Pay Back by Martin Cox (chelsea) - Short, Drama - When four young punks set out for a big payday, they get much more than they bargained for. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Martin,

Hope all is well.  I've enjoyed your other pieces, so I was happy to give this one a read.  It read quickly, which is a compliment to your writing, but I have to be honest, I didn't care for this story as much as some of your others.

Below are a few notes I took.

P. 1

�I�ll shoot your fuckin� arse!�

I�ve noticed this a bit in some of your other scripts.  You�ll be going along fine in believable, �American� vernacular, but then you slip back into British jargon.

I�d drop the �arse�.  Maybe something like, �I�ll cap your fuckin� ass!�

P. 2

�A stunning Oriental beauty, dressed in a flowing jade green evening gown, glides to Ed�s side.�

I like the cut of your jib here, but shouldn�t it be �Asian� beauty?  Always thought Oriental referred to objects.  I could be wrong though.

P. 2

�Danny runs past a beat up Chevvy parked on a driveway.�

S/B �CHEVY�.

P. 4

�Danny sits in the passanger seat, Joe in back.�

S/B �PASSENGER�.

P. 6

�Zak is inside the trunk, rummaging for something to steal, cleaver in hand.�

Interesting choice of weapons here.  Something very primal and scary about it.

P. 11

�Chuck? Just heard. Thanks man. I owe you one...later man.�

This is another instance where I am a bit confused of the audience you are writing for.  This seems more informal, more American, I suppose.  I keep harping on this, because as a reader, without any visuals, I think you interpret the dialogue in order to better understand the setting.

I guess I'm just a little confused by this one, Martin.  I understand that your main is some sort of underworld boss, and that you were trying to give a head fake with his beaing an ordinary "family man", but it came off a little disjointed for me.

Maybe start by showing him doing something terrible, and then contrast that with him taking his wife out for a dinner date.  

Ultimately, I know you are a talented dude, but this one didn't stand up to some of your others for me.  It just felt a little rushed.  I wouldn't abandon it, but I think I would take a little more time with it to flesh it out a bit.  Best of luck.

CR

Hey Craig thanks for the read man.

Yeah I guess I do slip between Brit and U.S. terminology, still trying to work that one out.

This story, is true (up to the point where the four guys are 'offed')but everything else happened just as chronicled to my wife , myself and my driver. I was told it would be cathartic to put it down on paper, and it has helped, although my wife still cannot read it.

Yes, my wife is  a very stunning Oriental beauty and I'm very blessed to still have her.

Once more thanks for the read and the valuable tips as always.

Very best.

Martin.

First off, thought blow was cocaine. The expensive shit. Don't see a ragedy wastoid wanting to machete rich people to score it. Maybe crack or heroin...

"She grabs Ed's tux and flings it at him" - after she put on the tie? Maybe jacket would work better. The tux is the whole ensemble.


Example of your overwriting...


"Ed and Anita are still talking unaware of what is happening
outside." - remove this sentence. Tell me if it takes anything away from your script besides space. If they're holding hands, talking like they are, they are obviously unaware. Minimize.

I bet you could cut 3 pages from this with tighter writing.


Didn't like it. The ending was the best part. But, I really have no reason to understand what he's gonna do. Is he just gonna shoot her? Them both? Or just carry around a .357 the rest of his life to make things okay?

I'm sure i've missed somethings. Late here. Probably my least favourite of yours so far Martin. Cuz I really dig most of your stuff.

James

Hi James.

Sorry you didn't like it. Just wrote it as it happened.

In reality i/we carry an ASP not a Magnum.

Best

Martin.