Spring Comfort by Darren J Seeley - Short, Horror - An overworked ad executive cannot sleep in his hotel room, due to a demonically possessed mattress. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

What does multi tasking hands mean? Fidgeting?  Oh... quick hands. I see.

"Some of the marks are deep enough confirm what he discovered a few minutes ago: just enough to draw a small amount of blood."  I don't understand the description.

"You used the word "didn't" That's past tense. You don't use past tense in screenplays. This is starting to rad more like a book than a screenplay.

You use the colon too many times. You've already used it like 3 times.

He would have said WAY more than the springs poked him in the back.

Ha! This is definitely a scene STRAIGHT OUT of a Japanese horror movie. Good job on that. But as I said, a scene. This was not a complete story to me. The back story was way to rushed and almost insignificant. A guy was killed in the room. What does that have to do with a spiked mattress? I think there should have been a better connection with the mattress. Well actually I think the main character should have a link with the murder. If you think about it, the entire story behind the guys stay is irrelevant to the story. It could either all be cut out or as I said before, somehow link together with the killing.

You also need to work on your writing. It's not up to screenplay standards. It reads really stiff. Your scenes are supposed to flow, and I don't see your "voice"

That can only be obtained with practice, so keep on. The imagination is there, you just need to learn how to convert it smoother on page.

Darren,
This was a fun read. I'm hoping your intent was to have this fall into the comedy/horror genre, not straight up horror. Thought it was like a mix of Paranormal Activity and Up in the Air. Which is weird.
Even though it's all set in one location, it never became stale due to your descriptions, which were effective in most cases.

There were some cool visuals with the mattress springs, I couldn't help but picture a bunch of demonic slinky's. I was hoping the entire room would become possessed, maybe a demonic mini-bar?

The ending was a bit abrupt and could use a touch up. Some of the formatting is a bit off, but you succeeded in telling a cohesive story here.
Good work,
Nate

Hey Darren,

Yeah, I'd say a discount is in order.

I thought this was pretty cool, but this type of horror is not always my cup of tea, because it requires the reader or the viewer to really suspend belief.  There is no problem with that obviously, because that is part of the reason we go to the movies.  For me, I need to be in the mood.

As Nate said, I thought you definetly had some cool visuals of the springs cutting into the skin and all, and I must admit that I was a little creeped out.  I also liked the reference to bed bugs as they have been a hot topic of conversation in NYC lately.

A couple of things that jumped out to me.  

First, I think you need to figure out a more believeable reason to keep Barry in the room.  As Jeanpierre mentioned, when he's on the phone with the front desk, I'd think he would be freaking out a bit more.  Maybe he's really drunk though and doesn't trust his senses and then the front desk tells him that this is the only room available, so he has to do a cost-benefit analysis of leaving the room or trying to get back on the road.  As is, there is no way in hell that anyone is going to stay one second more in that room.

Secondly, with regard to the murdered girl, I think you need to make a stronger connection as to why or how she was killed.  As its currently constructed, it just kind of comes out of left field a bit.  What does the Japanese angle have to do with it?  Also, why does the bed attack in this way?  Was the girl somehow killed by springs?

Anyway, don't mean to over think it too much, because I thought it was a cool, little short, but I'd just think about adding a few things to flesh it out a bit more.

Best of luck.

Craig

Right off the bat, I thought this was a neat idea. Goofy but in an obviously fun, almost Sam Raimi way. The title as well.

This is what I was thinking before I even read the script... so I was really surprised you actually played this straight for the most part. Although I knew what was going to happen (based on your logline), I could picture the initial scene of Barry waking up on the floor hours later with the snowy TV. I felt the strangeness, the eeriness of it. I also thought the wrinkled sheets were a nice touch. If it weren't for your logline, I would've been really on edge at this point, not having any idea what just happened. Something supernatural but nothing clear cut.

The springs retreating into the mattress were a nice touch as well. Very subtle. Very creepy.

Things went the Sam Raimi root I expected when the mattress actually came to life and started attacking Barry. The bed spring hand had a particularly hokey charm.

With the image of the Japanese girl, I felt you ended the script with a more sinister note, much like how you started the script. I thought everything came full circle atmospherically as well as story-wise. I dug it a lot.

What little dialogue there was, I didn't care for. It was very on-the-nose with a lot of word choices specifically chosen for the audience's benefit. I'd give it a few revisions and try to focus on inference or at least a less obvious way of letting the audience know about the character. Right now, it reads rather poorly.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this one. I hope you're around to read these comments. Make yourself know if you can. Other writers will appreciate it.

I decided to respond here first due tothe subject being in regards to one of my recently posted short scripts here.

First, I apologize for the delay in my response. The mods had to (finally) clear me. It's okay, I understand the reasons for it- my approval was only lost in a shuffle over a long Thing To Do List for the the mod.. I could up until now only read the comments.  It's all good now.

Second, thanks to all those here who have read 'Spring Comfort' and/or some of my other work recently posted on the site. I swim in other lakes: This and other scripts, both short and full length,  are also up on other peer review sites as well. I have two full lengths pending on this site as of this writing. More to come, at least in feedback. I'm just wading in this pool for now.