Downs Gangster by Simon Colligan (SiColl007) - Drama, Crime - A man with Down's Syndrome inherits the family's crime business and has to ensure he retains control in a world where there are few who can be trusted. 51 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Simon,

This is a very interesting piece.

I wouldn't normally read a short over 10 pages. However, the logline was interesting and I thought...well, I'll read the first 10 pages only. Anyway, I read 20 pages.

On the whole it's very well written. A few mistakes here and there, but nothing that stood out. Moreover, the dialogue seemed realistic and believable. I'm no expert on Italian American gangsters (although, like everyone else have seen the Godfather triology), but it worked just fine in my humble opinion. Characters worked just great. Locations were good too. A tip: when there's dialogue and someone adds someone else's name at the end, put a comma before the name e.g. I can't stand those sorts of mistakes, Eric.

SPOLIERS

The Down's Syndrone character is clearly the fulcrum of this story and is the most intriguing thing about it. Can someone (Olly) be a gangster boss despite his disability? Can the father have influenced/taught him so well that he can root out his brother's behaviour?

The issue I have is that I know very little about the Down's Syndrome condition and therefore, I have no idea how 'believable' this is. Could someone with Down's really understand the complexity of what's going on around him (even with support from Alf) and make decisions accordingly? I don't know the answer and therefore, can't judge if it's believable. Maybe the rest of the story will help me out.

I'd like to finish this story at some point to see what happens.

Well done,
Thornton

And one more thing....it's a little slow burning in terms of the start. Personally, I don't have a problem with that, but in today's world of 'give it to me and give it to me, NOW!' you may have an issue there.

Hi there - thanks for the feedback - I really wanted to write this, but didn't know if it would work myself - I do know that people with DS has been in pictures before, and are capable of giving good character delivery. I don't even know if it would legal to have someone with DS run a business (as the business is trying to go legit), so there is quite a few things (issues) that might occur with this - but thanks for reading, and glad that you liked it...
Simn