The 9th Wheel by Sean Halket - Short, Comedy, Animation, Sci Fi - Pluto gets some unexpected news from his fellow planets. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was the story of my life. Lunch in high school. Unfortunately, you're story was just fair to me. I liked the dialogue.

You could trim this to be a two pager. Or expand a bit to be three. Need a better ending punchline IMO. It was a cute story. Just one I've heard many times before. Told in a different way. Not bad tho, Not bad.

James

I get the irony of it and I do think it was funny. Neptune repeating Saturn all the time was funny too.
I think you could tighten it, both descriptions and the dialog, omit stuff in parenthesis maybe.
on page 1 Pluto's "what?" is not necessary I think.
Overall I enjoyed it.

The story was cute, but the payoff, at the end, wasn't enough.  This script was essentially a dramatized joke.

I had a problem with the opening joke, with Uranus.  The way it is written, it wouldn't make sense on the screen.  Who would know that this was Uranus talking?  Something to think about, I believe...


Phil

Nice, short, cute, and sweet. Just like back in elementary school where kids don't allow another kid to join them.

Obviously this is more like a comedic skit than a real story, so I'm not gonna dwell on setup, conflict, etc. But the characters are funny, especially Venus sweating under pressure! Gave me a chuckle.

Nothing much else to say. Watch out for typos, passive verbiage, and use of adverbs.

I enjoyed it.

Herman

I kind of expected this kind of story when I first read your teaser.  Although I had expected the planets to be more like Hollywood stars than school kids when they gave Pluto the bad news.

To find out what Pluto is up to, read my Widow's Peek story in this week's batch of scripts.  It's based on my World Power maxi-series, which was created two years before the recent classification of planets.

I thought this was funny...although I do agree with the comment about trimming things up.

This is the quality of script that gets script of the day, huh?  Loaded with typos and a lengthy punchline.  Very unclear at times.  You say (ALL) more in 3 pages than I've said it in (ALL) of my life.  Go back and read how many times (ALL) is used in this script.  

With that said, It reminds me of the breakfast commercial for sausage or something.  Where all the guys are dressed up like planets and bouncing off One another.  Could be funny if done right.

Uranus says he farted on someone. Of course he did. Hilarious.

No need to say "at what Uranus just said" we know because they are laughing after he said it.


"TRAY of food"

"Venus is sweating" Haha. Too funny. But everything after that is just over explaining. we get why he's sweating. He's under the pressure of the question AND he's Venus so it adds in on the joke. We know he's hot. You don't have to tell us.

You would think the moon would be the bully since there are so many of him. Or a girl, maybe cheerleader. He definitely wouldn't be an outcast. And they would have already had this conversation. Actually, the moon would be the closest friend. He should be the one they like the most since he's always right next to them. Okay, maybe since he is always around, they find him annoying.

Yeah you might say I'm looking too into it, but I pick apart all children movies in the same fashion. It's just what I do :)

Overall, it was entertaining and funny.

EXT.SPACE - LUNCH TABLE - NIGHT - Probably the best slug-line I've seen in a long time. Ad: Location Manager Required-Must have experience in space travel...

Cute story, vaguely told. You write like you are young - not an insult, 'cos if you're not young, then cue to sharpen up a little.

Came across to me as an advert you might watch - someone else here refered to an advert.

Couple of things I didn't get:

The Venus bit - kinda thought Mercury would be the one sweating? Hope I haven't missing something here?

The Moon bit - didn't get that at all. The Moon has never been a planet, so they wouldn't hang out with it would they? Whole premise of the script is that Pluto was a planet, but now he isn't so they can't be buddies with him. So I think the ending's flawed.

Liked the idea, thought, and could be worked into something.

Simon

I enjoyed this, it was cute. I really liked the childish dialogue between the planets. One thing I notice was on page 3, you used a - to cut off speech when you should use --. Overall, nice little short.

I thought the story was pretty funny. Nothing new, but wasn't a waste of my time. It was a quick read, and the visuals resonated in my head, clearly, but was slightly overdone. Look for more descriptive words, to make the descriptions more concise, but just as effective. Nice story overall, though.

-Devin