La Colera Del Rayo by Sean Halket - Short, Thriller - When James returns to his old town to bury his supposodly dead brother, Ray, Ray returns, with nothing but vengence on his mind. 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

First few pages are dialogue exposition and really don't hook me in order to read any more.

What is wrong with that kind of dialogue?

The exposition dialogue has dispelled the chance at mystery you could have had. We know Ray is alive now. We know who the bad guy is, are (if you include the cops). Maybe if I read further, I'll find out James is a karate or weapons expert and cleans house in this little town 'cause it done his family wrong. Where's Charles Bronson when you need him?

Maybe you could show me some of that exposition? Some shot of that Jasper fellow in his vintage Tans Am rumbling about town, shoving a pistol into his glovebox? Maybe show the cops playing poker with Jasper?

Another problem for me is that I get the impression that Danny doesn't know James and here we have Danny dressing down James like he's the brother who never shows up for family events that are fun, before eveyone dies. Who is Danny to be doing that? Why isn't James telling Danny to F-off? You know, punch Danny in the face.

It's the little things that count.

Not even for my brother would I do this sort of thing.  I found the whole story unbelievable.