Small Change by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama - Lucy is late for her job interview and her day is about to get even worse but help comes from unlikely places sometimes. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

**SPOILERS**

That was one hell of a pointless script. It was well written and all, but what was the point? It seems like the overall message is that when you are down, things will happen out of nowhere and make you feel better.

The woman in the script, Lucy, is someone who I despise very much. I hate her and couldn't care less about her. I don't know if you made her unlikeable on purpose, but man, she was annoying. It's obvious in the end she couldn't care less about Bill and just pretended to be happy to get the ticket.

Quoted from usaking **SPOILERS** That was one hell of a pointless script.

Not exactly constructive criticism, if you ask me.

I actually thought this script was really sweet.  It brought a smile to my face, and I think that's what the point was.

What I particularly liked about it was that the character of Lucy wasn't completely one-dimensional and evil.  Yes, she was being a horrible person, but once the man performed such a generous act it humbled her.  It reminded me of living in LA and how a lot of people here are pretty mean and nasty, but most of the time it's because they've got something going on in their life; they're not just evil.  Most people, if you treat them civilly (even if they're being mean), will show you courtesy in return.

So no, this script wasn't pointless, and it's annoying you gave such a mean review to it.

hi Stephen (sometimes i forget that is my official name too!)
Nice little 4 pager here. You set it all up well and the wrting was economical and precise.
But my major fault is that is too predictable way too early on what wil happen.
i think you need to camouflage it a bit to have more impact at the end
Just my HO and hope it helps

stevie (Stephen Francis McDonell) I hate being called Stephen so my missus does it to annoy me...

You make a few flow errors here and there, which troubles me when I think about what a feature length or any script over 30 pages would bring from you.  Little things like you "spelling" out their age for instance. The way you use a ; and then follow it up with a , ... It's a little bit of a hit and miss read.

For instance --

Late morning COMMUTERS file through the entrance. Most of
them clearly in a rush; eying their watches, some running.

BILL,fifties,disheveled, sits on the floor. Long unkempt
hair and beard. He holds an empty cup out as people walk by.

--

That's just the opening, and while some would say it's written to perfection or what have you... I find it a little tiring to read.  

Anytime you use a semicolon in a screenplay and want to extend the sentence outward, always use a hyphen instead of a colon next. Always. Proper grammar has no place in a screenplay. Screenplays are not literature and they're not works of art. They are rough, crude, short blast of information that paint a mental moving picture. The way your script flows is just as important as the words you have written down.

Use good grammar, but not strict grammar. So strict you let it influence how your script flows, basically.

All the little bits aside now --

You are one of the very few writers I see still using the line skip after a header. That's important. It unclutters your script and keeps the page white and moving along... Well, save for your clunky exposition at times.

Nothing more that I hate than reading a screenplay where the writer buttons everything up because they read a produced script and assume that's how you do it. Trottier didn't do it that way and neither do I, dammit!

Going from page 1 to 2 you should go ahead and skip the line and bring the bottom half to the next page. If you read any of my work you will notice I seldom have a scene spill onto the next page. I almost always start clean with a new scene and or lead through.  It's sloppy when you see cut off dialogue or actions that spill over into the next page when they are as fragmented as what you have at the bottom of page 1 to 2.  Just a heads up.

And again you do it at the bottom of page 3... Look, don't try your best to save space... Do your best to write in rhythm, man. There is no rule or law against spacing to the next page when you're nearing the bottom of one. Just because your software knows how to, doesn't mean you shouldn't.

you got some kinks to work out, like the end when Bill turns to looked shock??? Whatever that means, you know?  Anyways, this reads like it'd play out... Like a deep clean inner self help video.  It's like something Tony Robbins shows to his house guest before they can have drinks or play in the game room.  It has a meaning and some irony, but really... It's an exercise and nothing more.

Ste

This was ok for a 4 pager. I liked the ironic twist you took and how you succeeded in creating a pretty dislikable character in Lucy in such a short space of time, literally within the first two pages.

I was liking the piece quite a bit up until the embrace, maybe I'm a cold hearted SOB but this was way too corny for me. It felt like an advert or something, for what I don't know but it had that glowing feel good, things-wrapped-up-nicely element to it that you get from today's naff commercialism.

It seemed like the train was waiting at the station for ages, between Lucy getting up on to the platform, begging for money (great scene by the way, really drove home the roles reversal theme) coming back down, Bill buying a ticket and handing it to her, they having their moment and then Lucy getting on the train. A minute or two would have passed in that time, would the train not have long departed?

Anyway good theme here but a shame about the endingin my opinion. I would've loved to have seen Lucy still miss the train anyway, thus the ticket being a waste of money for Bill, adding salt in the wound of his current disposition. Or after the embrace, Lucy getting on the train to find to find a personal belonging has gone missing, something like her mobile phone, since we see her talking on it at the beginning. Just an idea.

Col.

Thanks everyone for the read and thanks Don for posting. This was written for a screenwriting course I've been attending.

Conditions were - max. 5 pages, only one location (from a selection by the tutor), max. two speaking parts, a man and woman must meet during the script.

Anyway, onto your thoughts.

usaking

Yes, Lucy is supposed to be unlikeable but as the stress of the situation crumbles her, there's supposed to be a growing empathy for her. We've all been late for something and stressed.

Dressel

Cheers. Yeah, that's kind of the message I was going for. I wanted to show that anybody could end up in the position that Bill is in. This isn't the sort of script I normally write, I was kind of affected by knowing that the script was going to be read out loud in front of 20 odd people. I don't know in what way it affected me but this isn't really the sort of thing I normally do.

stevie

Pleased you liked the writing man. I'm not sure if you mean I gave too much away in the logline or through the beginning of my script. If it's the logline, that's fair enough I'm terrible at writing them. If it's the start of the script can you give me an example. Most people who have read this were expecting a dark ending and seemed to like the happy ending.

Baltis

Are you meaning how I go, for example;

Bill watches, dumbfounded, as Lucy walks off to the -

---Next Page----

TICKET MACHINE

-----------------------------------------

I don't really see where the problem is with that. I've read a couple of your scripts and know you know what you're talking about though, so this just be something I haven't picked up on. By 'skipping the line', do you mean starting the next page with 'Bill watches, dumbfounded..."?

col

You pick on the two problems I had with the script really. A bit too corny and the train is waiting a hell of a long time. I tried to tone down the cornyness by having the "...Fuck you" line. She's basically saying and doing what Bill secretly wants to do. The amount of time the train is in the station I can get away with by the excuse of 'Driver shift swap'.

Pleased the majority saw some positives in this anyway.

Thanks

Ste

POSSIBLE SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Hi Steven. No, waht i meant was it was fairly obvious once the two characters were intro'ed that they would engage by scripts end.
I feel you needed not to make it so. It might''ve been just me, I dunno.
I had no fault with the end or anything just the predictablity of the premise.  Cheers

Quoted from stebrown Baltis Are you meaning how I go, for example; Bill watches, dumbfounded, as Lucy walks off to the - ---Next Page---- TICKET MACHINE ----------------------------------------- I don't really see where the problem is with that. I've read a couple of your scripts and know you know what you're talking about though, so this just be something I haven't picked up on. By 'skipping the line', do you mean starting the next page with 'Bill watches, dumbfounded..."?

Yes, that's exactly what I mean... A lot of writers tend to think they need to squeeze every last bit of white out of their page, but they don't have to.  If you have dialogue that stops at the bottom of a page and says "CONT" and then finishes up on the next page -- Space the Character Cue down or do away with the dialogue all together. It looks tacky and it's cumbersome to read.

I've no problems with how well you write -- You write very good. Very descriptive, if not a little on the nose. What I have a problem with is when you have 1 solid, fluid action on a page that carries over to the next page. For ease of reading you should group it all together. Make it 1 mental picture for the reader and split it up over two pages, regardless of how close together the paragraph or sentence or action is to each other.

So next time --


Bill watches, dumbfounded, as Lucy walks to the TICKET MACHINE.

not


Bill watches, dumbfounded, as Lucy walks off to the -

---Next Page----

TICKET MACHINE

Also take out the "OFF" it slows your pace down. As noted above... You see how I took it out? Read yours and read it without. See how well it flows?

Hope my comments did what they were suppose to and not discourage you in anyway... that's the one thing I wish people would understand more about me. It's not that I'm a prick or an asshole or I'm trying to discredit any one script over my own.  It's simply that I want the quality of work here to be of a set standard and with enough blunt force trauma "if you will" we can have that.

Hi Ste,

I thought it was a decent script and thought it was worth the read.  We've all been in a bad position trying to get somewhere important and you portrayed Lucy perfectly.

I pretty much was in the same boat as Dressel, especially:

Quoted from dresseme ... So no, this script wasn't pointless, and it's annoying you gave such a mean review to it.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from Baltis. Hope my comments did what they were suppose to and not discourage you in anyway... that's the one thing I wish people would understand more about me. It's not that I'm a prick or an asshole or I'm trying to discredit any one script over my own.  It's simply that I want the quality of work here to be of a set standard and with enough blunt force trauma "if you will" we can have that.

Don't worry about that Balt, your comments are helpful. My writing has come a long way in the two years or so I've been on this site. If you happen to run into one of my earlier scripts you'll see that. Hopefully over the next couple of years my scripts will be better still.

Thanks

Thanks for the read again Javier.

The script served the purpose as far as the course goes. There is an advanced screenwriting course starting in January - this one was an introduction to screenwriting - so I think I will probably do that. A lot of the course I've just finished was stuff I already knew, things from screenwriting books etc, that I've read. So hopefully the other course will be more challenging.

This gets a thumbs up from me Stebrown.

As soon as we see the homless bum and the buisness woman both after change, it's obvious where we will end up with your story.

But even just the juxtapostion of the homeless and a career woman begging for change was worth the read alone.

The ending was a tad bit to sappy and Disney for my taste and you missed an oppurtunity to explore a " you don't know what's it like to you've walked in my shoes" theme but, hey as a five page exercise you did real good. I hope the teacher marked an A on your paper.

PS: Just read the posts above and totally agree with Colkurtz. Rubbing the salt in the wound is what this story needs. A brillant suggestion for the ending.    

Despite some reservations, I liked this script. You built a solid story for five pages. I don't think it matters that we know how it ends, because it's the journey that counts. It is also very hard to surprise the audience in five pages. So no quams there.

I think the woman's choice of words hurts the sentimental aspect of this script, which is really the only selling point. Is it so necessary for her to sound like a truck driver inorder to show us she is a bitch? I think the actions which you wrote into your story are enough to make that point. We start to feel sorry for her than she opens her mouth and suddenly we are reminded she is a bitch who deserves what she gets. I would strongly advise you tone done her dialogue or get read of it altogether.

Also, for me the most important moment was what the homeless man did for the woman. You should have described in detail how he walks up to the machine and puts in the only money he owns for that selfish B woman. That is for me the best scene in the film and you totally left it out.

Anyways as it is right now, it is a solid story, but it could be better. Still good job, I look forward to reading more of your work.
  

Quoted from usaking **SPOILERS** That was one hell of a pointless script. It was well written and all, but what was the point? It seems like the overall message is that when you are down, things will happen out of nowhere and make you feel better. The woman in the script, Lucy, is someone who I despise very much. I hate her and couldn't care less about her. I don't know if you made her unlikeable on purpose, but man, she was annoying. It's obvious in the end she couldn't care less about Bill and just pretended to be happy to get the ticket.

Really? This review I find pointless and petty. And I hardly consider a person coming to another persons aid "something that happens out of no where". Maybe it is where your from mate.

I remember commenting on this script in an earlier form when  you posted it in the WIP (if I recall correctly).

The basic premise remains the same, but you have successfully dealt with the problems it had then, and I liked this new version a lot.

The train could easily have been at the station for this length of time - if this was the end of the line, and it required a new driver before starting off on it's outward journey, it could easily have waited a lot longer.

I did wonder how Bill knew her destination as she doesn't mention it in her telephone dialogue - I think I preferred the original ending, where the beggar comes up to her and gives her the money to this one - but that's my only real quibble with this.

Nice little story and moral.

Pretty much, I have to pretty much mimic what Kurtz was saying.

-It was well written, but it took too much of a fluff tone for my taste.
-Also, I did like her begging, but I think it was almost forced, it seemed.
-Last, I agree that it would've been nicer (more... not thought-provoking, but something akin to that) if the train took off while she was begging, or once she got the ticket that the train would have left. Then, she would've learned a lesson, but it would've cost her something.

6.5/10.

Hey Ste

I thought this was OK.  There wasn't much of a story but a pretty decent message in there and for that, I liked it.  No real issues with it, nice little uplifting story.

Nice script. Reminded me of a short called the "Lunch Date"

"I'm not normally such a bitch..."

Yeah right.

Is it me? Or am I the only one that thinks Bill using the only money he had to buy a ticket for someone who called him an idiot...a little...generous? As, intially I thought he had found a dicarded ticket (being homeless and all).

Thanks everyone for the reads, sorry it's taken a while to respond.

Quoted from 24 Grams Is it me? Or am I the only one that thinks Bill using the only money he had to buy a ticket for someone who called him an idiot...a little...generous? As, intially I thought he had found a dicarded ticket (being homeless and all).

It's a fair point Grams, and was one of my main doubts for the script. I figure the guy just sees her standing up for herself when she's in the same position as he is - in a way, and respects that. It's what he wants to do himself. That's why he buys her the ticket. But yeah, I agree that it's a bit of a stretch.

As I go:

Thoughts:

As you can see, I didn't write anything as I went.  This was a really fun, quick read.  Maybe a little TOO fun and quick.  Haha -- I'll explain what I mean...

usaking called this script "pointless" and got a lot of s*** for it.  I'm going to go ahead and agree.  It's pointless.  Lucy was given a gift that she did not deserve.  This happens all the time in real life but it is not drama.  Lucy has been humbled but she has been changed by an exterior force -- she has not worked to change herself.  The bum, in fact, makes the decision at the second-act turning point, but he was a nice guy at the start and he's a nice guy at the end...he doesn't change either.  There is no conflict in this script that is not superficial.  Because Lucy is simply given a gift that she does not have to work for, she is taught nothing about herself, and, consequently, we the audience are taught nothing about ourselves.  This script is, in fact, pointless.

It is also superficially heartwarming, and well-written.  There is nothing wrong with either of these things.  But as storytellers we MUST offer the audience something of spiritual substance, and I find none here.

Thanks for the read Heretic.

I have to disagree with you about it being pointless.

Firstly, there is a change in Bill's character. He's begging for money at the start and then, seeing someone else in his situation, becomes the good samaritan. In a way the script itself is just a retelling of 'The Good Samaritan'.

Lucy's character goes through the most change. She's aloof, arrogant to start off with. As you say, she gets humbled, but what Bill likes is the fact that she tells the people who ignore her exactly what HE thinks of them. She's saying what he wishes he had the balls to.

I don't agree with you about there being a problem with change by an external force. An external force has caused her to make internal changes. As long as there is change in a story then I don't see the problem with it. Fair enough, it's better if the change has come through the protagonist making a strong effort but I believe this still works.

Pleased you found it well written and a fun, quick read. This isn't really what I wanted to write for the course it was aimed at but it was the only idea that I got to work in time.

Ste

Heretic:"The bum, in fact, makes the decision at the second-act turning point, but he was a nice guy at the start and he's a nice guy at the end...he doesn't change either."

You are confusing two concepts. One is called Character and the other is called Characterization. Character is the persons true nature in isn't necessarily related to his characterization. Characterization is a a persons, habbits/ personality that makes him unique. I might have known the homeless man was a nice guy, but I didn't know he was an Altruist  until WE (audience) sees him sacrifce his money for the b***.

Heretic:Look back in movies, the main characters rarely change. What changes is their perception (but not always), of the world not necessiarly their personality, i.e. Indiana Jones, Forest Gump, Joker, Batman, superman, John Mclane (Die Hard), etc etc...

"The bum, in fact, makes the decision at the second-act turning point, but he was a nice guy at the start and he's a nice guy at the end...he doesn't change either.  There is no conflict in this script that is not superficial."

Heretic this short only has one act. Feature length scripts have three acts, but shorts like this are a single act story. I don't where you saw a second act turning point, because I don't think one exist.

Also, there is drama in his short movie. That is what makes a good story. Conflict is drama but drama isn't necessarily conflict but conflict comes in different forms. One is external conflict and the one is internal. I think you are saying this short doesn't have enough external conflict. True but it has alot of internal conflict.

Hi Ste,

I liked what you said about Lucy telling people what Bill wants to tell them.  I think that's interesting.  However, I didn't personally pick up on that idea in the script.

Of course there is no problem with change by external force but there must be an effort from within as well.  Bill's humbling act should be the moment of realization that brings Lucy to make a choice towards the "right" thing to do.  A means to an end, not an end.  Otherwise, I think that the story will always be un-fulfilling.

Hi IM,

The idea of storytelling is to show a fundamental change in character; or, if you like, in a character's perception of the world.  I don't really see the distinction here...

Indy's flaw is that he has no faith.  In the end of Raiders, he is a believer.

All stories have three acts.  I won't give an example here because I think this is pretty clear-cut.

All drama is conflict.  Of course there is drama in this short script -- it would be extremely hard to write a script without any conflict in it.  To me, however, there is only unsettled conflict, due to the lack of such a sequence as I described above, and because of that, "pointless" drama.  I'm not saying I don't see the potential -- in character, premise, and yes, conflict -- for a good moral story here.  I do however believe that at this stage the story is unfinished.  

Hi Heretic nice to meet you. Alot of newbe writers have trouble with the concept of character.

Heretic:
The idea of storytelling is to show a fundamental change in character; or, if you like, in a character's perception of the world.  I don't really see the distinction here...

IM:
Not necessarily. Umm writing is about revealing the true nature of your characters. In the beginning the audience won't know your protagonist until he is force to make tough decisions.
Each decision he makes reveals a little more of his true nature a.k.a. character.

Characterization is the profile of the character: How he eats, how he talks, how he makes love, what he believes in ie God or allah whatever. That's characterization of the character and it describes the external persona of that person.

Even if Indie became a believer (being a non believer is IMO not a character flaw) that doesn't change the core of who Indie is as a character. If Indies character changed in every movie, he would become a very complicated person making him hard to relate to. For people are naturally very complex. Indie is brave, shrewed, intelligent, impulsive etc. That is consistent in every movie. It never changes. That is the core of his character.

Heretic:
All stories have three acts.  I won't give an example here because I think this is pretty clear-cut.


IM:
That's not true. Many stories don't have three acts. Shakespearian stories have around 5, and most good short films have only 1. You can't put 4 major turning points in a 5 page script.

In short changed, what were the four major turning points? Include the Inciting incident, Act one climax, act two climax, and act three climax.

Heretic:
All drama is conflict.  Of course there is drama in this short script -- it would be extremely hard to write a script without any conflict in it.  To me, however, there is only unsettled conflict, due to the lack of such a sequence as I described above, and because of that, "pointless" drama.

IM:
Okay will I respect your opinion, but I advise you to watch short films that are winners in the Canne's and Sundance Film festivals because short change has many of the same motifs.

That's why I believe his script is good.  

Hi IM,

Nice to meet you too.  

You may be making some assumptions about me.  Maybe it's the Hilary Duff avatar :).

We perceive some aspects of storytelling differently.  That's fine.  That's it for me for now though.  I'm sure we'll exchange points of view again in another, more suitable thread!

Quoted from Heretic Hi Ste, I liked what you said about Lucy telling people what Bill wants to tell them.  I think that's interesting.  However, I didn't personally pick up on that idea in the script.

The surprised smile when he hears her shout at the moustached man.

Quoted from Heretic We perceive some aspects of storytelling differently.  That's fine.  That's it for me for now though.  I'm sure we'll exchange points of view again in another, more suitable thread!

When you call a script pointless and someone else disagrees then that's a suitable thread. But yeah, I think it's best just to agree to disagree

IM

This is actually 3 acts, at least that's what the course lecturer asked for and he didn't say I'd failed when reading it out. I think the acts are a little more subtle in a short like this, in a similar way to how good scenes have 3 acts or more. Build up - Development - Resolution.

There's a thread in the WIP section about this, that has my synopsis which highlights the act breaks. Some amendments were made but I think the structure's still the same.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown IM This is actually 3 acts, at least that's what the course lecturer asked for and he didn't say I'd failed when reading it out. I think the acts are a little more subtle in a short like this, in a similar way to how good scenes have 3 acts or more. Build up - Development - Resolution. There's a thread in the WIP section about this, that has my synopsis which highlights the act breaks. Some amendments were made but I think the structure's still the same. Ste

Hey Stepbrown I will check out. I read your script again to make sure I didn't miss anything. What I will say about your script is that it does have mulitple turning points so kudos to that.  

Quoted from Heretic Hi IM, Nice to meet you too.   You may be making some assumptions about me.  Maybe it's the Hilary Duff avatar :). We perceive some aspects of storytelling differently.  That's fine.  That's it for me for now though.  I'm sure we'll exchange points of view again in another, more suitable thread!

Heretic I didn't make any assumptions about you. You said you didn't see the distinction between character and his perception, and that was why I gave you in indepth analysis of the two concepts.