Sophie and the Troll by Andy Anderson - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A meek young lady bumps into a jolly troll that will bring music, magic and ressurection.  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Andy,

Since you had no responses I thought I'd give it a read.  I'm always intrigued by scripts with minimal dialogue, so this was interesting.  You have a habit of telling rather than showing.  Lines like "Sophie studies him, trying to figure out what he's up to."  If she's studying him, we can infer that the latter half is the reason.  You don't need that part.  Internal character thoughts can't be displayed either.

I was confused by the end, what was the Grandma doing?

Quoted from CthulhuRises Lines like "Sophie studies him, trying to figure out what he's up to."  If she's studying him, we can infer that the latter half is the reason.  You don't need that part.  Internal character thoughts can't be displayed either.

Of course it can. Any decent actor could convey that on the screen.

Ah, the age old argument over unfilmables raises its ugly head again.

This example is indeed an unfilmable, IMO, and shouldn't be in a spec script.

Would love to hear why you think it's unfilmable, Jeff.

A phrase like: "Sophie and Mike sit at a bar. They had an affair six months ago. Both are trying to forget it," that's an unfilmable, I agree. The one in question, though - no, I can clearly picture what Sophie looks like when she "studies him, trying to figure out what he's up to."

It's not that "it can't be filmed".  It's not about "any decent actor could convey that onscreen".

IMO, it's much deeper than that...much more than that.  Look at it this way for a second...

As an exercise, watch a snippet from any movie (2-4 minutes).  Write what happened in screenplay format and try to be as accurate as you can (not including exact details of attire or surroundings, etc.).  Do you think you'd include such a line in your exercise script?  Do you think there's any way you'd include such a line?

I don't.  I really, really don't, and that's why I said it shouldn't be included in a spec script.

Comments?

Hmm....okay, I'm not going to dwell on unfilmable asides here.

I have problem understanding the main theme or point of the story. I didn't get what's going on with the troll, the girl and the grandmother. How do they and their actions connect with each other?

Furthermore, I wish the writer can trim and tighten the script because it's a slow read. Very prose-like. Without too much dialogue, you could pack a lot of story into it. But here the story moves very slowly. The troll doesn't appear until the middle of page 2, and he didn't do much until the end of page 4. Write only what's important. Stop having Sophie wandering around.

It's just my suggestion. Thanks for the read.

I'm mystified as to who found the dead grandma and took her away from the house.  This was the fastest funeral that I had ever seen.

Now if the girl came home to find a weeping neighbor woman pointing to her dead grandma, that would have been a more realistic set-up.

Yes, even in fantasy scripts, there must be a true sense of realism in every scene.  That's why I had trouble with the magical being as a troll.  They have negative connotations in fairy tales.  A pixie or fairy would have been a better choice.

Hi Andy,

I like stories like this. Fairy tales. :-) It's good to be taken away from all the everyday mumbo jumbo in life to somewhere like this.

I do have to question the troll's motives. What is in it for him? Why is he helping her?

Is it because she was singing, and he liked it? Or is it because he is lonely? You may want to show a little bit about how his life is without her.

The funeral didn't bother me as bad as Richcraft.

It seems she lost tract of time while with the troll. You may want to make this clearer by showing day changing into night, then back into day again at the edge of the forest.

Thank you for the getaway. :-)

Cindy
  

Had kind of an Alice in Wonderland feel to it.

Nice visuals.

I would have liked to see some tension here. As well as more of Grandma. Since we end on Grandma, we should know more about her. If the story is about the girl and the troll, we should end on them; like the girl going back to the troll to thank him.

I have to agree with Cindy. It was nice to read something different. The prose was not a bother to me at all. I believe you told a wonderful story.

The connection between the Troll and the girl was odd. I might clarify that a bit more.

As well, the Grandmother was coughing so i assumed she was just old and crotchety. You may want so show us something terminal about her.

And finally, more build up at the funeral may work better.

Overall, I really enjoyed the story.

Lovely. Nice visuals, just lovelly.

The ending didn't quite work for me - there's something missing or not quite right. I agree with cloroxmartini...if it's about the girl and the old lady we need more there. If it's about the girl and the troll maybe we end with that. Grandma coming back from dead with "what?"'doesnt seem right. I also wanted to see the troll hiding at the funeral. I also think maybe the time lapse from death to funeral was a bit too quick but I assumed it was because of a different sort of "time" when she's in the forest although I'm not sure how I'd indicate that as the filmmaker (without causing too much confusion for the audience).

I really liked this. If you decide to rework the end I'd love to be alerted to any changes, revisions. It really is quite enjoyable. Thanks for doing this! It was a pleasure to read.