An Instrument of Justice by Matías Caruso (Mr. Z) - Short, Supernatural, Western - It was a peaceful afternoon at The Sheriff's office... until The Miss walked in. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Great story, great pacing! great dialogue! You rule! Seriously!  (me bowing)

You bowing? I wanna see a picture of that. Glad you enjoyed it.

I see you posted Bad Juju. Is the MP version or you did a rewrite? Let me know so I can pop in and leave some comments.

And girl, I had sexual fantasies involving cowgirls way before reading Savage Frontier.

And I hate you too, by the way. :)

Pia was right.  Very impressive, Mr. Z,...the writing flowed, the story was easy to visualize.  Makes me wanna run out and have a showdown at the OK Corral.   Seems like maybe there could've been a better ending though.   A twist within the twist.  But that's just me.   It'd be nice to see this filmed.  You should definitely shop it around.

Everybody hates Matías.

That's what I'm talking about! Mr. Z is back, y'all. Man, you're the Leo Messi of script writers, what you do looks so stunning and is impossible to duplicate. Loved Lydia - Lydia is hot. Seriously. She really is an instrument of justice. Liked the Sheriff too, cool cat that dude.

The ending was maybe a bit rushed considering the build-up but I get it and there's really not much more to say.

A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?

Stay frosty
Rob

Terrific script. Really like your style of wriitng.
Best,

H

Good rich characters, fine writing...

First of your I've read. Impressed. The ending does leave alot to the imagination. Did she kill the Sheriff with Lydia? Did her give her the gun to kill the outlaw instead.

Great read, Very enjoyable.


James

Thanks screenrider, Rob, harrietb, and jwent. I appreciate the read. And the hate.  8)

Looks like the ending could use some work. Damn, endings are hard.

Quoted from sniper What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?

This wasn’t written for MP, it’s just something I wrote on the side. But you’re right, there was recently a challenge in which the theme consisted of bringing back a body or inanimate object to life.

Don’t put my name and Messi’s in the same sentence, by the way. I’m not worthy.  :)

Quoted from jwent6688 Did she kill the Sheriff with Lydia? Did her give her the gun to kill the outlaw instead.

The sheriff convinces the miss that it’s the outlaw the one who deserves to die. So the miss kills the outlaw (not the sheriff).

Quoted from Mr.Z Don’t put my name and Messi’s in the same sentence, by the way. I’m not worthy.

Yeah, you're right.  :P

Quoted from Mr.Z The sheriff convinces the miss that it’s the outlaw the one who deserves to die. So the miss kills the outlaw (not the sheriff).

I thought it was the gun (Lydia) that convinces The Miss.

I concur with those previous.  Top notch.  Absolutely wonderful...

...until that last, confounded scene.

There just isn't enough there, Z.

Everything before that scene is so good and so complete -- and that revolving chamber transporting us to a brand new locale is perhaps what makes it feel rushed.

I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.

Maybe in an adjacent jail cell?  Lydia reveals him to us -- the actual guy, not the poster.  The sheriff has captured him -- and did not even know it.

Then we can know the outlaw.  Involve him in the conversation -- make it a 3-way conversation instead of a 2-way conversation -- and then the Miss has to make her choice.  Right there, on the spot.

I think that would give this the resonance it is missing without adding a great deal in length.

My thoughts, anyway.  Hate the Z.  

Quoted from sniper A question: What was the theme for this MP script. I read Pia's JuJu script as well (and imagine it was for the same comp) and both of your scripts featured inanimate objects that are somehow not that inanimate. Was that the challenge?

The MP comp was to bring something dead alive...mine was the voodoo doll. This one was not in that comp. I bet he wrote this one on a lark to irritate all of us who are trying to get better.

Quoted from sniper I thought it was the gun (Lydia) that convinces The Miss.

True. It was more of a team work, actually. Both the sheriff and his precious Lydia convince the Miss.

Quoted from bert I would encourage you to experiment with the exact, same set-up -- but add the outlaw to the scene.

This is an interesting idea. On one hand, I love it, because it would add a richer dynamic to the story and allow me to finish it without having to switch locations. I really want to use this but…

On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she can’t collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. Unless…

The sheriff frees the outlaw making it look like the bastard escaped, so the miss can whack him and collect the $. Or maybe this is too contrived. Writing is hard, dammit.

And stop saying you hate me, all of you. I know you love me.  :)

Okay, so I learned something by reading this, which is about the best compliment I can pay you.

The style is very interesting in that on the surface it appears to contain unfilmables, but what it does is evoke images which themselves are filmable. Extremely cool...

As for the story, you managed to create a supernatural, noirish Western in five pages - again, no easy feat.

And though Sniper says your style is impossible to duplicate, I know one writer that may blatantly and unashamedly try...

Nice job - Anthony

Quoted from Mr.Z On the other hand, if the outlaw is already caught, the miss would know right from the start that she can't collect that bounty anymore, and there would be no point in killing him. Unless...

No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time.

"The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."

And take it from there.  I really think it could work.

Quoted from bert No -- the way I envision this is the sheriff spins ol' Lydia -- and it points to a jail cell O.S. -- the Sheriff realizes who he actually has in that cell -- the Miss turns to follow the gun -- and there is the Outlaw -- revealed for the first time. "The bounty is still good," the Outlaw tells her, "Just get me outta' here."

Yeah, this is how I understood it, and I'm very fond of this scenario. I was talking about the other bounty though. Not the one offered for the sheriff's head, but the one offered for the outlaw's head.

Still, this is a great angle to consider. Thanks.



Oh, and thanks for the review, ajrscreenworks.

Two words, Quintin Tarantino. Mr. Z I like this short. It was very entertaining and well written. If this is what you can do in English one can only imagine what you can do in spanish.

I don't feel you need to change anything as everything rolls out smoothly, but you can always make something better.

Glad you enjoyed it, Inquiringmind. Thanks for letting me know.  8)

Hi Matias,

Thoroughly enjoyable script.  I loved the spinning the barrel bit and liked that the gun has a soul that only fires upon bad people.

Short & sweet.  Nothing more to add.

All the best,


Javier

Thanks Javier, glad you enjoyed it man.

I did a rewrite on this, based on the feedback I got. Changed nothing essential, but I tried to make the ending a bit less abrupt. Everyone's busy witht the OWC so I'll wait a bit before uploading the new version.

THE MISS
Maybe you should ask Lydia.

Lydia was not introduced to the MISS in the script ...

good job otherwise.

Bert has coined a nice situation. I d love to read the script with the addition.

Thanks razi.

Nice catch. Maybe The Miss should have said "Ask your gun". Or maybe she read the inscription on the barrel? Hmmm...

Hate to admit it but Bert's suggestion was spot on. I'll wait for the OWC to be over before officially uploading the new version, but in the meantime, if anyone else shows up, the rewrite can be found here:

http://www.sendspace.com/file/5qecyy

AAAAA.......Mr. Z .. i read the other version ... i dont know but after putting the outlaw in the jail it seams ... that the mystery about the Outlaw has faded away .. I would rather prefer your older version

Thanks for your honesty, razi. Damn, I suck at rewrites.  :)

Great job. reminds me of a scene i once saw a long, long time ago. because i don't remember, it makes this a bit original.

chi

:)

Thanks for the read, purplefilms. Much appreciated.

It's always a pleasure to read one of your scripts. superb writing and a superb idea. Lydia felt like a character in itself and it was just a pistol.

with all that spinning action it would be interesting playing Russian Roulette with Lydia but oh yeah I forgot there is only one bullet (soul) at a time so maybe that's not a good idea after all.  

i still belive the mystery wont be thr the moment u have look at the outlaw ...

Thanks for the read, tonka. Glad you felt like the revolver was a character. That was my intention.  :)

Great story.

What else is there to say?

Any criticism of a story as tight as this would be reaching.
Any praise seems to be just another pat on the back.

Yet, still, I want to say something.

Great story.

'Nuff said.

-Daniel

Mr. Z,

Like everybody else I'm a fan of Instrument Of Justice.  Where can I find your other scripts?  I'd like to read them as well.

Love a good western.  This one had a Jonah Hex, supernatural feel to it.  I like how your descriptions were economical, but painted a clear picture.  I would have liked to have known more about the origin of this gun, but maybe that's for another script.

I suppose I like your rewrite a little better.  The original didn't make as much sense to me as I just didn't think the sheriff would "lend" Lydia to this bounty hunter so she could go shoot the outlaw in his hideout.  That'd be like King Arthur lending Excalibur to some scrub knight.

But, there's something I just didn't like about this ending, either.  How the Sheriff sits back and lets this bounty hunter shoot an unarmed man, behind bars, in the Sheriff's own jail.  I don't know, the whole killing seemed a little unworthy of Lydia's talents.

Maybe when the sheriff spins Lydia it points to the saloon across the street or something, where the outlaw and his gang is in town.  And the bounty hunter, convinced of the power of Lydia, agrees to help him take out the outlaw.  Just a thought.

Anyway, good job with this.

Quoted from screenrider Mr. Z, Like everybody else I'm a fan of Instrument Of Justice.  Where can I find your other scripts?  I'd like to read them as well.

Here are a few other Mr. Z scripts.

Quoted from mcornetto Here are a few other Mr. Z scripts.

Thanks.

I just read three of his scripts.

I really hate this guy.  >:(  

                                   8)

Quoted from Grandma Bear When someone has talent, instead of being envious or resort to hate  :)  try to learn from that person and enjoy the ride of watching their success.

Do I really need to clarify I was kidding about hating him?  ;)

Quoted from Grandma Bear Of course not, silly.

Thank God.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Should he really be bothered by this?  ;)

That was such a good one. Well done!

Quoted from mcornetto That was such a good one. Well done!

Well done.  8)

Quoted from screenrider Well done.  8)

Hey Z,

Figurin' I oughta be writin' somethin' down here about the script.

Westerns, however, aren't really my thang.  

I did like how you kept the tone of the action in line with the setting. It was like having a narrator with a twang along from the ride.  Or maybe that's just how I heard it in my head.

The story was simple, but it worked.  

It isn't my favourite piece that you've written but it's a good one.

Michael  

Mr Z

I heard a you. Nice writin'. Too damn nice.

I especially liked the way you kept the Western flavor in your narrative.

Gary

Cornetto, mooned me.

Quoted from mcornetto

Sorry to interrupt the planetary discussion, just wanted to thank all the readers.  :P

I do appreciate all the feedback, even when it comes from the haters.  :)

Fascinating read, but I'm lost on a few points.

If The Miss was warning the sheriff about the bounty on his head, why wouldn't she just go ahead and name the criminal?

And why would the sheriff lend out Lydia to anyone?  I'd be afraid of losing my magic weapon if I did that.

Couldn't The Miss have kept the criminal occupied until the sheriff shot him?

Thanks for the read and comments.

Quoted from TheRichcraft If The Miss was warning the sheriff about the bounty on his head, why wouldn't she just go ahead and name the criminal?

The Miss wasn't there to warn the Sheriff, actually. She was teasing/testing him in order to know what kind of man he was. She was seriously considering collecting the bounty herself at the beginning of the story.

Quoted from TheRichcraft And why would the sheriff lend out Lydia to anyone?  I'd be afraid of losing my magic weapon if I did that.

This is a good point. I tried to address this in the rewrite which still isn't posted. In the new version, The Miss never leaves the room with that gun. We'll see if it works.

Maybe you can have the Miss say something along the lines about the rumors of the Sheriff having magical powers or a mystical gun are true.  When she sees Lydia in action, she decides to tell the Sheriff where the Outlaw is.

Only the Sheriff doesn't need the location.  He fires the gun in his office, and the Miss later finds the Outlaw dead from a gunshot wound.  Only his associates tell her that no one could have possibly shot him.  

Good stuff, Matias.

But I really have to question how good the Sheriff is when he didn't even know the guy he caught was the culprit of the robbery. That just seems too convenient.

Also, at the end, I don't understand the motive for the Miss to shoot the Outlaw, because she couldn't collect the bounty anyway.

Thanks for reading, coding.

At the end the miss doesn't care about money anymore, she cares more about justice and thinks that the outlaw must be taken out for good (the guy managed to escape many times before).

The new version seems to be generating more head-scratching than the old one. Seems like the cook pissed in the soup.  :)

Hey Mr. Z

Gave this a read yesterday. A very cool supernatural short. I enjoyed the idea of the supernatural revolver.

Do you have a feature that you've written that I can read? lol. I'm interested since these shorts are very good.

Gabe

Glad you enjoyed it, Gabe.

Sure, I'll mail you my last feature.  8)

Hi all,

Darn I'm always late to post. Great script by the way. The kind of script I could've written...No seriously.

However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.

Ah, don't mind me. Great script though.

Quoted from 24 Grams However I'd have the sheriff as a wanderer instead. Who goes from place to place...Yeah...Going where ever to gun tells him too, serving justice and all that.

That would've been lots of fun. I forced myself to keep the budget down, though, and keep the story contained to one location. Makes the piece cheaper to produce.

Thanks for the read.  :)

When I first started reading this, I thought the characters' lack of names was inappropriate.  By the time I finished it, it seemed to work.

The dialog flowed very nicely through the script, very naturally.  It could be tightened up a little bit, but it's not a big problem.

The ending did come a bit abruptly.  A little confusing at first.  Perhaps you should flesh this out a line or two.

Good read.


Phil

Hey Matias,

This is well written, as usual. A few parts snagged me as I read. I had to look back over a couple of times to make sure I was reading it right.

When the Sheriff tells the deputy, “Leave us, kid,” I thought he was talking to The Miss at first. The Union Pacific robber already being in a cell seemed strange. The Miss talking about the Sheriff shooting people without asking questions led me to think she had revenge in mind. Yeah, it was all around a strange little script.

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this yet but there’s a typo on page 4. “Yours head” should be “your head.”

It’s unique with an interesting premise. Well written and holds interest. Good job. :)


Brea

@Phil: Interesting comments. A few more lines in the end would help to tidy up the pacing.

I’ll have this in mind for further rewrites. Thanks for the read. Much appreciated.

@Breanne: What a treat! Thanks for dropping by. Always appreciate your insight.

In the first version I posted, the outlaw was not in the cell. There was a last minute transition to the outlaw’s hideout. And there is where the miss whacks him.

This came off as too abrupt for many readers and putting the outlaw in a cell was suggested (the sheriff caught him doing some minor dirty deed, without knowing he did the union pacific as well).

You bring a good point, though. The rewrite seems to be taking care of some problems while generating some new ones. Gotta love the rewrite process.  :)

I might go back to the original version. I’m torn at the moment.

Thanks for catching the typo.

Glad you enjoyed the read, though. Thanks for letting me know.

Very nice.
Don't let Tarantino near it. He'll foul it up for sure.
Rodriguez could use something after that "Predators" cr@p.
Maybe him and Zack Snyder can fight over a feature development.
Reads like either's style.

Thanks for the praise, RayW. I know I don't deserve it, but I'll gladly take it nonetheless.  :)

It juked a bit when the Outlaw suddenly appeared - but I know you did not want to show him from the very beginning to focus on Sherif.

Sherif is very funny - "Lydia says" this...and "my gut says" this... - very funny.

I loved it. It's one the most entertaining westerns I've ever read.

Barely 6 pages and such a great character arc (I mean the Miss)...

Glad you enjoyed it, khamanna. Thanks for dropping some comments. Much appreciated.

Mr. Z, do you have any full-length features?   I'd be curious to see what pours out of that mind of yours.

And what does the "Z" stand for?

Yeah, I've written lots of features, but they all suck balls. I recently finished my last one, hoping this would be "the one".

I'll be seeking out feedback in a month or so, after I do one last polish. If you're interested let me know and I'll send you a copy when it's ready.

("Mr.Z" was a character and the title of the first thing I ever wrote. Not a script, a short story in spanish: "El Señor Z")

Quoted from Mr.Z I'll be seeking out feedback in a month or so, after I do one last polish. If you're interested let me know and I'll send you a copy when it's ready.

Sign me up.  

Shameless bump to let you guys know this has been shot and it's currently in post-production.

Meet The Miss:



The Sheriff (and Lydia!):



And The Outlaw:



Hopefully, I'll can show you the film in the next couple of months.  :)

Dear God that looks stylish. And 'The Miss' bears a more than passing resemblance to Jessica Alba.

Congrats!

Quoted from Mr. Z Yeah, I've written lots of features, but they all suck balls.

I very much doubt that, having read your previous. Depends whose balls you're comparing em to. I look forward to the end of post production.

Good luck. I doubt you'll need it.

R ox

OMG, those characters posters are awesome! Congrat!

This looks great, Congrats Matias.

Hopefully you can sort out some kind of password system on Viemo..something like that..so we can get a look, even if it's only for a day.

Congrats, Matias

Wanted to say that I still remember to completely finish your feature and give you some notes on it. I read a couple of pages and am impressed by the sci fi element you have in it. I remember being entralled into it. lol. I will re-read it again to see if I can give you better notes than this crap that I wrote right now. :)

Gabe

Hey Mr. Z,

Thanks for the bump and the read.
Saucy dialogue and appropriately sparse description.
Reads like butter, but that ending is flat as a dry pancake.
Its just not up to the level of prowess in the rest of your fine material.

That being said, super congrats on the production.
Well deserved and looking forward to more of your material!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Lydia's origin story for the sequel!

Congratulations Matías,

I’m not the slightest bit surprised. Are they going to promote you as “award winning screenwriter Matías Caruso”? ;D


Brea

Congrats, Matias.   You're an inspiration to us all.  

I'm green with envy.  >:(

wow, looks fantastic, i'd be really proud to have an end product that looks like that.

Excellent!!!! Looks great!!!!  :)

Matias,

Gonna just echo everyone else here. That looks great. Nice screen shots... The Miss is smoking hot.


James

Just read this again. I hate you, you talented git.

I can write fast, but I don't write like this. Fine work. I still hate you, by the way. In a sorta Morrissey "We hate it when our friends get off their arses and get it done" typa way. You understand. Yeah, thought ya might.

Keep it up. Plenty of room for all. People love good stories. Always have, always will.

R ox

Thanks for the love and the hate. I'm pretty pumped about this too. Can't wait to see this finished and show it to you guys.