Black Widow by Kevin Bowden (kabow) - Drama - A suave young man returns home to find the family he left behind is not so welcoming. He decides to pay them back by attempting to seduce a rich women who the news has dubbed "The Black Widow". 63 pages - pdf, format 8)

Too the writer...

I don't recognize your name, so I'll be brief.  I'd suggest once or if you do re-writes to convert this to PDF.  

2), Your formatting is off.

3), when you introduce your characters for the first time, you need to CAP them.

4), your missing a lot of INT./EXT scenes that really need to be there.  Example, the hospital scene, when Joel goes in the room.

5), Joel's phone conversation with his brother, you either need to go with a (V.O.) or intercut the two scenes.  It does you no good if we have to explain it to you, especially, if you haven't read any books on screenwriting or read other scripts.

5), besides the formatting, the writing is the biggest thing with this.  Lots of passive verbiage, redundancies, awkward phrasing.  Scripts are written in real time, "present tense."

Example... "She is wearing large sunglasses, so that you can't see her eyes."  This is wasted space.

6), I suggest reading more screenwriting books, learn the format, and read other scripts as well.

7), SS has a lot of good talent, and you can learn a lot from the members here.  Please do so.

But this is JMO.  I could be wrong on my review.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

The storyline intrigued me, but I had to give up after a few pages.  Besides the
typos and weird formatting, I was confused.  Frank had two different last names.

Read the writer's reference guide which I think is located on the home page of this site.  This could be a good movie once you get the formatting and present tense phrasing down right.

I also think this could be really good, but it needs some work yet.

I took notes as I read.

Page 1

All characters names need to be capped when you introduce them.

If we are outside at the pool, we cannot see Jordan inside in the kitchen. If you want to show that, you need another slug line. A better way, I think, is to just to omit Jordan is inside in the kitchen, and just add a (O.S.) after her name.
JORDAN (O.S.)
Frank, dinner!

Oh, and before and after a person's name, use a comma. "Frank, dinner!"

Jordan looks out a window or Jordan runs to the pool. Describe her here. Not after the two years later.

SUPER: "Two years later."

The ex-husband's mother should be WOMAN or her name. We don't know who she is, you're telling us, not showing.

Page 2 The newscaster should say the person known as the Black Widow, especailly since she was found innocent.

You also have the driver say I don't think you did it. I think he should say, I never thought you did it.

You have:

INT. JORDAN'S MANSION - DAY

Jordan becomes more upset.

How? What is she doing? Don't tell. Show.

EXT. PAY PHONE - DAY
should be
EXT. STREET - DAY
Joel stands at a pay phone. He makes a call.

Bill's dialogue should be a (V.O.) because he's not there or you could intercut the call.

You have the mother of the dead husband here again. Should be woman or the woman's name. It comes out who she is here in the dialogue. We don't know who she is. We would only "see" the old woman.

I don't think a mother would whisper "Murdering bitch" when she thinks her son's murderer was left everything in his will. I think she would attack her, maybe get arrested for doing so.

I liked the inclusion of Madam Mam.

EXT. JORDAN'S CAR - DAY
should be
EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY
Jordan pulls into the parking lot.

Door way should be one word.

I have to admit I skimmed over the rest of the script. It didn't hold my interest the way it should because of formatting and talking heads.

Take your time, and go through this again. Fix the formatting issues. Spice up the talking heads with action.

I think you have something here that could be really cool, but it needs work. I liked the twist at the end.

If you do a rewrite, and I hope you do, let me know when you submit it, and the rewrite is up. I'll give it a read again.

Cindy

Thank you so much for your comments back and encouragement. I really appreciate it. I've already started on a rewrite and I'll submit when I'm done and hopefully a lot of the technical things will be fixed. Thanks again!

Could not get into this soon enough to keep going. The Black Widow death was not suspicious to me so when the news crew did their report, I'm not connecting to any of it. The sex in the airplane intercut with Jordan didn't have any connection either, so I'm disconnected from that as well.

The biggest deal breaker...I'm immediately tied to a Debra Winger movie of the same title and the same story line. That was a good movie.