The House of Homer Bergman by Micah Gerger - Thriller - After agreeing to take what appeared to be a simple murder case, a prominent defense attorney must dig deep into the lurid history of the Bergman family to find the truth... Inspired by Fyodor Dostoevsky's towering literary achievement - the Brothers Karamazov. 127 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey!  

I read through the first twenty pages and I think you're off to a great start.  There were a few things that stuck out to me:

pg. 4.  "Rothberg lets this sinks in..."  Shouldn't that be Dax?

pg. 7 Carla, "sure you do(n't) want this?"  does she make a reappearance later in the film?  If not, I wouldn't bother naming her, or if she does, you should probably introduce her.  CARLA, ...

p. 13 confused me a bit.  First off, how do we know that he's talking to a girl?  In the action line, you write, "...she hangs up. "  There's no voice-over to clue us in.  
Then, in that same sentence, "he makes another call..."
reading back on this, it makes sense, but reading through the first time made me do a double take.

"He makes another call."  should be another beat, therefore, it should have its own paragraph.  He ends the call -- break -- He makes a new call.  One action -- break -- next action  (the way I think of it.)

I couldn't tell if Deandre is a boy ot a girl, until 2 pages later.

I can't see Dax smiling when he listens to Samia's voice message greeting.  To me, that would be just creepy.  especially, since he brought her to his fiancee's apt.  

anyway.  that's all i have for now.  i will try to read more today...

Hey thanks for the feedback - I really appreciate it.  There is certainly a lot of polishing work to be done and I can't wait until I have time to dive back into a final edit so please feel free to let me know what else you catch - it's always great to get a fresh perspective!  

Cheers,

Micah

sure!  i know what it's like to anxiously await for responses and comments.  i'm waiting as we speak for my piece!  lol.  oh, i def. know what it's like to not have time to write!  

Normally, if you want to emphasize a word in a dialogue, you should underline the word, instead of capsing.  

when a character makes a first appearance, his name is CAPsed.  DAX BERGMAN, late 20s....

wait...how old is dax?  how can alex be the oldest brother?  he's only 21.  so, that makes dax and ian somewhere 18-20?  when you introduced dax, you wrote:

Sadness and exhaustion hang in his
battered face. He looks older than 28, but his fiery eyes
tell the truth.

this is very vague.  i thought dax was 28.  

i would avoid using, "CLOSE ON ...."  it's a camera direction.  in a spec, you want to maintain the feel that you're reading a story.  if you put in camera directions, you take the reader out of that moment.  

one way of achieving this is to use CAPs.  

CLOSE ON NAME PLATE: WALTER TURTURRO - DISTRICT ATTORNEY

instead, maybe write --

Dax approaches a polished wooden door.  On the

DOOR is a NAME TAG

that reads, "WALTER TURTURRO -- DISTRICT ATTORNEY."

When you use CAPS, it indirectly directs the reader's attention or focus.  

(thinking on this, i need to go back and revise MY writing!  lol)

i really like the dialogue.  esp. the one between rothberg and walter.  good job on that!

pg. 40 -- EXT. VETERINARY CLINIC - CONTINUOUS -- how can that be continuous?  the previous scene was in rothberg's office.

pg. 45 -- "splattering it’s (ITS) brains on the mother."

PG. 48--  the dual conversations.  i think when you have two columns with dialogues next to eachother, they're meant to be spoken simulatenously.  i'm not sure that's what you're going for.  i would write it out like your normal dialogue and maybe make it obvious that dax and samia are talking to eachother.  

plus that way, there's no question that the wild applause is for homer.  the way that it's aligned, it looks like they're applauding dax and samia.  

i like the story, thus far!  i still haven't finished it (it's hard for me to finish a story in one sitting).  i'm not familiar with "The Brothers Karamazov," so I can't make any real comparisons.  it definitely needs a little sprucing up, but i think you have a good script on your hands!  

i'll try to finish it in my next sitting!  good job on it :)

hey thanks for the feedback - I made some adjustments and modified the ending and have already received three offers from different production companies - hoping to find a good fit here in the next month or so.  Good luck to you!

FYI - I'll be submitting the final copy tonight in case anyone wants to read the polished version