Pride by Craig Cooper-Flintstone - Series - An old flame arrives back on the gay scene, and Kit-kat wants more than just an explanation - he wants his money back, and he doesn’t care how he gets it… 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

Craig, very well written short. I enjpyed it.  Excellent dialogue and story.  Good luck with it.  Marvin.

late thirties or early forties is kinda wordy for something that isnt too important.  Why not just fortyish?
p4 dare should be dares.  
Whats complexion of haslet?
you're cash should be your cash p14
When Daniel snags the money out of the guys hand, its pretty hard to understand whats going on.  They crossed the street towards them? They're all younger students?  Why is the kid turning when daniel grabs the money out?  Just need to set the scene a little better.  Also the kinda redundant fake explanations to passerbys are a tad more than necessary.   i might drop the girls and just have him say something at the end.

Otherwise I quite liked it.  Interesting but believable characters, some pretty good dialogue, solid set up for something.  Is this going to be a series or just a story told in parts?

Nicely done.

Hey Marvin/Jackx

Thanks for the read, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Haslet is a really cheap sliced meat here in the uk! Google it for a pic and you'll see exactly what I mean!

I'll take a look at the robbing scene again and try and make it a bit clearer if I can. I'm not sure whether it'll just be a two/three parter, it's a wait and see as I write it 'thing'!

Thanks for your comments, greatly appreciated,

Craig

Hey Craig,

Just came across this one and gave it a read.  Another good one from you.  I think you have a great knack of creating interesting characters, and like others have said, I thought the dialouge was very good as well.

(SPOILERS)

My one small quibble would be with the Daniel character.  When we first meet him at the bar with his brother, he comes off more as a confused guy than a sinister one.  Granted, he basically stole money from Kit-Kat, but I didn't necessarily get the vibe that he was a dangerous charcter.  

Shortly after, we see him robbing the kid and then we have the conversation between he and Charlie about planning a breaking and entering.  I don't have a problem with Daniel being a really bad guy as opposed to just a confused one who dicked over Kit-Kat, but I think the progression may have been a little fast.

Perhaps you could foreshadow his true nature a bit earlier when Kit-Kat approaches him at the bar so that we know this is not a guy to be trifled with.  Kind of upping the ante right off the bat.  On the other hand, I think what you have now already works, but it's just some food for thought.

Anyway, I thought it was a terrific job and I look forward to reading more.  One note and one typo below.  Good luck.

P. 2

“I tell you, those glory holes in the toilets were designed for them.”

Laughed out loud at this one.

P. 18

“Daniel feed…”

S/b – Daniel feeds I believe.

Craig

Ooooh, that looks gross.  Good description then, as long as you're sure the audience you're going for won't have to pause and google it for the imagery to work.
Looking forward to the next bit.