Judgement Train by Paul Thornton - Short, Drama - As a train fast approaches a station platform, a woman has seconds to decide a stranger’s fate.  8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Too the writer...

Don't recognize your name.  Your logline was interesting so I gave this ago.  I would give atleast the first woman and also the man a name.  Really.  Your very first paragraph, I'd really break that up.  Or atleast in half.  I took one look at that and almost hit closed.

I think your others will fly.  A few grammical errors but nothing that stood out too much because your story, I'm still mixed on that.  I had to read this twice.  "No spoilers."  I don't do them.  IMO you saved yourself at the end of this.

Interesting concept though.  You need to tighten up your writing.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

Paul , I would have to agree with Ghostwriter on the first paragraph, but after it you were fine. Other than maybe a few mistakes I thought it was well written. I liked the story. Good concept, enjoyed the read.  Godd luck with it.  Marvin.

First off, I think we should thank ghost. He has no work posted here and he reads almost every short, regardless of whether the author is a regular or has given reviews of their own (HINT, HINT FOR THOSE OF YOU WITH POSTED SHORTS AND LOW POST TOTALS).

Sorry Paul for using your thread as a platform - now on to the review:

Ghost is right about the opening paragraph. Even if you break this where it's natural (when you introduce the man), I count five and half lines to describe a woman on a train platform reading a book. If you can't do this in two, maybe two and half if she actually does something (yawns, makes a facial expression, etc.), then it's overwritten.

And as ghost said, if the first paragraph is the one that's overwritten you run the risk of having the reader say "pass".

Okay, I'm getting back on the soapbox again. I get the feeling that new posters, especially with shorts, write their first draft, maybe proof it for spelling, and then post it. You must scrutinize every word before you expose your work to criticism.

Case in point - the phrase "a typical commuter" - what does that mean? I'm from Queens, NY. Many of our readers here are from the UK. Others are from all over the US. We each have a different picture in our mind of what that would look like.

In other words, it's not a book. In a book it's okay for each of us to take a different image away from the words we read. Here, you are in charge of the images. Don't make me as the reader, or later on, should you be so lucky, the director, do the heavy lifting.

Off the box again - back to the story:

You describe the man's wardrobe, his hair, his style of eyeglasses - too much. This is a short. A director's not going to put out a casting call to match this very detailed description. So why waste valuable script space on it?

We want a sense of this guy - height maybe, a facial feature or two, maybe something physical about him that gives us a glimpse of how he will behave later on - and that's it.

Overall, I don't buy the premise (SPOLIERS). If the guy's a child molester, then I want him to jump. So we as readers really don't care about his fate. So now, you need to write this through the point of view of the woman and examine the difficult circumstance she's in. It's not about the guy telling his story, because you've lost us. Remember, we want him to jump.

The second problem you have with this is the man's motivation. How can he be so out of control and weak-willed as to give in to his worst impulses, and then turn around and be so manipulative and in control with the woman. It doesn't jive. It seems to me you wanted to set up a "Saw-like" premise, in which someone has to choose this or that. It just doesn't work with these characters and this back story.

Other story holes: how is the woman preventing him from jumping going to "save his wretched soul"? If he doesn't jump now, he's going to jail. He just confessed to a crime, no?

And why can't she call the police if the train is five minutes away? He says "if you walk away I'll jump". What, onto empty tracks with the train still five minutes away? The guy in the ticket booth can radio to the train to stop, or re-route it, etc. Plenty can happen in five minutes.

"It's not a girl - even more disgusting" - what, like molesting a nine-year-old girl is somehow better for a heterosexual man?

Okay, the good news is that you threw in a nice little twist at the end and now the question of caring about the man's fate is answered - he manipulates the woman and her decision now haunts her. Again though, it's a bit contrived that the man would confess to the mother of the child he molested. And why wouldn't she call the cops?

Sorry to go on and on about this - I just think that sometimes an idea that's not fully examined from all angles falls short of being an actual story. For this to work, you need to delve into the woman (give her a name, maybe?) and make us feel the anguish she would feel knowing that (a) her child was molested and (b) she "saved" the man who did it. THAT'S a decent premise; but your story does not let it unfold well enough.

AJR

Ghostwriter - thanks for the read, much appreciated. I clearly need to work some on that opening paragraph. I find setting up the story/characters and the urge to get into the dialogue/action a difficult balancing act with a Short - in fact, its the biggest challenge I have with Shorts. With features you can let the characters develop over time, with Shorts I want to try to give readers a satisfactory impression without overdoing it. I thought I'd cracked it with this one - the fact you nearly gave up on it after seeing the opening paragraph...clearly not. Bad, bad, bad! Back to the drawing board on those first few sentences. Glad you liked the concept. Completely understand you were mixed on it - given the concept and topic, I kinda expected some of that....thought for many I'd either pull it off, or I simply wouldn't. Anyway thanks again.
Marvin - cheers fella for the read. Confirmation that the opening paragraph needs tearing up and starting again! So pleased you liked the concept and enjoyed the read.
AJR - wow, for 8 pages worth of story that's some impressive volume of feedback. Really appreciate the time you spent on that. Have to dash now, but will post another reply later as I feel that level of feedback deserves some response.

Hey Thornton,

I see from the previous feedback that the huge chunks of text have already been covered, along with typos etc. Heed the advice about over-describing and just focus on tightening up your writing, and you'll do fine. (oh, and name the characters).

Onto the script itself. This is your first attempt at writing a short? Kudos, give yourself a pat on the back, cos it's far better than my first attempt, believe me. The story is solid, edgy and compelling - it's a shame that the opening paragraph will put so many people off, because it's well worth a read.

Have a play around with it, tighten it up, and you'll have a fine short on your hands that you can be proud of. Would be pretty easy to film too!

Keep at it buddy,


Craig

Hey Craig,

Good to hear from you fella! Thanks for that review - that's made my weekend! Yea, first attempt at a Short, so I'm well chuffed with the feedback. Some really good advice that I'll be taking on board. Can't find these bloody typos/grammaticals that have been mentioned though - I must be going word-blind. I'll be doing another 5 or 6 Shorts reviews over the next week. Would be happy to do another of yours, if you'd like - let me know which one.

Cheers again,
T

No worries buddy,


If you get chance I'd love you to read the first episode of my comedy series called spiritual connections (each ep is about 20 pages). If that's too long, take your pick from any of the shorts in my sig.

And yes, it's amazing how easily stuff is missed when reading through your own work!

craig

Just read this one. What was really freaky about this is that I have read the exact same story before. I just can't remember if it was a script or a short story. Not accusing you of plagiarism or anything, just saying it's freaky close to that other one I read about a year or so ago.

Anyway, onto your short.

The chunky beginning has been mentioned before, but I thought I'd try to give an example of how you could trim the text and break it up more into individual shots. The first text is how you wrote it

"A WOMAN stands absorbed by the book she is reading as she waits for a train. She is early to mid-thirties, mildly attractive, petite...a typical commuter in her smart suit and soft leather bag. There’s another two commuters at the other end of the platform, but no-one else within fifty yards of the woman. A MAN approaches. He is in his forties, dressed casually in jeans, a polo-shirt and corduroy jacket. He pulls a small suitcase. His hairline is receding and he wears gold-rimmed spectacles. Despite the emptiness of the platform he stands near the woman. He glances at his watch.


A WOMAN (30's) mildly attractive, petite. A typical commuter in her smart suit and soft leather bag stands absorbed by the book she's reading as she waits for a train.  

Two other commuters stand at the other end of the platform. No-one else is within fifty yards of the woman.

A MAN (40's) receding hairline, gold spectacles, dressed casually in jeans, a polo-shirt and corduroy jacket approaches. He pulls a small suitcase. Despite the emptiness of the platform he stands near the woman. He glances at his watch."


It says pretty much the same thing, but is easier and faster to read.

I agree with the others that it would be nice with names.

As I read, I was wondering why the man has a suitcase?

If the man has done this before, since he talks to a second woman later, why would he tell the woman this was the first time? If he's confessing to child molestation he wants to be forgiven, so why lie about that?

The woman "forgiving" him didn't really work for me. As a mother of three, I would've called the cops right away. I can't see any woman suggesting he goes to seek help and that's it.

Other than that, the twist was good and I'm glad it ended the way it did.

Hope this helps.  :)

And I agree with AJR about Gostwriter!!!

I enjoyed the story very much, though I think it could be told a little better. As others said, before me, you need to cut back on the descriptions a little. Tighten things up.

Quoted Text A WOMAN stands absorbed by the book she is reading as she waits for a train. She is early to mid-thirties, mildly attractive, petite…a typical commuter in her smart suit and soft leather bag. There’s another two commuters at the other end of the platform, but no-one else within fifty yards of the woman. A MAN approaches. He is in his forties, dressed casually in jeans, a polo-shirt and corduroy jacket. He pulls a small suitcase. His hairline is receding and he wears gold-rimmed spectacles. Despite the emptiness of the platform he stands near the woman. He glances at his watch.

could easily be told as:

Quoted Text JENNIFER (30) stands at the end of the empty train platform, reading. DANIEL slowly steps up to her.  He seems nervous.  Shameful.

The character descriptions are overly excessive. Unless it's required, you should keep descriptions to a minimum. And by giving them names, the reader can relate to them a little better.

The dialog can be tightened up a little bit, too.  The characters are talking in circles a little bit.  By tightening the script, you an shorten the script by 20%, maybe.


Phil

Me,

Very grateful to you for reading this. As you know, I was particularly interested in your opinion. Thanks for the example revised description - through the reviews I've had on this short I'm starting to feel I now have an understanding of the balance required. From the reviews so far, it seems people are pretty well split down the middle on this short in terms of how 'believable' the story is. And that's great, because it provides me with a challenge - I'm sure with some relatively limited changes I can make this story more believable. I doubt everyone will be able to roll with it, but I'm positive I can make some substantive improvements.

So thanks again!

Dogglebe,

I'm loving this feeling from knowing you enjoyed reading my short, so thanks for taking the time to read and review it. It's very much appreciated.

Having this work critiqued in this way has been enlightening and it appears there are some common views:

People seem to like the premise.
People seem to think I have over-described.
People seem to like the twist.
People are split down the middle on whether it's believable.

In summary.....I've learnt a lot!

Read other scripts and see how some of the more experienced writers write tight descriptions.  You'll learn a lot this way.

Phil