The Big Cut by Evan Jones - Short, Noir - Fresh off wrapping up the filming of his first film, a director is forced to make cuts to his masterpiece. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Evan,

Thought I would give your script a read. It was an okay story, but needs to be improved. Here are some notes I took:

The good:

- Realistic dialogue.

The stuff-which-needs-to-be-improved:

- Cut your action lines down. More spaces in between. 5 lines Max.
- Don't mention credits.
- Don't say stuff which can't be shown on screen, eg, "BARTON, the film’s director, has just made his first major film."
- Pages and pages of just dialogue... chuck a few action lines in there.
- The initial phone conversation is too long for us to only see one person on the line. Consider us seeing David too.
- At the start of page 4, you have told us in the action line that Julia is the love interest. How can that be shown on screen? At the moment, it isn't, so putting it in the action line is useless. Have it in the dialogue. Ask yourself how two people who are "love interests" would talk, amp it up slightly, and chuck that in.
- The suicide isn't justified. Only one line about the other director killing himself isn't enough. Cheap ending.

Sorry for being so negative, but it's the truth, in my eyes. If this was a bit longer, and wasn't all in one room, and the ending was better, it could be an okay script, but as it is now, it needs to be improved.

Good luck with it all.

Thanks for the Feedback. Your points are well taken.

A couple things:

1. The reason some of the action lines are so long is because I plan on filming this script myself. And I plan on doing the whole thing in one shot. That's also why we are centered on Barton the whole time.

2. The reason I put the suicide in there because Barton's film also ends with the main character killing himself.

I do agree with your point about the love interest.

Thank you.

in addition to whats already said, i feel you should alter the following:

1. delete the entire bit about the movie, Greed. you make the same point again when barton describes Once Upon A Time in America- except in the latter, you talk about Sergio dying. if i were you i would expand on the story behind Once Upon a Time in America. it just seems reduntant to make the same point twice

2. i would have blood spray all over one of the movie posters...seems more dramatic.

the only thing i have to echo from tommy is to show the reader, not tell him/her. some things in your descriptions cant be seen. so cut down the descriptions.

in fact, i would also cut down the script. i think its a good idea, and you have a good story. and i really like the ending (although you can see it coming miles away).

overall definitely worth the read. needs some improving, but you'll get there in a rewrite or two

The reason the Greed story is int here is because it puts the idea in Barton's head to hurt/kill the studio executive... And it's the most famous story of a studio cutting a film.

Didn't like this. I felt it was a completely squandered opportunity. The story is solid. It's something everyone here can identify with in one way or another and is ripe with conflict. Also, there's a few Hollywood legends regarding the same theme. In addition to Greed, there's the one of Martin Scorsese being forced to cut Taxi Driver and contemplating killing the studio exec. So the story's fine.

The problem is the execution. It was totally boring. Barton's a boring character. He came off as completely naive. Someone who has no idea how the system works. And I mean NO idea. Absolutely nothing. Given that, I don't think he couldn't have as far as he did in this business. I didn't buy his investment in the film at all. He just didn't seem passionate enough to do what he does. He didn't seem passionate at all.

The studio exec coming on all friendly and such didn't work. This guy should've been colder and added fuel to Barton's fire. Fire that really isn't there.

Here's the thing. Directors that fight stuff like this to the extent that they would kill themselves (or consider it) are totally bonkers. I'm not speaking hypothetically. I'm talking about the ones that actually exist.

Read some history about Tony Kaye, the director of American History X. This guy sued the DGA for $200 million because they wouldn't let him credit himself as Humpty Dumpty. It killed his career (for a while). Why'd he want to call himself Humpty Dumpty? Read the history. Read his interviews. Watch his interviews.

As arrogant and unreasonable as he is, this is a guy who genuinely has passion. I just saw an interview with him recently where he said he was better than other directors because he was "real and honest." I believed him.

Also, I think there needs to be a better reason for cutting the film. An NC-17 rating is really no big thing. The MPAA's negotiable and even if not, you can still release of film NC-17. If Barton really believed in his work, he would do that. No suicide. As of now, he just seems like a crybaby who killed himself for no reason.

So... great concept. Really. You should build on it. I just don't buy the characters or the events at all. Inject some genuine movie passion into the guy and I think this could be great. As of now, it's flat.

Thank you. I based this on the Scorsese idea. Barton = Martin, and Julia was Scorsese's wife's name at the time.

It seems like the timeline is a bit rushed.  They just wrapped up filming the movie, and it was already screened by the MPAA?  Now if it were the producers seeing the dailies, and they thought the MPAA would give it a NC-17 rating, that would make sense.

Having the story about Greed is enough.  No need to repeat the scenario with Once Upon a Time in America.

What gets me confused the most is why Barton wouldn't be allowed a director's cut on the DVD/Blue Ray version.  If I could direct a film, I wouldn't mind changes being done in order to get my foot in the door.  But I would insist that there be an "unrated" (aka NC-17) version in the home-video market.

Now if this story took place before DVDs and Blue Rays, that would make sense.

I liked it. This story could work better as a feature film. But instead, the main character should have some kind of illness or reason for him to only be able to make ONE movie. That would be a reason to kill oneself if you had no other chances to make a movie, say you were dying from a terminal illness and this was your only film.

Other than that I agree with the other posters; the director wouldn't kill himself over his first movie. A director has to sacrifice many things in his/her career but not their own life.

its funny how people are telling you to cut down the script... ironic huh?

Hi all,

The phone conversations were a bit repetitious for me, we hear the same things repeated to Julia that we heard from the exec.

Anyway, speaking of cuts...

Page 1. "A typical director's office..."
            "BARTON, the film's director, has just made his first major film
            "All through this phone call, and during the entire film, we never leave the office"

Note: Forget the introduction in conversation, best to begin the film with him in the middle of the conversation.

As for the middle pages the actions are rather chunky, but as you've said you included this to guide your direction, but reading-wise (for us) it's a bit too much.

Page 9. No errors here, however, the bit where he mentions Sergio Leone never seeing his film, I take it he never killed himself though. So why didn't Barton just not watch his film? Killing himself doesn't change anything.

Hi there - I agree with a lot of the feedback that has been given on this one. There is too much telling and not enough showing, some of the dialogue is too clumpy and repeats too often. Some of your dialogue is by numbers as well - it's very much what you ant to be said that is put down on paper - in real dialogue, you don't really know what the other person is going to say in reply, and dialogue has to have this edge to it, to twist and turn a little bit.

Best of luck to you.

I understand he wants them to use the film and he kills himself not to see the cuts to his film.

I think that you did a good job on building up to the culmination but I can't believe anyone would kill himself on these grounds.

I think this script is pretty good.  In fact, I'd like to shoot it, but first, I gotta talk to you about that ending--too violent!!!

:-)