Expedition to Earth by Harish Arulkumar - Short, Sci Fi - An alien comes on a mission to earth. Mission is to kill a human. They come from Planet Ummo. - pdf, format 8)

Pls give feedback.....

If you review other scripts then people are more likely to give feedback on yours.

Want feedback?

You have a prologue at the beginning of it.
Your format is junk.  
You have way too many paragraphs going on in your action slugs.
You're bolding scene headers.
You have continued at the bottom of every page.
You have continued at the top of every page.
Cut to: Cut to: Cut to: Cut to: Cut to: Cut to: Cut to:  -- You use it way too much when you don't even need to.  Stop it.

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This was all just in formating.  Your story is A-typical.  And last but not least, Isn't ubuntu an offshoot OS for mac and Pc?

G'bye.

I read it and honestly, it needs a lot of improvement. I could critique the formatting or the writing or the characterization, but what it all comes down to is the story.

simply put, your story isnt intriguing. you've got to grab the reader within the first few pages to keep him/her reading. and this script just doesnt do that. i was bored while reading the first few pages. furthermore, i didnt care about the characters because they weren't interesting or clever- and they're aliens so naturally theyre supposed to be interesting.

my advice to you would be to ditch this script, read a bunch of other scripts, learn the formatting, and come up with an interesting story using a simple subject matter. perhaps you just wrote a script outside your skill level- and that happens sometimes. and i imagine it could happen very easily when it comes to writing sci fi. shit, im not sure if i write sci fi. and there have been times where I've written entire treatments, and then ditched everything because i knew i couldnt do my story justice...at that time. so write a more simple script and then go complex. i think you went too complicated way too early.

oh and read the dialogue outloud to yourself. usually that's a good indicator of whether or not its believable.

at any rate, please dont be discouraged. if anything, write some other scripts and come back to this. you'll grow by leaps and bounds and the mistakes in this script will seem very obvious to you later on

I agree with the criticism that the others gave, but that doesn't mean that your script is hopeless.  It does need work, and there is the sound of goat ball being sucked, but this script could be turned around into something enjoyable.

The first I saw with this script was the prologue.  These don't belong in scripts.  As the writer, you have to incorporate all information into the story.  And the prologue, IMHO, isn't even needed.  Just go straight to the chase.

I was disappointed that you didn't describe these aliens at all.  I need to know what they look like.  So, without any description, I pictured these aliens looking like Gallaxhar from Monsters vs. Aliens.  This can make or break an alien story, really.

What was Unibuntu's mission about?  Okay, he had to go to Earth and kill someone.  Why?  That wasn't explained at all in the story.  We don't know who the intended target or why he's targeted for assassination.

To fix this problem, you need to stretch the story out and add to it.  Include a chase scene.  Think of the movie Terminator.  That movie would've sucked if the Terminator is defeated right away.  Have Unibuntu chase Rahul around while Segryus tries saving him.

As was mentioned earlier on this thread, read some scripts and see how other people format and write their stuff.  It's a great learning experience.  And it helps you get read.


PHil