Werewolve of London: Kragen by Gary Rademan - Short - A man needs help from a werewolf. 4 pages  A WOL script - pdf, format 8)

This was an experiment in screenwriting as far as I am concerned. One  way of looking at this is that It does not follow your typical format regarding writing. Meaning WAY TOO MUCH ACTION AND ZERO DIALOG.

In fact, only five lines are spoken throughout the entire script. To film this IMO would be easy, but to convay that it is a script regarding the song Werewolf in London and have the viewers know that by what is written would be very, very tough.

Nice job! Very outside of the box.

Shawn.....><

Gary, in so many ways, I really liked this and thought you did a great job.  ballsy approach for sure.

There are some issues with confusion in some of your writing, but overall, I thought it worked pretty damn well.

Biggest issue for me is your SLUGS.  For instance, if you're in TRADER VICK'S, it's foolish to label your SLUG "RESTAURANT". Same with a couple others, like right off the friggin' bat with LONDON vs SOHO. Use your SLUGS to your full advantage.

Very unique approach here, though, dude.  I like it!

Hi Gary. Yep, very different take on the challenge.

I didn't have any prob with the limited dialogue - the actions said everything needed in the context of the tale.
Did the name 'Kragen' mean anything? It just seemed an unusual name to pick for a short.

Anyway, I thought it was pretty good and it juxtaposes well with the comedy scripts for the challenge.

cheers stevie

Thanks guys  for the reads!

Shawn, Thanks. I wanted this to be a very visual piece - I took Babz instructions re; little or no exposition to a hyper level. As far as the story not being recognizabe as based on the WOL lyrics, there are many references but not direct quotes. I was inspired by Babz comment "to just write a story." I like the ""Out of the box" comment

Jeff, glad you liked it. After rereading it, I see what you mean re: the confusion in the writing esp. in the fight scene (a fight scene in a  WOL entry?!). the slug lne thing was an experiment to make for a cleaner looking generic slug with more descripton following. Your comments were spot on so I'll embrace th preferred way of slugging it out. I was wondering if anyone would notice.

Stevie, glad for te positive comments. Five lines of dialogue? Wow! I hope they were good. Kragen, I believe, was the name of the villain in Werewolve and Lycans popular a few years ago. I just thought it was a cool name and a way to set my piece apart.

Thanks again guys. This was as challenging as a OWC!

Gary

Gary,

I have to agree with the others for the route you took here, limited dialogue, this little piece came off very well.  Much lighter side too then "Hobos."  Yes, I read that one too, it was good but this one was much better.  JMO.

Anyway good stuff

Ghost

Ghost!

Thanks for the read. It was a different approach for me. Glad you liked it. Always makes me feel like I am making progress.

Gary

Hey Gary,

Well, this one was a lot better than the Hobo script (not saying the hobo script was bad though). This one seems like you spent more time on it. A better story.

SPOILERS


TURN BACK NOW IF YOU DIDN'T READ


THIS MEANS YOU

;D ;D ;D


Ok Gary,  

I liked the visuals here.  Especially the fight among wolves.  That was pretty neat when he turned into Kragen.

So Kragen was really a good guy...
I wonder how James will turn out since he got scratched?

Was that the queen's head in the bag?

Is that why James was following Kragen?
She was his friend, and Kragen's sister?

Maybe this could benefit from a little more dialogue to explain why James is following him???

Good job though,

Cindy

Hi Gary,

This script is not for me.  Didn't enjoy it.

I wondered why someone on page two would hyperventilate yet three weeks prior in the flashback goes tracking a werewolve as if he does this on a regular basis.  It doesn't fit with the man's mindset.

Sorry, not for me,


JT

Pg. 1 though - through
Pg. 2 mar - mark
Pg. 3 fire escapes - there are no fire escapes that are visually seen in London.  They're built into buildings with a door on the ground floor.  Especially in Mayfair.

Hi Cindy!

Thanks for the read. Glad you liked it. It is better than Hobos in effort alone. A lot more time.

Interesting questions,

Kragen was the  hero.

James wasn't bitten just scratched. So no danger for us mortals.

No, it wasn't the Queen's head, but good idea.

James followed Kragen in the flashback because he was looking for Kragen to tell him his sister had been killed by another 'wolf,. He was following him later to see if Kragen did the job.  I agree, this was shortchanged in the story.

Yes. friend and sister.

Excellent questions, You never know how poeple read it.

Thanks again. I need to be more clear.

Gary

Jayrex.

Sorry, you didn't like this one. I appreciate the candor and  the time you took to point out errors and inconsistencies.

Gary

Hey Gary,

What I really liked about this one was that this is the first of the WOL script I've read that actual had an interpretation of the lyrics - instead of "just" taking the lyrics verbatum and adding visuals around them. You get top points from me in that regards.

I also have to admit that the story in itself did not work wonders for me. I guess it could benefit from a couple of pages more (but, hey, that was not an option).

So, some good stuff and some not so good stuff - imo.

Cheers
Rob

Gary,

After reading the comments, I understand this one a bit more.  James' sister was killed by the other werewolf and he enlisted Kragen to kill the other wolf.  Is that right?  I have no problem with your format and style.  Your pages looked clean and everything flowed well.  It's just that the story was too murky for me to follow.  I guess the challenge was coming up with a story concept and finding ways to creatively get those song lyrics in there.  But, this felt like a much longer tale shortened down to four pages.  Too many of the crucial plot elements are merely mentioned instead of actually taking place during the story (i.e. the sister's death).  I think you could have used that first page to set up the story more clearly instead of James just following Kragen down the street.

Interesting take on the challenge.

Ryan

Sniper!

Thanks for the read. Much appreciated. Yeah, it was a different approach for me and the challenge. After reading the other comments. I need to improve some things.

-Gary

Interesting how different we all are.

I thought this one was fine, but not as good as Hobos...

The beginning was better than the end for me.

Nice crisp writing! I try to write that way too.  :)

Okay, so I've read all of these WOL now and my #1 pick was Shelton's and #2 was Cindy's. You all did great though.

Ryan,

Thanks for the time to read and comment on this one. Yes, your interpretation is correct. I do appreciate your comment on my style... I worked hard on that. The murky comment, unfortunately, is spot on. More pages would have helped and some dialogue. I liked your suggestion to have a sister scene first. I need to see that murky water before I post.

Thanks again!

Gary

Pia,

Thanks for the clean, crisp writing comment on this one. I worked hard on it. Maybe next time it'll come more natural.

As always, thanks for the time to read and comment.

Gary