Blind Dateline by Jonathan Morales (shogun) - Short, Comedy - Jeremy is just a delivery boy who has the wrong house. The people in the house have the wrong guy. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

shogun...

So this is what we got here... another dateline NBC spin-off.  Fair enough.  Whatever you set out to do... IMO you didn't succeed.  Will get to your story in a second.  As long as it took you to write this, did you bother to run spell check or proofread this yourself?

Some of your sluglines are out of whack.  The way you have certain scenes written, some really should be EXTERIOR instead of INTERIOR and vice versa.  For example on page#3  "STONER'S HOUSE and HORNY GIRLS." both should be EXT. shots initially, the way I see it.

Page#4, I'd loose one of those, INT.  JEREMY'S CAR - CONTINOUS.  Speaking of that, this whole page needs to be re-done, seriously.  When Jeremy arrives at the location, kisses the Condom and the guy walking his dog catches him.  The exchange that follows, had me scratching my head.

Don't bold your dialogue.  "He gets into his card,"  You mean "Car."

I'd re-think the whole brain scene.   Just a few things I wanted to highlight but there is much more.  You maybe a good writer but based on this little piece, the writing is not good.

Is this salvagable, yes if you cut out a few scenes that absolutely have nothing to do with the story and tweak the rest IMO.

Focus on your writing more and learning the format. You were in a rush to get this puppy out.  "But I could be wrong, others may think this is the "best short they've ever read."
Good Luck

Ghostwriter

I skimmed this one as well and was not going to weigh in, as my comments in "First Base" basically apply here.

You actually have a slug titled "INT. HORNY GIRL", and while most of us would view this as the promised land, it's not correctly formatted.

AJr

Quoted from ajr ...You actually have a slug titled "INT. HORNY GIRL", and while most of us would view this as the promised land, it's not correctly formatted.

;D Yeah, that's pretty damn funny right there.

~Pete

Ok this is even worse than the previous short of yours I just read. Mate, seriously did you even read this yourself before you sent it off to Don? This reads like a 5 minute job and there are numerous mistakes that would be picked up by kindergarten level kids. I'm not tryng to be harsh for no reason but this is a forum for writers and you are putting your name on work that shows next to no ability to write coherently.

There are too many mistakes to list, the ending of the story makes no sense to me and overall this is just a mess. My advice is to read some actual screenplays and see how they are written and put some time and effort into editing your work before submitting to this site. You are asking people to take the time to read your work, you could at least put the effort in yourself to make it professional.

Cheers,
Tim.

I had a hard time getting off the first page, with a number of grammatical/typographical errors and an imbalance of adjectives.

For example - "Ext/Int. Random Pizzeria."  You couldn't give it a generic name like Mike's Pizza?  And "almost abandoned" - isn't there a better way to say "beat up, old, and an eyesore"?

And how can someone "look to be a customer only to be an employee"?

What lost my interest was the "inside homeless people relax" and Jeremy walks up to a "ethic person" in tbe back.  The first is hard to visualize without details (are they grimey and sitting next to shopping carts?).  And the latter is an obvious typo combined with an overly vague description.

I wouldn't be as harsh as some of the folks ahead of me (I'm still new to screenwriting), but you might want to try proofreading before posting it online, especially if you're going to write short screenplays.  In shorts, every word has to count, and none of them can distract the reader - and typos and vague adjectives do that.

Wow man you gotta double check your work. I'm no spelling bee champ but there are some pretty big errors in here. But don't let it get you down. It's just that it's hard to stay engaged when you have to go back and think of what you meant to say. To be fair though, people here are a little too uptight about the formatting like. By the way, who decides which script is the unproduced script of the day?

being that i wrote a script recently entitled "to molest a molestor" which was a dateline spoof, i figured id take a look. unfortunately our scripts have nothing in common because i actually put some thought into it. i hate to sound pretentious, but this was bad...really bad. did you just write this because you wanted to film horny girls? because this script reads like it was written by a bunch of middle school boys who fantasize about sex (yet never touched a girl).

to be honest with you, my post would be totally different if you had decided to proof read your work. you disrespect yourself and us when you post scripts with numerous spelling errors and grammar mistakes.

after you fix the spelling/grammar, work on the story. make it more interesting and clever. and get rid of the sausage joke. its tired, lazy, and cliched.

I read this entire script.  That, in itself, is an accomplishment.  I truly wanted to stop reading after the first page, but for some reason my stupidity took over and I finished the script.  All I have to say is, "What the hell did I just read?"

Maybe someone can explain this to me.  I was completely lost the entire time.  The script is all over the place.  Nothing is formatted correctly and the grammar is of an elementary child.  Sorry.  This one did nothing for me.