Endangered Species by Steve Brown - Short, Horror - On the way to the family cottage, the Fontaines get into a terrible car accident and strange noises can be heard in the forest around them. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Steve, lots and lots of problems going on here, bud.  Couldn't get past page 2, but I'll throw you some pointers.

Don't go past 4 lines in your paragraphs (passages).

Don't repeat your Slug in your passages.

Don't over describe in your passages - We don't want or need to know what each character is wearing in such detail.  We don't need to know about mundane actions in such detail.

Name your characters immediately, as opposed to saying stuff like, "a tall, thin man...".

Give us ages for all characters.

Don't include "CONTINUED" at the bottom and top of every page - it's a complete waste of space.

Don't write passively ("ing" verbs).

OK, your opening scene runs almost 2 pages, but in reality, there's about 1/2 a page of actual screen time, and or material, meaning you've over written it by about 3 to 4 times.  EDIT - after skimming ahead, this entire intro is a complete waste and has nothing to do with the story.

SPOILERS

OK, I skimmed the entire script, and am not at all happy with what I found.  First of all, as I said, this is so over written, it's crazy.  This piece shouldn't be more than 3 pages, 4 tops.  Basically the entire lead in (up until the "crash") is wasted filler that has absolutely nothing to do with the story here.

But then again, there really isn't any story here at all, as it's all a dream...that may be about to come true.

Doesn't work, bro.  Sorry.  Keep at it though.  Read scripts in here, comment on scripts, ask questions.  make yourself known and keep writing.

Hope this helps.

I agree with Dreamscale; this script is severely overwritten. You go into great detail what everyone is wearing, what they look like, what the house looks like.  You describe the lawn in detail.  And for what? The conversation that the family has goes into great detail but it means absolutely nothing.

What you have here is two pages of story (if that much) surrounded by eleven pages of padding.


Phil

When I saw this script after Jeff's comments, I felt bad no one had read it yet as I thought it was Ste Brown's script. I started reading and pretty much right away and new this must be someone with the same name.

Anyway, Jeff is spot on with his comments. The whole set up doesn't do anything for the story. It's just a family packing a car and have idle conversations.

I found the whole thing about stopping to get some ice-cream stupid. Josh isn't exactly a little kid that you can make happy by giving an ice-cream cone.

The story doesn't really start until the crash, but then you make one of those much frowned upon decisions to make the ending "it was all just a dream". Even it might happen, it still disappointing.

For me, I would have liked it better if it was a little more clear that Josh's dream reflected more strongly about how he felt about his parents. Maybe make the parents a little more overbearing in the beginning. Then the dream would make more sense, but the set-up would also be more interesting

Hope that helps.  :)

After reading Pia's comments, I realized that I forgot to mention the it's-only-a-dream thing.  People feel cheated when they read a script and it ends this way. It's like saying, even though the script is a piece of fiction, ending it with it's-only-a-dream makes it even more fictionier.

That's not a real word; don't look it up.


Phil

I think that, unless Steve pops in and says hello, we shouldn't comment further.


Phil

Quoted from Grandma Bear When I saw this script after Jeff's comments, I felt bad no one had read it yet as I thought it was Ste Brown's script. I started reading and pretty much right away and new this must be someone with the same name. Anyway, Jeff is spot on with his comments. The whole set up doesn't do anything for the story. It's just a family packing a car and have idle conversations. I found the whole thing about stopping to get some ice-cream stupid. Josh isn't exactly a little kid that you can make happy by giving an ice-cream cone. The story doesn't really start until the crash, but then you make one of those much frowned upon decisions to make the ending "it was all just a dream". Even it might happen, it still disappointing. For me, I would have liked it better if it was a little more clear that Josh's dream reflected more strongly about how he felt about his parents. Maybe make the parents a little more overbearing in the beginning. Then the dream would make more sense, but the set-up would also be more interesting Hope that helps.  :)

Sounds suspiciously like an old British movie to me. Some singer was in it. And some comedians. Hmmm.

I haven't read any of the previous reviews, so I might repeat what others had already said.

You wrote very prose-like, just like a novel. I suggest you to write more direct and what what we can see on screen. No need to write out the characters' clothing. Write description in sequence: don't say a character is doing one thing as he is doing another thing. These are all formating errors though which can be easily corrected.

The major problem is the story and its execution. The story is very lopsided. Is the story a drama about the relationship between the son and his parents? Or a horror-thriller where a stranger animal attacks the family? In this case, I think it's the former because you spent like 9 out of 14 pages on family talk. However, according to your logline, it's the latter.

If you were going for the horror-thriller story, cut out a lot of stuff in the beginning. How is getting bags stuffed into the trunk relevant? How is the son saying he's not a virgin relevant? How is the mother getting frustrated at the father relevant? I see that you're trying to get some background info about the characters, but only show those that are relevant to the story.

For example, if Josh says he's afraid of the dark and animals in the beginning, that's a vital information because that's related to what's going on after.

The ending is just a dream? I'm not too thrill about that.

Hope you can rewrite this.