Going Out by Bambang Yudianto (bejoalan) - Short, Comedy - {no logline} 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

- Late 20'S - You forgot the "s"

- She HAS a dark green dress IN her right hand and a black dress IN her left.

- She finds her husband Greg (early 30'S) is sitting on the couch. Take out the "IS". You can just simply put "sitting" after his name and age.

- Greg switch"ES" the tv channel.

- You know how "A" condom make me "FEEL" like  "I'M' bring "POUNDED" by a rubber stick.

You should really check for typo's before you submit. But I'm guessing English isn't your first language.

- i thought you "were" a vegetarian.

It seems like I'm correcting a lot. I'm just going to assume they talk like this.

You don't need to put "Greg is puzzled" because you have a question mark after his question, so we already know that he is.

When Greg jumps up and realizes they are having dinner that was pretty funny.

It's "HIS" wife, not "her" wife. I see you continuously type that in.

I don't get the mosquito...

I thought the ending was funny. I didn't expect it.

I overall think your writing need a lot of work. from the action, grammar and definitely dialogue. It needs to flow. A lot of what you said, people wouldn't on real life. The and work on that before you submit again because the comments are only going to repeat.  

Wow, maybe I need to check for typo's before I submit my review  :)

Hi,

A logline would bring you more reads.

It's a funny story - they were so getting ready to go out, then their company doesn't show up and they finally decide to check the date...

I liked her character. And he is a little slow - liked that too.

The mosquito is over my head. I know what you wrote it for - maybe that was the reason behind it.

Few typos:
p2 - Now help me pick THE dress.
Greg crossES his hands.
how's "weights her dresses"? - maybe "weighs" and I'm not even sure natives use it like that - better google.
"Amanda is weighting full of anticipation" (no WITH).
"We are having dinner with Maria and Steve tonight" (no A).

Besides the multitudinous typos and blatant disregard for grammar this script possesses - the icing on the proverbial cake is your consistent adherence to passive construction.

Here is a link for passive verbs and passive construction.
http://www.ccis.edu/writingcenter/documents/passive.html

Here is a link for rules of grammar.
http://www.grammarbook.com/english_rules.asp

Hate me as much as you like but please check out the links.

-Daniel

The grammar was too much for me....couldn't get past page one.  And for me that's saying a lot, as I'm all about story.

Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate it. Culture, grammar, and typo is a big problem for me. I'm hoping to learn my way by writing a lot.

@Khamanna: the mosquito is probably a failure attempt to make a monty-phytonish joke :)

Is engilish a second language for you?  If it is then it explains a lot and I'll give it a second read with that in mind.  Who knows, maybe I can help.

Even if English is your second language, I still didn't get this.  Especially the human-headed mosquito.

Bambang, I see what you mean.

To others - I know that this piece was written for someone who wanted something Monty Pythonish - the mosquito fits in actually - imagine it buzzing around and the character looks at it annoyed with the eyes crossed...

I'm not going to correct typos and grammars. There are lots, but you should be able to point them out if you look at them carefully.

I found this okay, not too comical but rather silly. It was like the characters acted the way they were because the plot required them to do so.

There wasn't much story but more like another comedy skit. If this is really about going out for dinner, why talk about abortion services and condoms and blow jobs? I know Greg talking about the abortion added to the humor, but it just didn't sound true to me that a husband would talk like that to his wife.

The picking the dress part, to me, was the silliest. Com'on, a person with any sense knows what Amanda was asking about. It just came off like a scene in Scary Movie.

And then Greg telling Amanda that they were going to a vegetarian restaurant didn't do anything to me. It seemed like any normal conversation.

On the other hand, I actually got the flying mosquito. I know what you were trying to do here. The mosquito added awkwardness in the situation.

The ending, not so sure about it. It didn't have enough punch but it did wrap up the "story".

Overall, I think you need to add something more to the story to make it interesting. And please check for typos and grammar before submission.

Herman

@AngelofDeath: English is not my first languange. Javanese> Bahasa Indonesai > English