It Takes Two by Khamanna Iskandarova (khamanna) - Short, Thriller - A corrupt police officer tries to buy his identical twin's life by offering him dirty money. Little does he know that his impoverished brother has a secret of his own. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

You started a lot of sentences off with "He" in the beginning. Try and switch it up. Add his name for instance.

"Checks out the fresh scar" So he really did cut his neck? Oh, maybe he's just dreaming about what happened in the past.

If there is a knock at the door, then there can't be hurried steps because Steve is already standing there. He has no room for "hurried steps". He can only fling open the door. Hurried steps implies that he is running to the door, and if he is , that should come before the knock.

Now I'm very interested in what these scars mean... I'm assuming some sort of swap.

The voice over seemed out of place. If you're going to have one, it has to be established in the beginning that this is a screenplay with voice overs. Plus, I don't think it was needed. I completely understood the situation without it.

Cole is not dead yet. Barbara wouldn't say "used" to.

You should just say that she gives Steve one last look because that's what we will be seeing on screen. We know that she thinks Steve is her husband.

There was too much jumping back and forth from past to present in my opinion. It was hard to follow.

Sometimes the dialogue would play like a comedy, then serious. It would throw the tone off.

You cut from the bedroom scene to "The mind of Cole" I really didn't understand that. What did you mean? It was confusing.

I think with a couple rewrites this could work. I like the story you are trying to tell, but it didn't come out too smooth.

Thanks JP! I'll incorporate your comments/suggestions in my rewrite.

This was done for Robbie Commeau - he announced a contest on moviepoet, promised to produce the one he liked best. Several of us wrote a short and he never chose anything for production (he did say he liked Scott Merrow's best but didn't produce it either). The requirement was to incorporate his half a page into our short - his half page could be placed either at the beginning or middle of a short - I started with it. From his half page it could be told - he's not that picky (I made slight changes to his half page so now it's more or less okay) Was a good exercise but I won't write for him anymore of course.

By the way, by the "The mind of Cole" - I mean the screenframe winds out and it all goes into his forehead and then we see him lying on bed - means it's all his recollections and on screen it would be more or less clear that it was a flashback in a way. I know Steve Dexheimer (he was one of the feature challenge winners last year and the solar eclipse challenge winner) never uses Flashback and I find this strategy so sleek. But I'm not him...:)
Still trying. Maybe I'll master it. Read his short that won, JP - it has no "flashback" in there, yet you get it's the flashback right away. Same about the script. It's full of dreams and you never know where they start and end and it still makes sense and you don't mind not knowing. I never liked his feature (it felt short) but the style is amazing, I think.

Hey Khamanna

I agree with JP.  The story you are telling is not bad.  I think I can see your style coming through with some of your execution attempts mentioned in JP's post.

I did think that maybe the characters used the names of whom they were speaking to a bit too much.  It's a habit I have so I always notice it in others.

Anyhow, that's my two cents.

Good Luck

Thank you Mike, ditto on the names, I'll try to remember your advice.

Thanks

Khamanna

Hi Khamanna,

I gave this one a read earlier today as I noticed you always take the time to comment on others' work.

I think you have a cool concept here, and I see that you expanded it into a feature.  I haven't read the feature, so I hope that my comments aren't repetitive.

As I said, I think you have a cool idea, and in parts, it defintely worked for me.  In other parts, it was a little uneven.  Again, I realize you may have made changes to this, but the concept is solid, but I felt as though a lot of your dialouge was overly expositional.  While I don't have a problem with Cole's (V.O.), I think you ned to find another way to get the point across, even if it's just a grunt, or a twitch of a toe.

That was my biggest qualm I guess, but all in all, I felt like you had a decent concpet here, and congrats on expanding it into a feature.  I can't seem to get there.

Best of luck.

Craig

Thank you, Craig, I really appreciate you taking a look. You're right about the dialog - what can I do, dialog won't make piece with me. Someone asked the permission to produce this short sometime ago, hope I'll see it someday on screen.
Chances are slim though, like they always are before a script is actually screened.

I'll see what I read/haven't read of yours too. Thanks.

As I go:

Page 1 -- So does his POV last down the hallway until he sees himself in bed?  Cool!

Page 3 -- "You're a police officer, Steve."  I like the rest of the exposition but this particular line comes off a bit clunky.

Page 4 -- I don't mind a little camera direction now and then but "Close-up on Steve" could easily go and it would still read as a CU.

Thoughts:

I think the story is good.  Other posters have talked a lot about the execution of stylistic moments, and I think they're on about some of it working and some not; "the mind of Cole" threw me off even though I knew what you meant.

I think what bothered me here was a lack of insight into the relationship between the two brothers outside the plot.  I understand who they were and what they were doing, but why were they so at odds?  I think the scene(s) where they have dialogue together in the house could stand to be expanded a bit to give us a bit more of a sense of their relationship.  Betraying family is a pretty massive conflict and it's important for it to feel justified.  There's a lot of exposition in the story and I know a lot of it is necessary, but I'd love to know more about Cole's relationship to Steve, and Kate and Barbara's relationship to each of them.

I guess I should check out the feature.

Thanks for the enjoyable read!  

Hi Khamanna.

Just read this. Like most of the others I think the story is basically strong and I'm glad you've developed it into a feature. That's definitely where it was heading. Congratulations!

Must admit, I had to read certain parts twice to fully understand, but as you implied earlier, you like that style and it sure makes you think about what's on the page.

I'll take a look at the feature and let you know.

Best

Martin.

Hi Heretic,

THanks for the read and helpful comments. I'll try to make amends, to feature actually - as I haven't cut much from the short, I managed just to expand on it:)

The feature is mostly about the brothers. It's them only, them and the wife. The whole moral dilemma there is about Cole trying to stand up for his brother only to find out that Steve's worse than everybody though he was.

About the mind of cole - someone suggested The Brain of Cole - don't know what to do about it - I did mean the forehead dissolving into the red substance. --maybe that's what I have to write, everybody's complaining about that bit. I'd appreciate any suggestions though.

@chelsea
Thanks. I'll see what I read and what not of yours. The insight is helpful - both the short and the feature needs clarity. Unfortunately no matter how much I try it's still not very clear:)
If you had trouble understanding the short though - the feature is even more complicated. And as much as I would want you to read it - I just know you'll be lost. As soon as I get more time and a little more strength (mental:)) I'll rewrite and maybe then it's clear.

THanks again