My River Waits For Me by Gillian Fu (gipattinson) - Short - About a father and daughter that meet for the first time without knowledge of who they are to each other. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi guys,

This is my first script and I would like all the comments you can give so that my future scripts can be improved.

Thanks!
Gillian

I read this after reading Ameila - you have very similar problems in both scripts - the core of the story isn't tangible, well to me anyway.

Gillian,

The best advice I can give you is to download Celtix screenwriting software.  It's free. http://celtx.com/

Sorry, I can't comment on your story right now.  No time.

Stay creative, read other scripts, you'll get the hang of it.  

Also, listen to the Babz's Buzz & other Radio Simply podcasts.
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-RadioSimply/m-1280615768/
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-RadioSimply/m-1280615768/
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-RadioSimply/

I didn't have too much problem with the formatting, atleast problems that could be resolved with screenwriting software.

The story dragged on quite a bit for me.  I could see this script being cut down to six or seven pages, which wouldn't be hard to do.

For starters, eliminate the space between the character's name and the dialog.  It's completely unnecessary.  Eliminating these spaces would probably shave one or two pages off the script.

Your descriptions are extremely wordy.  You need to keep these as brief as you can, in ways that can be recorded by the camera.

Quoted Text NADIA reaches into the boat and takes out a blanket. She also notices that there is an old house behind RIVER. This house obviously used to be new but now brambling trees shroud its appearance and the weather has eroded it’s paint away to a few patches. On the front porch hangs a swing for two people that appears to have seen too many winters and too few summers.

could be cut to:

Quoted Text Nadia pulls a blanket from the boat.  She looks up and sees a house behind River, as weatherbeaten and forgotten as he is.  An old porch swing rocks gently in the breeze.

.

From 69 words to 32 words.

Pretty much, all of your descriptions can be edited like this.  And people are more willing to reading an six page script over a twelve page script.

Read some other scripts and see how other people write.  Then read what the comments are, regarding the scripts.  They're very helpful too.


Phil