Custom by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Short - A racist customs officer is brought to book... - may offend. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

oh boy oh boy oh boy... im interested to see what everyone else has to say about this script. in the meantime, here's my two cents

first, this script is littered with spelling and grammatical errors. you need to proofread. and if you are proofreading, proofread again.

second, why did you censor yourself? im a little befuddled by the fact that you wrote all these "racist" bits of dialogue while simuntaneously writing "f.u.c.k." as "f*ck"

third, and most importantly, i really dont think you have a good enough story to justify your character's behaviors (and the racist things they say). look at American History X - theres a shitload of racism in there and theres always a subculture of viewers that forms (as with any film along those lines) which believes that the film is actually promoting racism rather than criticizing it. with that in mind, you've got to closely examine your script and your intentions- because people are going to see what they want to see in your script, whether it was intentional or not. so even though your characters "get what they deserve" in the end, your script is still racist to a degree. and you've got to ask yourself, is this something worth promoting? is it worth all the trouble? thats why i stand as far away from these issues as possible when i write. furthermore, if there are a bunch of dumbasses who misinterpreted American History X, imagine all the dumbasses who are going to misinterpret your script (because your intentions aren't nearly as clear).

i think the problem here is that this script could be better written and it just needs a better story overall. its way too predictable. furthermore, we can't relate to the characters at all. i lost interest by page 5 simply because i knew mark was a racist asshole...and thats all he was, a cliched racist asshole. make him more complex. theres a reason why people are racist- consider exploring that territory.

also i didnt care for the whole "taking the blow" for the supervisor act. its been done before and i could easily predict where the script was going with it.

sorry i couldnt be more positive. i would really consider ditching this one...but ill be reading more of your stuff in the future

Ap. Here's my two cents. Or tuppence or whatever.

Er. Not for me. So many problems hard 2 no where to begun.

Either - someone's aving a sad laugh or someone ain;t got a clue. Either way - not 4 me.

I'd love to post my thoughts of this script, however, based on the other script  written by this member, he either does not care or hasn't found the "post reply" button yet.

Hi guys - thanks for your responses - lots of food for thought for me here. First of all, yes, I am new to this, so I'm making mistakes as I learn.

albinopenguin: Thanks for your input, that was very useful - I am British, and this story was based on a report in one of our newspaper (getting the kids to pretend to fire guns) so I guessed that kind of attitude was alive and well. I see the difficulty your are referring to, and how sensitivity is needed, but then you can't afford for these to be taboo subjects. I will take your advice thought, and read what you have suggested.

rendevous: I wasn't having a sad laugh, so that only leaves one option...

Lightfoot: I only read some of the replies today - at work - as I only knew they were on the site today (gimme at least some time....) - what other script did you read - and please feel free to post your thoughts - positive or negative, it's all a learning curve for me - I can take criticism! Oh. And that must be the reply button...

Hmmm, had to read this as I have a little experience in the customs field...

p4 you hav amanda, then cont then amanda again.  looks like it got jacked up when you saved as pdf.
And again on p5.

and why nodding (bowing) her head.  Pick a verb.
p7 figure should be figures
And yea I find it hard to see even blatantly racist people talking that openly at work.  Even if their actions lead that way, the government is too pc to let that slide.
And I dunno how it is in england, but in the states its not just up to the customs officers to decide who enters.  People have visas etc, and even if  someone's racist and wants to harass and search all the brown people, if they don't find anything wrong they will get to enter.
And just giving the immigrants numbers instead of names isn't really encouraging us to think of them as real human beings.  Might even be a bit telling of how you're thinking of them...
Also Child soldiers would be entering as refugees, and therefore going through a different process, not just showing up at a gate with a visa.
"They are the detectives, but MARK does not realize this yet, nor does the viewer."  Then why mention it?
Oh and only capitalize names the first time you use them.
"and he considers that he should have seen this coming and PHIL’S betrayal."  Show dont tell.
And there're more breaks in the dialogue from the formatting.
"The detectives look at each other, they know that this is going to be an easy prosecution, but are still unsettled by his attitude." more telling.

Overall... what was the point you were making?  That racism exists?  Sure, because you didn't go much deeper than that.
Someone mentioned American History X...the reason that was a great movie was because it went in depth, and really showed us both sides.  As in you see Norton's reasons for being racist, then his peak, then his slow understanding of the hypocrisy of the racist movement and opening his mind.  And along with this you have the story of his younger brother who's traveling along a parallel path, showing the intergenerational effects.

Whereas your script has exactly one note.  Racist guy is a prick to poor nameless black people, and eventually loses his job.

As with any script about a hotbutton issue like racism, sexism, homophobia, abortion (have we had an abortion script here?), just because its an issue doesn't make it a script.  You still have to go in depth and have something more to say about the issue.

All that aside, congrats for putting it out there, and good luck.

Hi jackx - thanks for the response - it did make me think - some of the thoughts I guess you may say should be obvious, but on the issue of what was the point - too be honest, once I read the article it kind of got me thinking, and then I wrote the idea - I don't think I thought about it in any great depth, and herein lies the problem. I do believe it was a good excercise for me, but clearly there are concerns beyond that.

There are clearly difference in culture which I have to taken into account, as I know there are differences in attitudes between London, and the north of England - London being far more PC: the cultural history of the England and America is quite different.

Yea, of course.  And other than a few format issues, this was well written and an easy read, so as a writing exercise it was well done.  Just to be something even better it needs a tad more depth.
Good luck with it...