A Woman Watches by Gary Rademan (grademan) - Short, Drama - A woman watches as her son goes off to war. The pain she feels is universal. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sorry Gary, but this one fell really flat for me.  I couldn't feel for any of the characters.  The reverse POV that you tried doing has been done before in other scripts/movies.

Maybe if you added to the script; it is very short for the story you want to tell.

Oh, and please be more careful in typing your logline.


Phil

I like the theme here. The enemy has mothers too, and they suffer as well.

The plot seems a bit incomplete though. It's just two guys going to war and dying. Nothing wrong with that, but I feel like something more is needed.

The moral of the story, while simple, is worthy and enjoyable. I just think you need to flesh out the plot a bit more.

Good luck.

Phil,

Thanks for the heads up on my script.

I always look forward to your reviews. Honest. Concise.

The logline error almost made me choke.

Someday I’ll get it all together in the same script and logline.

Gary

Mr. Z.

Thanks for the read and words. Now that it has been pointed out, the theme is clear but the story needs more plot, more character -- simply more.

Gary

Nice story here Gary - I too wanted more - there wasn't enough for me grab onto - not that there was anything wrong with what you wrote - it just left me feeling empty, if that makes sense?

There was one line in one of your descriptions I didn't (well someone did say recent that English wasn't my first language, perhaps thats why!) understand, 'eyes wide shut.' Don't get tha at all in relation to the corpse? My understanding is that it's a phrase meaning that if you're in the know, it's better to keep your eyes shut to certain things. So, how does it apply here? Perhaps you can elobrate on that visual.

Hey Badbaz,

Kudos for reading the shortest short I've written. I wrote it as an exericse in displaying emotions without words. I agree, there's  a desire for more story.

The phrase "Eyes wide shut" is me trying to be cool with my words. It was supposed to mean "died with his eyes wide" as in complete surprise but closed. Too clever for my own good.

Gary

I don't think Toby would be standing at attention if his mom was crying, wishing him farewell.

Lets his breath out and squeezes - what do you mean? I assumed Aziz pulled the trigger to his gun but the bullet struck him. Maybe it was meant to think that he shot, but it was really the other guy. It read kind of confusingly.

I don't really know what eyes wide shut means. I thought it was just something clever. Are they open or closed? I'm assuming opened, but they are empty. Like a blank gaze. Basically dead.

I've seen this done before so it was no surprise. It was okay because of the subject, but it needed to be more interesting. I didn't feel for that characters. They were just bodies, waiting to die. I understand the message, but it was too "in your face" I would try to find a better way to convey what you want to say.  

If you have a chance, take a look at my script "Z Relief"  Thanks.

Hey JP425,

Thanks for reading this! It is a short swipe at a story. I was trying to go for the emotional thing without words. Fell kinda short, but I liked it.

The answers are:

Squeezes the trigger.

Chest out while Mom was there? Maybe for a picture. Naw, you got me on that one.

Eyes wide shut - see my explanation above. Got me on that one too.

Z Relief - Is it okay if I read just 2 pages? Just kidding. I'll read it,

Gary

Gary, a short short??

ELLIE, a woman in her fifties, won’t look at his uniform.
TOBY, late teens, puffs his chest out, stands at attention.

This read poorly to me. Intro him first. Then we know who she's looking at. Uhp, now I see. You're trying to write this a bit poetically?

EXT. NORTHEAST PAKISTAN - DAY

Slug doesn't work for me. Might as well be EXT. TEXAS - DAY . How do we know we're in Pakistan?  I would assume by their descriptions we would gather we're in the middle east, but you don't describe anyone or anything. Just give us names, that aren't ever said on film.

Maybe a man runs by waving a pakistani flag. She wears a burqa.

Yep, got what you were trying to do here. But you missed the mark IMO. Your story is heart felt, but it needs a couple more pages to really hit home.  I know you were trying to do something very short. It's just the lack of visuals take away from the emotion of the story. I really couldn't get a good picture of anything.

Hope this helps if you do a rewrite.

James

Thanks James.

I bit off less than I could chew on this one. I am glad you got it but was honest enough to say this emperor wasn't wearing any clothes when writing this one.

It'll be a while before I try to rewrite this one.

Thanks for the suggestions, I am contacting you on my next short! :)

Gary

Hey Gary, I know what you're trying to do here and I think it works to some degree.

Basically, you're showing young men going into war on both sides and how their mothers (and all the other mothers at the end) react the same way.

Once again, this is more than an incident but not a well-rounded story yet. However, I know it's not your true intention and I understand what you're trying to achieve.

You could've tightened some of the description. There's some action that is a little too detailed where on screen it would just take seconds. Like touching the son's cheek, tears roll down, squeezing son's hand, smiles, etc.

Overall, I enjoyed it and I especially liked your last paragraph where the screen continues to split into smaller images of mothers grieving.


Herman

Hello Herman!

Thanks for the time to read this and make comments.  I'm glad you got what I was trying to do.  Simple enough in concept, difficult in execution.  Two pages for a story of this type is foolhardy.  I've learned a lot from my last two stories even if they hadn't been critically acclaimed.  I know I can do better.

Gary

This was an interesting writing exercise (as you described it).  Don't beat yourself up over needing more as you said.  It's an exercise more than a story right now.  

I feel you wrote a few really striking images - especially in the combat scenes.

Hey Gary,

I liked it, short and sweet.

Less about the story and more about the image of war the suffering is matched on both sides, which then lends itself to the overall story of war.

All the best,


Javier

You have decided to aim for some very serious themes here, and I applaud you for that.  However, I think there is a huge and personal story in this that you have missed.  These characters and themes could fill a feature if used properly.  It would be a strong, political and moving film.  However, over 3 pages it just feels shallow and preachy.

See 'Sympathy for the Devil' by me for a similar example.  Flesh out everything.

Jayrex,

Short short and sweet, glad you liked it.

Gary

Mike1322,

I liked the combat scene also. Glad you liked the imagery in my little exercise. ;)

Gary

Hey K,

Thanks for the sound advice, I have to work on fleshing things out esp, characters.

Gary

Hi Gary,

First off, I thought this was very well written, so kudos for that.

As far as it needing more, well that's a tough call, because I kind of see it both ways and am a bit conflicted about it myself, so I'm not sure how much help this is going to be.

On the one hand, I like the "short and sweet" aspect of it.  I like the idea of getting in, and getting out quickly.  In doing so, there is less of a chance for mucking things up.  So in that regard, I think this works as is.  On the other hand, the theme tends to cry out for more.

It's a very interesting concept that is rife with conflict, and this is where you might get into trouble as far as people wanting more. I happen to be a political person, who doesn't mind a good argument, so I have my own ideas about this kind of thing. For instance, while I may be a bit biased, my initial reaction was to wonder Shatha did as a mother that led her son to this place.  I mean I understand the whole concept here that there are young people dying on both sides, but are there "innocents" dying on both sides?  Is there a right, or wrong, here?

Now this may not have been your objective, but speaking just for this reader, these are some of the things taht popped into my head.

In any event, I applaud you for getting me thinking about a 3 page script.  Nicely done, and best of luck.

Craig

P.S. with regard to "lets his breath out and squeezes." - I'm a NY boy who knows next to nothing about guns, but I always thought that you pulled the trigger when you held your breath to ensure accuracy.  Or is it the other way around?

Craiger6,

Thanks for the review. This was something I wrote for emotion not polictics but I can see where it could be melded together. Interesting thinking there Craiger6.

As for sharpshooting, I always thought when you exhaled your body was more relaxed than if you held your breath. Don't know where I picked that up cause I not a gun person.

I just googled it, and the consensus appears to be inhale and let half out. So we're both right?

Gary