Doodle by James Covell (jcov54) - Short, Thriller - Joe recieves a magic pen that manipulates or brings to life whatever he draws. However his new gift comes with dire consequences. 8 pages - doc, format 8)

Kudos for the effort, but there is a lot here that needs improvement.

First, your screenplay format is way off.  Pay attetion to spacing and margins.  If you want to be taken seriously as a screenwriter, this stuff matters (it shows you care about the form).

Next, you have several typos.  If you want to be taken seriously, this stuff matters (it shows you care about your writing).

Finally, the narrative needs some work.  The plot line doesn't really flow in a way that the reader connects with the characters or the events.

It's a fun idea, but you need to do more with it to make this work on a story level.

Thanks for sharing your story with us, and keep at it!

I'm confused.  If Joe is obviously sorry for what he's doing to people, then how could he have attracted Damian's attention in the fist place?  Wouldn't D want someone who enjoys making people suffer?

Dude,

Download some scriptwriting software. Celtx is free and not too hard to use. If you stick with Word, get a PDF converter like CutePDF so your document stays the way you intended. You'll get more reads that way.

Good luck!

Gary

Hi there - suffie to say that I agree with rjbelair.

You really have two ideas going here - the fact that the pen can do what it can is actually enough to go on. Work with one simple idea, and try and develop it.

Try downloading Celtx - it will help you with your formatting - take some care to get this right, and it will help you a long a lot.

I got the feeling from reading it that you may be quite young? If so, these things take a bit of practice - so keep at it - you have a good imagination, you just need to work it in to a good story.
Simon