The Nightmare Hour by Richard Buckley (cathead) - Short, Horror - Beware of what you dump on Mother nature, she might like the taste… 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Oh, Richard, where to begin, where to begin?

So many things wrong here.  Just about everything, actually.  Totally incorrect SLUGS everywhere.  Incoherent writing, incoherent story, incorrect intro's, poor grammar, writing, punctuation, Unfilmables...

Sorry, but I can't say there's anything working here at all, and I'm clueless as to what's supposed to be going on, who anyone is, where anyone is, or why anyone is doing whatever it is they're doing.

Sorry.

I believe in the end, this was all just a stroy being told on the air. That I get.

The actual story though, was all over the map. I pride myself on my lack of intelligence, but I have to say, it is quite possible for even smarter men than me to have any understanding of this script.

If Jeff doesn't get it, it can't be got!

Sorry.

Shawn.....><

HA!  Shawn, you're funny.  I'm dumb, as well...and drinking heavily...and getting dumber...

So, Shawn, are you saying you do get this script?  I'm literally and completely clueless as to what the fuck is going on, and/or why.

Jeff,

What I got from the script was on the last paragraph. Wrapping up a show with a new script being handed to him.

Other than that. ?????????

Shawn.....><

On#3 of a 40-

I didn't think the formatting was as bad as previously discussed, though there were some problems.  My big concern was the story.  You were bouncing around from one thing to another which didn't work at all for me.  Any one of the story elements could've been your story, but together it was like a stupid kid running around with a bucket on his head.


Phil

Old 40?

# 3 of V & RS

Nicely played, Jeff.

dogglebe, That  is FUNNY. A bucket on his head. LOL...

Shawn.....><

Oh dear looks like i've confused the hell out of everyone...

Anyway thanks for the reads/comments guys, this is my first attempt a voice over script, so I knew i'd get into a bit of trouble.

SPOILERS

For what it's worth the story is about a d.j from a late night horror show. the reader is 'suppose' to  think he's telling just another horror story, but he's actually telling the story of how he killed his wife and her lover dumped their bodies in the lake and got away with it.

Hmm.  I don't know about this one.  Yeah, the story was all over the place.  And I didn't understand why he was in Radio Shack.

The story in general just didn't make much sense.  I understood he killed his wife and his wife's lover.  But who's the third person in the bag.  He throws three bags.

I don't know, but one thing I can suggest is reading a lot more screenplays on the site and take to heart the advice everybody gives you.

-  Mark