The Shifter - Print Topic

Scott,

I think you have a good concept here, with the teenage shape shifter escaping the NSRA.  This has some real potential, I think.  But, as it stands now, this script felt like a missed opportunity for me.  First, the pacing of the story is too slow and lethargic.  You need more action in Act I to set a lightning pace for the rest of the story.  David's escape felt too conventional, turning into a guard, then a rabbit and a dog.  I'd let your imagination run wild here.  The guy can turn into literally anything.  Show us something we've never seen before.  Right now, the shapeshifting comes off more like a Terminator 2 retread.

We need to know more about David.  He's been locked up in that place for 16 years.  Give us a little backstory.  What experiments did they perform?  What exactly is going through his head?  Being sixteen is tough enough, but being locked up your whole life in a cell?  The kid's mind must be a storm of emotions.  And once he breaks out, I think you need to show his fear and wonder of the outside world.  He adapts too easily as it stands right now.  You never really show David as anything other than a one-dimensional psychopath.  And the same must be said for Philbin.  For a doctor, this guy is an incredibly cold-blooded killer.  I think you need to decide who the bad guy is here...David or Philbin.  Having two extremely unlikeable characters running around killing yokels just doesn't make for an exciting read.

The story needs more urgency.  It just sort of drags right now.  Maybe insert a "ticking clock" device into the plot.  Like if David isn't found within 48 hours, he will transform into something truly horrible.  Just an idea.  But, you need to raise the stakes dramatically.

Like I said, I think you're onto something with the concept, but dig a lot deeper into David's mind and come up with a fresher storyline and inventive twists we never saw coming.  Good luck with it.

Ryan