The Secret of the Nile by Stephanie Sharp - Drama -  In the Scorpion King meets The Fall of the Roman Empire, The Secret of the Nile is a suspense story placing emphasis on the demise of a prime kingdom and the unification of one country.  The irony is that the very individuals that sought to protect their own people will be the ones to bring the commoners to their knees. 108 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Stephanie,

I read the first four pages - sorry for the shortness of review, but there's a few dramas that are on zero reviews, so I thought I'd spend a night at least giving some very basic feedback.

I have no idea if your story is amazing, but I think you have some basics you need to correct.....

Being frank, it's hard going reading through your script. I even found the logline tough and it's simply down to the number of words you use. In your logline, action and dialogue I think you are being excessive.

Whilst I am no Einstein I am of reasonable intelligence and I simply can't take in that amount information you give out in one go. I appreciate you might be trying to set a detailed landscape, but your story is like an intensive History lesson.

You must get leaner and tighter. I am a relative newcomer to these boards, but you will see that word 'tighter' a lot around here and for good reason. When it comes to scripts, the tighter the writing the better. I also have to say that I'm no producer, but I would be very surprised if many would look past your first paragraph.

Perhaps if I could give you an example....

The description of King Hanor - it's very impressive and I suspect is very accurate historically. However, it's just not needed, say it's Upper Egypt, the date and then leave it to the costume designer (or whoever).

There are some fantastic examples of good script writing on these boards. I'm sure if you put a question out there, some of the more experienced users will even point you to some.

I truly hope this helps.