The Perfect Ending by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - Amy's present is her past. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Don.

Thanks for posting this after all the problems.

Martin.

Hi there again, Martin. You're a prolific writer, got so many scripts up in such a short time!

Now back to the script. Personally, I think this is just alright. The conversation between Amy and Beth sounded very natural and nonchalant. It was easy to understand their speech and know what they're talking about. However, it lacked zip.

I think the problem is that their conversation went on for too long without giving us some turning points or twists. There was obviously no tension or conflict (but I know you didn't intend to have any here), so there's nothing to anticipate. As a result, the conversation dragged.

Maybe you can trim the part about Beth's having divorce and tighten up other parts as well. There's the subplot of Beth as she;s trying to get used to her new job. That could go, too.

I'm not sure if you intended to setup **SPOILER** that Joe had already died as a twist. But it was very apparent in the beginning already when you mentioned the picture. Joe was in the navy, Amy is old and is alone at an elderly home, so it automatically comes to mind that Joe is already dead at war.

Not too thrilled about Beth's last line. Don't think she would say that. It sounded almost comical.

Overall, it's not bad, but this type of story has been done a lot of times before.


Herman

Hey Martin,

Like Herman said, you ain't wasting no time.  Good for you.

I enjoyed this one.  Thought it was a nice, little sweet story.  You continue to have a nice grasp for descirpition, and getting one into the mood.  Couple of notes below.

I notice that you dropped a couple of commas in situations like the following:

"Happy birthday Amy. How are you
sweetheart?"

S/B "Happy birthday, Amy" - I believe.

"Nurse BETH STEWART (20’s)
vivacious, buxom, nurse’s outfit, one step away from every
man’s fantasy enters, hands behind her back."

Great line, here.  Or maybe it's just cause you were reading my mind after a couple of beers.  

"You’re running from memories and my
memory’s running from me."

Another good one.

"Amy’s suffering from dementia. Joe
was killed at Pearl Harbor. Been
dead over sixty years."

This kind of struck me, as I got more of a Brit feel from reading this.

"Oh my God. Joe did come for her!"

After all those great lines, I think I would strike this line.  Feels rushed.  I'd either end with Toni's line, or find another way to end, but this ending didn't quite work for me.

All in all, enjoyed it.  Maybe needs a little editing as at times, it felt a bit rushed, bt I think you have a nice little short here.

Craig

Hi Herman.

Once again thanks for the read.

This was an exercise for me to see if I could write a more compassionate script. Most of mine to date have had varying degrees of violence in them.

I also tried to show how people are always seeking something they either don't have or have lost (Amy longing for Beth's youth, and Beth for Amy's love).

Joe's death was not meant to be the main twist here, but the fact that Amy managed to get the picture, as she is bedridden. Maybe it didn't work, or was too subtle?

The last line....yeah I know. 'Nuff said.

Thanks again.

Martin.

Hey Craig.

Glad you liked it.

I wrote the' nurse' line on the heels of a serious night out and I am a Brit, so I guess that's where the empathy comes from.

As I said to Herman. I was trying to prove to myself that I could write a more compassionate script. Hope I did that without being too bland.

Y'know, commas are my best friend and worst enemy. Sometimes i don't and sometimes I overdo.

What, to, do, huh?

Thanks so much for the read. Gonna take time today to read yours.

Best.

Martin.

Hey Chelsea.

Alright, your logline got me with its brevity.

Nice effort for trying something new to you. Good to challenge yourself but this one as you yourself mentioned is bland in it's predictability. it was clear writing. I too enjoyed the "my memories running from me" line and thought the dialogue should have stopped one line earlier. Give the audience some credit. I did feel compassion for Amy through Beth so that was good. I did wonder about Amy's desire for her youth again and the movement of the picture as being a tad to subtle.

Hope this helps.

Gary

Hi Gary. It all helps.

Thanks so much for the read.

I'm trying trying to calm my overwriting down as well as my overall writing. Guess it's gonna take some time.

The last line....I'm embarrassed....you are absolutely right....I should give the audience some/more credit. (God, when am I gonna improve?)

Once again, thanks for the read and advice.  

pg 4 typo. Action sentence in middle. No knew Character header afterwards.

AMY
Would you? I have a problem doing
that now, same as walking. Can’t
seem to get my legs working.
Amy points to the sideboard.
The brush is in there.
(beat)
I think you’ll find some lipstick
and stuff too. Got to make myself
look pretty for my Joe. He likes me
to look pretty.

(CONT’D,O/S) pg. 8  No need for this. Amy's dialogue was interrupted.  Just (O.S.)

This was good. Felt a bit derivative of the notebook. Your dialogue was impressive.
I had to go back. read again where th picture was to get this. Obviously she can't walk. So it was brought to her.

Didn't like how it was on a sideboard. Maybe sitting on a mantel would be more visual. To get the point at least.

Overall, good work. I do confess, when she kept saying Joe was coming for her at 1, I got where this was going. Liked it, nonetheless..

james

Hi James.

Thanks for the read and the typo spot. Glad you liked it.

All the best.

Martin.

Hi all,

Martin this is a well written script.

I agree with Coding to an extent about Joe being dead because of the picture, but then I thought maybe Joe is someone else she got involved with after her husband's death and she was trying to impress him...That's at least until I realised her memory was fading.

You say in one of your posts that one of the twists is how she managed to get the picture, but surely Joe got it for her?

And finally, if this were filmed  The part when both nurses have their backs turned while Amy is talking to Joe is too obvious of a sign that something is happening and has an inevitably they will notice something when they turn back to her.

Hope this helps.

Hey 24.

Thanks for the read and glad you enjoyed the script.

With the picture thing, I was really trying to suggest that Joe's spirit was present and you're correct it was he who gave it to Amy. A subtle (or not so) indication of the very strong bond between them.

Once more as we've discussed before, the nurses turning their backs reflects my naivete in film making. Some days you just wish you had a mentor!

Thanks again and all the best.

Martin.

Hey Martin,

The story started out all right... maybe just a tad bit overwritten in the beginning... but only a tad.

Like I said, it started out all right, pretty interesting actually, but the main downfall of the story is that on page 3, it just became all too predictable.  And, because it became too predictable, it made the whole rest of the story, as good as it was written, go to cheese.  Soon, every line... every sentiment... became cheesy and over-melodramatic.  (Trust me, I know a thing or two about being melodramatic.)

This story, because of its predictability, goes the way of a soap opera instead of a dramatic ending.  Everything every character says is very easy to tell that it's just setting up the ending, and that's when a script loses the reader.  When you can tell it's being set up.  Even the last line  -  OMG!  JOE DID COME FOR HER!  -  Yuck.  I cringed when I read that.

Otherwise, with the technical stuff, it was pretty well written.  Like I said, you got these 5 description paragraphs in the beginning that could be cut down a bit.  I'm a huge fan of descriptive writing, but there's a couple adjectives and almost every adverb you have is unneccesary.  You can chop them out and not lose anything descriptively.  "Intelligent... still evident... awaiting their next attachment... one step away from every man's dreams..."  All of those are unneccesary in a script.  And about every adverb can be deleted.  "Sparsely... proudly... stunningly... gentilely... excitedly... dramatically..."  All those are only on the first page, which is the only page that's really overwritten.  Lol.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that 'Adverbs should be sparsely used.'  :-)  They more or less kind of just jumble things up and if you reread it, playing close attention to all the L-Y's in your script, they're unnecessary.

Otherwise, technically, it was well-written.  Just a little bit too predictable, and that's what really made it more of a soap opera than the dramatic piece I think you were going for.

-  Mark

Hi Mark.

Once again thanks for the read. You are teaching me a whole shitload of stuff here. Thank you and when I can get a decent computer to work on, I'll return the favor.

Yours very gratefully.

Martin.