears in the room!

It must have been in the back of my mind somewhere!

Quoted from Niles Crane Mentioning Jonathan Creek reminds me - there is an episode in which they investigate a room you can't into and Creek has to go up a ladder and look through the window - and then a young woman disappears in the room!

I know that episode...she's hiding in the cupboard!

Just to say that I have made some (slight) revisions to this script - they no longer require the world's longest ladder for example! - based on some of your helpful comments, and have just submitted the link to the new version to SS, so it should be popping up in the fullness of time.