Charlie and the Mushketeers by Jonathan Morales (shogun) - Short, Comedy - Charlie is spending his sixth birthday at Chucky Cheeses with his friends. Newly fired Kurtis forgets to take all his belongings leaving a bag of mushrooms laying on the kitchen floor. Guess what Charlie just ordered… 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Okay, your very first page confused me beyond belief. For instance, why is your first slug line "EXT/INT. CHUCKEE CHEESE - LATE AFTERNOON?" Are you trying to go inside and outside of chuckee cheese constantly? If so, you should have one scene that is INT and a seperate one that is EXT. I know it takes a lot of time to put that stuff up, I am using the same technique in a script I am writing right now, but it has to be done.

When characters are first introduced, they need to be CAPITALIZED. A very important rule.

I believe the correct term is (O.S.) when someone is not on screen. I think (O.C.) is wrong, but I could be mistaken.

There are many parts of the dialogue where commas are needed. Have you read this script out loud to yourself? It doesn't sound right.

"CONTINUED:" is not needed on every page. Make sure to get rid of that.

As I look further into the dialogue, it is clear there are many words missing question marks at the end of them as well. I am starting to wonder if English is your first language.

The dialogue didn't feel right at all. I can't imagine a cop speaking the way yours did.

Overall, the story was okay. I laughed a few times, which is pretty good becuase I don't laugh a lot at comedy scripts. The biggest problem you have is the punctuation errors. Those really need to be fixed. Most of it is in your dialogue.

Jonathan, where do I begin. I noticed the same things that usaking noticed and then some. The mistakes are way too numerous to list. Biggest one on the first page; not introducing your characters in caps. You had many words left out, misspellings etc. These are all things that can be easily fixed with a good grooming. I thought your basic storyline was very sound and funny. The premise was good and I think you have potentially a very funny short here with some work.  Good luck with it.  Marvin.

Thanks guy,

Yeah i I didn't really proofread, I wrote it kind of fast and just submitted it for feed back on the story. I'm glad to see that you both found it funny. English is my first language, it's just that when I get to write it is usually late at night because of school. The EXT/INT thing I'm not sure about but someone told me that I could do that to show the location outside as like an establishing shot. They couldn't been wrong. The Continued thing the software did, it bothered me to.

Some Cops talk like that, like the younger ones but yeah i'll probably give it another go over.

THANKS,

Jon Morales

the 'INT/EXT' is correct to use...so dont worry about it, just keep writing new drafts and correcting yourself, some ppl on here take the critising a little too far and act like they are the best